House

Taub: Not if something else changed. House: Like? Taub: His heart. He could have recently gotten a intermittent arrhythmia House: I know "heart" and "head" start with the same three letters, but you gotta read all the way to the end.

Lucas: Hey, I like the shoes, by the way. Dr. Cuddy: Thank… you. House: You don't like her shoes. You like her legs. Lucas: It sound less creepy if you say shoes. House: Less creepy, more gay. Lucas: That's my firm's motto.

Thirteen: Did you run a credit check on me? House: That would be illegal. Interestingly enough, paying somebody to run it for me, though…

Taub: You've discovered that one of us has been hiding the ability to stretch or shrink themselves? House: No. I would never out someone's superpowers.

Kutner: Wait, your wife's doing the doorman in your bed, and they're sweating all over the sheets that you paid for, and you... Taub: My wife's not doing the doorman. Kutner: How do you know? Taub: We don't have a doorman.

Thirteen: Drugs? How many trials are you on? Brandon: Three. House: Admirable. Not many idiots have that much ambition.

Brandon: You going to tell Heather? House: Couldn't, even if I cared enough to want to.

House: You want my advice? Taub: Of course not. House: Good, 'cause I have no idea what you should do.

Lucas: I like her, I don't wanna do her. House: Then what's the point of liking her?

House: (to Taub) Your marriage is like a broken toaster. Bread keeps popping up, you keep calling it toast. Which is weird, because you put your bread in a lot of toasters, and apparently you don't see any difference. It's kind of fascinating.