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House: Test him for Erdheim-Chester's disease.
Dr. Foreman: Erdheim-Chester, that's not even on the list!
Dr. Chase: Because we already did it. He tested negative.
Dr. Cameron: So did Esther.
House: The disease lied.
Dr. Cameron: Yeah, the tumor's got it in for you.
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Dr. Cameron: I'll page Cuddy.
House: No you won't.
Dr. Cameron: She thinks the kid has a stomach ache!
House: She'll come right up here and do one of two things. If she agrees with me I don't need her; if she disagrees with me I don't want her.
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House: The parents are mad because their kid is dying, it's understandable, but if he doesn't die they won't be mad anymore.
Dr. Cuddy: But if he's brain damaged they might still be a little ticked.
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House: Can anyone think of a reason why Kawasaki's can't affect the elderly, other than it doesn't?
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Dr. Chase: Meds seem to be working, liver's holding it's own.
House: Good.
Dr. Chase: But the platelets are dropping.
House: Even better.
Dr. Chase: Why? It means he's getting sicker.
House: New is good... because the old ended in death.
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Dr. Wilson: Obsession is dangerous.
House: Only if you're on a wooden ship and your obsession is a whale. I think I'm in the clear.
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Dr Wilson: You can't use another patient's lab to diagnose Kawasaki disease!
House: Is that like a dare or something?
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Dr. Chase: I'm going to do a biopsy.
House: Forget it! That battle is over. His raising creatine is his kidneys' way of saying "go on without me."
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Dr. Chase: What are you doing?
House: What we came here to do.
Dr. Chase: But he almost died.
House: I know, I was here.
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Dr. Chase: I vote for neurofibromitosis.
House: Why?
Dr. Chase: Because the other choices suck worse.
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Dr. Cuddy: Call.
House: You'll call anything.
Dr. Cuddy: My stack's bigger than your stack. You in or out?
House: Relative to their size, gorillas have smaller testicles than humans.
Dr. Cuddy: Well, then you'd probably have an edge over a gorilla. But not over me.
House: Reason is, primate testes size inversely corresponds to the fidelity of our females
Dr. Wilson: You think there might be a better time to annoy me about my wife?
House: I'm talking about poker.
Dr. Wilson: Right.
Dr. Cuddy: Women are evil, you're right to drive them away. Call, fold, or raise!
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(getting Chase away from a girl)
House: Hey, how's that anal fissure? Did it heal yet, or is it still draining? Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize he came back for seconds. I figured that after that girl in the stairwell you'd be done for the night.
Dr. Chase: He's joking.
House: No Adam's apple, small hands. No surprises this time.
Michelle: I'll...see you later. (leaves)
House: I've got a case.
Dr. Chase: Well, you could have just said that. You didn't need to screw with me.
House: Yeah, if I didn't screw with you , you'd spend the whole night thinking you might get laid, which means you'd be useless. Better to extinguish all hope.
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Dr. Wilson: If you're going to mess with me, wouldn't it be more fun to do it in person?
House: (on the cellphone) Yes, it would.
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House: (on the cellphone) Keep your answers short and discreet. Is Cuddy still playing?
Dr. Wilson: The chicken is still in Picadilly Square.
House: Brilliant. She'll never suspect that Normandy is her target.
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House: When you were wearing your "Frankie says relax" t-shirts, I was treating a 73 year old woman who went through this progression of symptoms. The last of which was... (writes down "Death"). And in case any of you missed that class in med school, that one's untreatable.
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Ian: I have a question, and I need to go to the bathroom.
Teacher: What would you like to do first.
Ian: Question.
Teacher: Okay.
Ian: Where's the bathroom?
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Dr. Wilson: Are you going to call?
House: You know, relative to its size, the barnacle has the largest penis of any animal.
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House: These procedures would be so much easier if you could do them on healthy people.
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Dr. Wilson: Have you read Moby Dick?
House: It's a book?
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House: (to Wilson) Jacks or higher, your voice sounds like Debbie from Accounting is sitting in your lap.
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(playing cards)
Dr. Cuddy:(puts down a 3 and a 5) Stone cold bluff. You might want to spend a little more time paying attention to your cards, and a little less time staring at my breasts. House: They don't match either. I'm going to take some air.
(Cuddy checks)
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House: I raise.
Dr. Wilson: So are you going to tell me an annoying story every time I raise?
House: God, that would be annoying.