House Season 4 Episode 1

House: Give it back.
Dr. Wilson: What happened? Did someone... kidnap your guitar? Your twelve-thousand-dollar 1967 Flying V? Or something?
House: Where'd you hide it?
Dr. Wilson: I'm flattered you would consider me this bold and brilliant.
House: Yeah, it takes a cri... (stops, seeing pieces missing from Dr. Wilson's newspaper) It takes a criminal mastermind to pull off a heist from an unlocked, unguarded room down the hall. What do you want?
Dr. Wilson: Me? Nothing. But I'm sure the kidnapper wants what every kidnapper wants. To see you interview five to seven well-qualified fellowship candidates.
House: I don't need a team.
Dr. Wilson: You were bouncing ideas off a janitor.
House: And solved the case!

Dr. Wilson: So all you have to do is convince this kid that his girlfriend had a secret doctor, and a secret stash, and a secret life. It's been a while since a patient took a swing at you. Can I watch?
House: I only have to convince the mother. (thinks for a moment) Actually... I don't have to convince anyone.

Dr. Wilson: Where's the restaurant?
House: What restaurant?
Dr. Wilson: The one you said you're taking me to for lunch.
House: Oh... ahh... (points on a house) this one's homier... dibs on a cold pizza?

Dr. Cuddy: You've spent the last two weeks doing absolutely nothing. Concert is over.
House: In what twisted universe does mastering Eddie Van Halen's two-handed arpeggio technique count as absolutely nothing?
Dr. Cuddy: Take the case or you will spend the next month helping the collapse team change bandages.

Dr. Cuddy: Cameron would never have accepted that this guy knew nothing about the love of his life. And as soon you claimed it was multiple conditions, Foreman would have done anything to prove you wrong. And then, Chase would have done anything to prove you right.

Dr. Wilson: You stole my patient.
House: You kidnapped my guitar.
Dr. Wilson: Give him back.
House: Only when you give her back.
Dr. Wilson: It's a she ?
House: Well, it's certainly not a dude.
Dr. Wilson: It's a guitar! You took a human being!
House: Now who doesn't have a sense of humor?

Dr. Wilson: Do you know what terrorists do when you don't negotiate? They terrorize.
House: Bring it on!

House: "I'm miserable around Ben." (everyone turns to face House) Not me, I like Ben. February 12th. (throws Ben Ms. Bradberry's diary) Either she's depressed or she just thinks you're a jerk. Neither suggest that you should be the one directing her medical treatment.

Dr. Cuddy: Twenty-six-year-old female, she was pulled out of the rubble after six hours. Two surgeries for multiple fractures and burns.
House: I'm thinking the broken bones are a response to the building falling on her head.

House: Can't take the case. I don't have a team...
Dr. Cuddy: So hire a team!
House: What for? I don't have a case!

Dr. Cuddy: Have you even interviewed anybody?
House: You test-drive a car before you buy it, you have sex before you get married... I can't hire a team based on a 10-minute interview... What if I don't like having sex with them?

Dr. Cuddy: Well, let's just say...your antidepressant theory does explain the fever. What about the heart? And don't say a building fell on her.
House: Okay. (clears throat) A structure collapsed.
Dr. Cuddy: Shut up!
House: Come on, it fits.

Janitor: I should ask them for keys.
House: No need. I'm sure we can find a large rock somewhere.
Janitor: I'm not breaking into somebody's house. I got principles.
House: I've got some loose change here that says you don't.
Janitor: I'm not doing this (pause) For less than a 50.

Dr. Hourani: You want to look at vaginas, there are web sites for that.
House: Do I look made of money?

Dr. Wilson: (over a piece of House's "kidnapped" guitar) Oh my god. This guy means business. Or guys, it could be multiple, multiple guys. Or a gal. Who knows. All I can say is, this reeks of boldness.
House: I am not hiring a team.
Dr. Wilson: You ever tighten a guitar string really, really slowly? Past the point it can handle the strain? It makes this weird sound. Almost like a scream. (squeaking)

Dr. Cuddy: You're wrong.
House: Who are you going to believe, a classic toy, or a woman who if she had any confidence in her ideas wouldn't feel the need to distract you with a water bra?

Ben: You don't know?
House: I know, just can't say. Because you'll hit me. Let's discuss this in front of witnesses.

Dr. Cuddy: Where did you come from?
House: Apes, if you believe the Democrats.

House: Did you ever see Raid on Entebbe?
Dr. Wilson: Yeah, in the end they released the hostages. How's that working for you?
House: The Ugandans played fair. They didn't move the hostages on the Israelis.
Dr. Wilson: Once again, I am in awe of the kidnapper's tactical brilliance.
House: (switches on Dr. Wilson's TiVo) What is "El Fuego Del Amor" and why do you need ten of them?
Dr. Wilson: It's a... it's a Telenovela. I'm learning Spanish.
House: Well, say adios.
Dr. Wilson: Are you erasing my Tivo? House! Not the season finale!
House: I don't negotiate with terrorists. I smoke them out of their hidey-holes.

House: Sometimes I am wrong. I have a gift for observation, for reading people and situations. But sometimes I am wrong. This will be the longest job interview of your life. I will test you in ways that you will often consider unfair, demeaning, and illegal. And you will often be right. Look to your left. Now look to your right. By the end of six weeks, one of you will be gone. As will 28 more of you. Wear a cup.

Dr. Cuddy: How'd you know it was me?
House: There's a scent given off by wounded, feral cats.

House: Your eyes are lopsided. And by eyes I mean breasts.