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(walks into House's office)
Dr. Wilson: You're treating your stuffy nose with cocaine.
House: Diphenhydramine. Antihistamine. New delivery system. It's a blood-brain barrier thing.
Dr. Wilson: It's all about speed, isn't it? One thing to another, never standing still. You're pretty good at that.
House: I know my way around a razor blade.
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House: Bagels. (drops a bag of bagels on the table)
Dr. Foreman: You didn't sleep in.
House: Didn't sleep, didn't breathe. I'm dying.
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House: Oxygen saturation is 94%. Check her heart.
Dr. Foreman: Her oxygen saturation is normal.
House: It's off by one percentage point.
Dr. Foreman: It's within range, it's normal.
House: If her DNA was off by one percentage point, she'd be a dolphin.
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House: Union rules. I can't check out this guy's seeping gonorrhea this close to lunch.
Dr. Cuddy: Exam Room One.
House: Well, it's sexist, and a very dangerous precedent. If people could choose the sex of their doctors, you gals would be out of business.
Dr. Cuddy: Exam Room One!
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House: I'm taking a sick day.
Dr. Cuddy: Take some Claritin.
House: Everyone's a doctor suddenly.
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Dr. Cuddy: You're actually talking about killing her.
House: Just for a little while, I'll bring her right back.
Dr. Cuddy: Oh, well, in that case go ahead. Why are we even talking?
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House: Idolizing is pathological with you people. You see things to admire where there's nothing.
Dr. Wilson: Yeah, well, we're evil.
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House: Can I come with?
Dr. Wilson:To tell Andie she's going to die? That's very un-you.
House: Well, she's such a brave girl. I want to see how brave she is when you tell her she's going to die.
Dr. Wilson: Go to hell.
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House: True. Cardiac tumor was benign.
Dr. Wilson: That's impossible.
House: Statistically.
Dr. Wilson: Oh shut up. If the tumor's benign that means it did not cause her hallucinations.
House: That's why I'm mentioning it.
Dr. Wilson: So the tumor is a coincidence.
House: This is bad--you're starting to state the obvious.
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Dr. Foreman: That CT shows no meningial involvement.
House: True. Get a tox screen and MRI.
Dr. Foreman: We can do that if you want to ignore what we just discussed.
House: Sounds good.
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Dr. Chase: If she's never kissed a boy, it's a fair bet she's never had sex.
House: Tell that to all the hookers who won't kiss me on the mouth.
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Dr. Wilson: What's your problem?
House: These cancer kids. Can't put them all on a pedestal. It's basic statistics. Some of them have got to be whiney little fraidy cats.
Dr. Wilson: You're unbelievable!
House: If there's not one yellow-belly in the whole group then being brave doesn't have any meaning.
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House: (discussing Andie's heart surgery) Chase, I want you there. I don't like reading surgeon's reports. They're boring.
Dr. Chase: I'm not really sure I should be spending more time with her.
House: She'll be unconscious. You'll be safe.
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Dr. Chase: She's had one hallucination. Why are we operating on her? Why are we risking her life?
House: Because Wilson thinks it would be nice to give the girl a year to say goodbye to her mommy. I guess maybe she stutters or something.
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Dr. Foreman: (listening to Andie's echo-cardiogram) What are we trying to hear?
House: A tumor.
Dr. Chase: They tend to keep quiet on account of them not having any mouths.
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Dr. Chase: (listening to Andie's list of treatments) If it were me, I'd just stay home and watch TV or something and not lie here under a microscope.
House: Don't worry. If anything happens to you, nobody's gonna lift a finger.
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Dr. Wilson: And not that it matters, but if you fix whatever's going on in her head, you give her maybe another year. Long time for a nine-year-old.
House: No. It'll just fly by.
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House: You did it, didn't you? You kissed her.
Dr. Chase: It...it wasn't sick. It was one kiss for a dying girl! One small...one small kiss before she dies. (Foreman and Cameron turn away shocked) Thank you.
House: That's exactly why you can't touch my markers!
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House: I'm not going to kiss you, no matter what you say.
Andie: It's sunny outside. You should go for a walk.
House: Not much for the long walks in the park. Git.
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Dr. Wilson: She enjoys life more than you do.
House: Right.
Dr. Wilson: She stole that kiss from Chase. What have you done lately?
House: I'm pacing myself. Unlike her, I have the luxury of time.
Dr. Wilson: She could outlive you.
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House: (Andie) genuinely is a self-sacrificing saint, whose life will bring her nothing but pain, which she will stoically withstand, just so that her mom doesn't have to cry quite so soon. I am beside myself with joy.
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Andie: Lot of people.
House: Big musical number, kiddo. Lot of people here to make you look good.
Andie: You're kinda freaking me out.
Dr. Chase: He gets that sometimes.
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Dr. Cameron: Whoa, you're letting me touch the markers?
House: It's written down in my advanced health care directive. Should I be incapacitated in any way you run the board, then Foreman. Chase, you're just not ready yet.
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Dr. Wilson Hayfever?
House: You must be a doctor at everything.
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House: Differential diagnosis. On your marks, get set…
Dr. Foreman: Hallucinations could be caused by…
House: Whoa! Wait for it. And…go.
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House: And you stay away from the patient.
Dr. Cameron: What did I do?
House: You'll just get all warm and cuddly around the dying girl, and insinuate yourself, and end up in a custody battle.
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House: What the hell is this?!?
Dr. Cameron: Black walnut and ginger.
House: It's nice.
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House: I should have been out of here 20 minutes ago.
Nurse Brenda: You got here 20 minutes ago.
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House: (to a botched circumcision patient) I'm going to get a plastic surgeon, and put the Twinkie back in the wrapper.
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Brad: (talking about circumcision) I got a pair of box cutters.
House: Just like Abraham.
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House: Cancer doesn't make you special. Molestation, on the other hand…
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Dr. Wilson: (I'm) with a patient…
House: Is she dying?
Dr. Wilson: No.
House: Then she can wait.
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House: The tumor is Afghanistan, the clot is Buffalo. (everyone stares) Does that need more explanation?
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Dr. Wilson: We can't do exploratory surgery on her brain!
House: Are you sure you're not a neurologist?
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Dr. Foreman: We could bolt her to the table.
House: Gruesome and low-tech – kiss me, I love it.
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Clinic Nurse: The patient in exam room 1 asked for a male doctor.
Dr. Cuddy: (to House) The balls are in your court.
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House: Is it still illegal to perform an autopsy on a living person?
Dr. Cuddy: Are you high?
House: If it's Tuesday, I'm wasted.
Dr. Cuddy: It's Wednesday.
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House: You're dying, and suddenly everybody loves you.
Dr. Wilson: You have a cane - nobody even likes you.
House: I'm not terminal - merely pathetic. You wouldn't believe the crap people let me get away with.