House Season 1 Episode 18

Dr. Cuddy: It's not cancer.
Patient: It's not gonna kill me?
Dr. Cuddy: It's hemorrhoids.

Vogler: He is a drug addict who flaunts his addiction and refuses to get treatment. He is a disgrace and an embarrassment to this hospital. I'd go on, but it gets kinda mean, so I'm gonna keep this simple. House goes, or I go.
Dr. Cuddy: You shouldn't personalize this.
Vogler: And by I, I mean my $100 million. How's that for personalizing?

House: She's doing better.
Rachel: Oh, thank God.
House: Technically, Alexander Fleming. He developed antibiotics. Pneumonia's under control, and from now on, what say you stick with human food.

Vogler: In the morning, I expect you in my office with your letter of resignation and plans for a public apology, otherwise I'll destroy you.
House: So that's a 'no' on us being squared away.

Dr. Chase: Don't see any signs of vasculitis. Odd...since you're always right about everything.
Dr. Foreman: It could be a different autoimmunity. Or you could bite me.

Dr. Wilson: Vogler's got a plan to get you.
House: Does it involve candy? Cuz' I'm a sucker for chocolates.

Vogler: (to House) The board's meeting again this evening. Why don't you settle down, play some Game Boy? Why don't you watch your soap? I hear they're firing the handsome doctor today – that should be a good one.

Dr. Cuddy: You are a great doctor, House . . . but you are not worth $100 million.

Dr. Wilson: (to House) I only have two things that work for me – this job and this stupid screwed-up friendship.

House: Did you make a pass at Cuddy? I told you – she only has thighs for me.

House: You know, there's a new biography of 'Quisling' you might find interesting.
Dr. Cuddy: Sure - no idea who that is.
House: Norwegian guy. World War II. Traitor. The fact I have to explain takes the edge off my flow.

House: This is how Vogler is going to destroy me?
Dr. Cuddy: What did he do - grease your cane?

House: (Naomi) choked on soft wet pear – did she forget to take the bones out?

House: Starving babies is bad. And illegal in many cultures.

House: I'm not a baby expert, but I'm pretty sure they're not supposed to shrink.

Dr. Chase: Dogs can learn things. House can't.
Dr. Foreman: Coward.
Dr. Chase: Child.
Dr. Foreman: (greeting patient) Hey there!

Dr. Foreman: (to Chase) Here, pussy, pussy, pussy . . .

House: Sorry - up late. Internet porn.
Dr. Chase: How come you're not in your office?
House: Because there is a computer in my office. If I log on, romance will ensue. My wrist might fall off.