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House: Unfortunately, his brother is... like a bad doubles partner. Guy just takes up space, gets in the way. Clancy's body thinks he's gonna put away the easy winners; his brother just keeps swinging balls into the net. We have to get him off the court.
Stephanie: So does that mean you can find the bad cells in his brain or not?
House: Sure, abandon the metaphor, fine.
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House: Either you screwed up the test, or I screwed up my analysis of this case. If you screwed up I don't have to cry myself to sleep.
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Dr. Cameron: Maybe he cheated.
Dr. Chase: Right. Kids always cheat on their bleeding time tests.
House: She was being metaphorical. Trying to sound like me. I have no idea what you meant, but I could smell what the Rock was cooking.
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House: Anybody watch any X-Files that inspired an explanation?
Dr. Foreman: There are ways DNA could become mutated. Extreme UV radiation.
House: That much sun, he'd be dying with a healthy bronze glow.
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Clancy: So I am kind of weird?
Dr. Chase: We're all kind of weird.
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Dr. Cameron: Is your leg hurting?
House: Is that question helping?
Dr. Cameron: You're leaning.
House: You're sitting.
Dr. Cameron: You're evading.
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Dr. Cuddy: We need another plan.
Dr. Wilson: Don't talk about it that way.
Dr. Cuddy: What way?
Dr. Wilson: Plan. Sounds like we're conspiring against him.
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House: So... you're saying Chase did screw up.
Dr. Chase: Or Foreman screwed up.
Dr. Foreman: Big hand points the minutes. Maybe you got them mixed up.
House: Oh... snap!
-
(after Dr. Cameron suggests that the boy has been sexually abused and Dr. Foreman says there is no evidence of that)
Dr. Chase: I think we should talk to the kid.
House: Why? In case he's telling the truth? You're a believer, aren't you?
Dr. Chase: I'm just not arrogant enough to think that of the 50 billion galaxies, hundred billion stars per galaxy and ten million, billion planets in the universe, that we're the only ones with life.
House: No, but I'm guessing we're the only ones who like shoving things through our backdoors.
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Dr. Cuddy: If you did your morning run and showered at home, you'd be later than usual.
House: Thought of you in the shower!
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House: Is this an intervention? It's a little late since I'm not using drugs anymore. I am however, still hooked on phonics.
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Dr. Chase: How could I screw up a simple bleeding time test?
Dr. Foreman: Maybe you were abducted and lost time?
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House: Why don't I have high-def in my office? I'm the department head!
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House: So what was the plan? I'd feel so humbled by missing a case, that I'd re-evaluate my entire life, question the nature of truth and goodness, and become Cameron?
Dr. Wilson: Something like that. More that if we told you the truth, that you'd solved a case based on absolutely no medical proof, you'd think you were God. And...I was worried your wings would melt.
House: God doesn't limp.
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Dr. Chase: Hey, Foreman! Your mama's so fat, when her beeper goes off, people thinks she's backing up!
(awkward silence as everyone stares at Chase)
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House: The results came back. The lab cannot identify the metal. Said it might not even be terrestrial.
Dr. Chase: Really?
House: No, you idiot. It's titanium.
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House: I know I get worked up when I cut microchip tracking implants out of my neck.
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House: I need the laser pointer.
Dr. Cameron: We don't have a laser pointer.
House: Well why not? Who's going to take us seriously if I don't have a laser pointer?
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Dr. Cuddy: What's going on with the leg?
House: First tell me what's going on with the boobs.
Dr. Cuddy: If you're feeling pain…
House: They're firmer.
Dr. Cuddy: It's called an underwire. I want to get a PET scan of your brain.
House: I think it's hormones.
Dr. Cuddy: As long as there's no increased activity in the thalamus…
House: Looks to me like those puppies are going into the dairy business.
Dr. Cuddy: …then the pain could be good.
-
Dr. Cuddy: You're in denial.
House: No I'm not! (pause) Oh, you got me.
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Dr. Cuddy: (about Cameron) She's not nearly as delightful as she thinks she is.
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Todd: I thought you got it all!
Dr. Chase: Yeah, yell at me--that'll fix the kid.
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House: Riding the short bus is better than not breathing.
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House: (crossing his fingers) Tell me he's a mutant/human hybrid!
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House: Foreman, you gotta steal this thing for me!
Foreman: Let me ring up one of the homies.
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Dr. Chase: House! Clancy has gone missing!
House: Oh no! You take the Alpha Centauri, Foreman can look on Tattooine, and Cameron can set up an intergalactic checkpoint. Let's pray he hasn't gone into hyperdrive - we'll never catch him.
-
House: So it's a UFO. Unidentified Flowing Orifice.