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Dr. Wilson: My wife fired the maid. Apparently she's getting rid of everything that reminds her of me.
House: You did your maid?
Dr. Wilson: I was nice to our maid. Which annoyed her...god knows why.
House: Maybe she was doing her.
Dr. Wilson: No one was doing her! All right?
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Dr. Foreman: I thought you didn't believe that was anything wrong with his throat.
House: Never said I didn't believe it. I just said I had a good reason to doubt it.
Dr. Foreman: And now?
House: Now I have a good reason to doubt those doubts.
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Dr. Cameron: He's gonna need a lung transplant.
House: He's becoming more attractive by the minute, isn't he?
Dr. Cameron: You're pleased. You think you've proved every marriage is a mistake.
House: Do I look pleased?
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House: He's choking on his tongue, not his feet.
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Dr. Chase: (about the couple's threesome) Another guy, or girl?
Dr. Cameron: Girl. His wife's college roommate.
Dr. Chase: If he's not happily married, I don't know who could be.
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Dr. Chase: (about House) He didn't get his beauty sleep. Wilson's moved in and apparently has unusually loud toenails.
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Dr. Wilson: You're kicking me out? After one night?
House: Why, you think we should try counseling first?
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House: Is the ant big and red or small and black?
Dr. Foreman: Medium and brown
House: Halle Berry brown or Beyonce brown?
Dr. Cameron: Is there a difference?
House: (sarcastically) Is there a difference?
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Dr. Wilson: I was watching something.
House: No, you were about to watch something. I'm watching something. See the difference?
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Dr. Wilson: Now why do you have a season pass to the New Yankee Workshop?
House: It's a complete moron working with power tools. How much more suspenseful can you get?
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House: Chase, find out what the resort cooks with, if they repainted recently, or did any plumbing repairs.
Dr. Chase: I don't speak Spanish.
House: Then it'll be challenging.
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Dr. Cameron: If you ask me, if two people really trust each other, a threesome once every seven years might actually help a marriage.
(everyone stares)
House: Okay, I say we stop the DDX and discuss that comment.
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Dr. Cameron: What was I supposed to do, tie her up?
House: Why not – she likes that.
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Charlotte: I am not having an affair with my daughter's karate instructor, and I did not give my husband herpes.
Dr. Cuddy: Find out where House is…
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House: A sex fiend with a swollen tongue. Just think of all the places I can make Foreman search.
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House: Good Lord, what is that smell?
Dr. Wilson: Stuffed pepper.
House: Stuffed with what? Vomit?
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Dr. Wilson: (to House) I'll be out of your hair tomorrow…what's left of it.
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Vincent: The only person I've had sex with is my wife.
House: Bummer.
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Dr. Cuddy: (about House) He'd give his own mother herpes if it got him out of clinic duty.
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Dr. Wilson: Don't you ever eat anything besides canned soup and peanut butter?
House: Don't you ever eat anything that doesn't look like it's been rolled onto your plate by a dung beetle?
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House: You blow dry your hair?
Dr. Wilson: Oh, sorry, did I wake you up?
House: (louder) You blow dry your hair?!?
Wilson: Oh, sorry for caring how I look like.
House: I think the word you're looking for is "obsessing."