Season 1 Episode 5

Damned If You Do

Aired Monday 9:00 PM Dec 14, 2004 on FOX



  • Trivia

    • Trivia: Dr. Chase's mother has been dead for ten years.

    • Dr. House is listening to a patient's heart with a stethoscope. However as the shot cuts to his face you can see the stethoscope is not in his ears.

    • Dr. Foreman refers to a patient's "eophinosil" count. The word he's after is "eosinophil" (a type of white blood cell).

  • Quotes

    • House: We are condemned to useless labor...
      Dr. Wilson: Fourth circle of Hell. Charting goes a lot faster when you eliminate all classic poetry.
      House: Writing down what we already know to be read by nobody. Pretty sure Dante would agree that qualifies as useless.
      Dr. Wilson: You're over two weeks behind in your charting.
      (Dr. Cuddy approaches them, and House throws a piece of paper towards her)
      House: Oops... I missed.

    • (House pages Dr. Chase with "call mom")
      Dr. Chase: My mother's been dead for 10 years.
      House: But she's always with you in spirit.

    • Dr. Cuddy: You have a patient in exam one!
      House: Yeah, but see... (looks towards the watch) I'm... I'm off at twelve and it's already five off...
      Dr. Cuddy: She's been waiting for you since eleven!
      House: (to Dr. Wilson) Melancholy without hope. Which circle is that?

    • House: She has God inside her. It would be easier to deal with a tumor.
      Dr. Wilson: Maybe she's allergic to God.

    • House: (to Sister Augustine) You must be all the talk around the holy water cooler.

    • House: You hate nuns. You can't hate someone if you don't know them.
      Dr. Chase: Know any Nazis? Maybe I hate them on principle.

    • Sister Eucharist: (The hypochondriac nun) tends to believe in things that aren't real.
      House: I thought that was a job description for you people.

    • Dr. Wilson: You want to come over for Christmas dinner?
      House: You're Jewish.
      Dr. Wilson: Yeah, Hanukkah dinner. What do you care -- it's food, it's people.

    • Dr. Wilson: Sixth circle of Hell?
      House: Confined in a sweat box with a bloody nose and all the tissues are soggy.
      Dr. Wilson: I think that's the Seventh?
      House: Nope. The Seventh . . .
      Dr. Wilson: God, you must be fun at parties.
      House: I think we both know the flaw in that theory.

    • House: You know how it is with nuns - take out their IUDs, they bounce right back.

    • (House tosses her a tea bag)
      Dr. Cuddy: What is this? Hemlock?

    • House: I had to open her blouse to do CPR, I learned two things. Nuns can have nice breasts, and she has a tattoo on her shoulder. Of a skunk. Now, maybe it's the sacred skunk of Joseph . . .

    • House: I've found that when you want to know the truth about someone, that someone is probably the last person you should ask.
      Mother Superior: Ah. And have you been speaking to Sister Eucharist?
      House: She ratted out her fellow sister pretty quickly. If I were you, I'd have her repeat a year of nun school.

    • House: And the old nun thinks the sick nun is a big fat nun liar.

    • House: What do you know about the nun?
      Dr. Chase: Which one?
      House: The cute one. I think she likes me. The sick one, obviously.

    • House: I am both amused and annoyed that you think I should be less stubborn then you are.

    • House: ("admitting" to giving the nun the wrong dosage of epinephrine) So there I was, in the clinic, drunk, I opened the drawer, closed my eyes, grabbed the first syringe I could find...

    • House: I also recognize that I am human and capable of error.
      Dr. Wilson: So you might have screwed this up?
      House: No.
      Dr. Wilson: So it's merely a theoretical capacity for error?
      House: Good point. Maybe there isn't one. Maybe that's my error.

    • Dr. Chase: I hate nuns.
      House: Who doesn't?

    • Dr. Foreman: Everyone screws up. Your rule. I think you fit within the subset of 'everyone'.
      House: I didn't screw up.

    • House: What the hell are those?
      Dr. Cameron: Candy canes.
      House: Candy canes? Are you mocking me.
      Dr. Cameron: No. It's, it's Christmas, and I thought...
      House: Relax – it's a joke.

    • Sister Eucharist: The sisters tend to interpret their illnesses as divine intervention.
      House: And you don't? Then you're wearing an awfully funny hat.

    • Sister Eucharist: Thank you for your patience.
      Dr. Wilson: Is she talking to you?
      House: I don't know. She's certainly looking at me...

    • House: I've been a doctor for years – why do I have to keep assuring people that I know what I'm doing?

    • Dr. Cuddy: What are you, eight?
      House: Could an eight year old do this? (makes a face)
      Dr. Cuddy: Better stop it or it'll stick that way.

  • Notes

  • Allusions

    • House: Writing down what we already know to be read by nobody. Pretty sure Dante would agree that qualifies as useless.
      Wilson and House are alluding to Dante Alighieri's poem The Divine Comedy, in which the main character travels through nine circles of hell.

    • House recommending cigarettes
      The clinic patient, Marvin, dressed as Santa Claus, who is prescribed cigarettes by House for his inflammatory bowel. The whole thing is very reminiscent of an old Fry & Laurie first series sketch called "Doctor Tobacco." Laurie goes to see the "doctor" (Stephen Fry) for an examination. He complains of having trouble breathing at night and tightness in his chest. Fry tells him to smoke a cigarette twenty times a day, "ideally moving on to thirty or forty." Laurie complains that they cause lung cancer and emphysema. Fry dismisses the idea. They argue back and forth until Laurie insists that he'd like a second opinion. Fry offers that they're also cheap, nutritious and stylish. And if he's interested in a third opinion, they're also soothing, harmless and sexy. Turns out, Fry wasn't a doctor after all but a tobacconist.

    • Title
      Alluding to the quote made by Eleanor Roosevelt, The full quotation is, "Do what you feel in your heart to be right—for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't."

    • House: How do you solve a problem like dermatitis?
      House plays off of the main chorus of "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?" from The Sound of Music.