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Dr. Cuddy: (walking into House's office) Hey! Did you drop acid?
House: Why would I do that?
Dr. Cuddy: To annoy me. Or maybe because you're miserable, or because you want to self-destruct. Pick one.
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House: Why is it so dark in here? It's a beautiful day outside. Open the shades, let the sun shine in.
Dr. Cameron: It's nighttime.
House: It's still Tuesday, right?
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House: (to the parents) He has a cigarette burn on his wrist. Also a fading nicotine stain between two fingers. Bad news, your son has a filthy, unhealthy habit. Good news, he's trying to quit. Bad news, quitting is killing him. Good news, I can cure him. Bad news... no, that's the end of it.
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House: I didn't know people actually read emails--the delete button is so conveniently located.
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Dr. Wilson: (talking to House) Foolproof plan, by the way. Either his meds would work and you'd be in psychic pain because von Evil is going to be rich; or they wouldn't, and you got to be in agony all day. Perfect lose-lose situation. Very you.
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Dr. Foreman: Hey, if you feel chest pain, you need to let me know. Verapamil can cause congestive heart failure.
House: Nothing can hurt my heart.
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Dr. Foreman: Why didn't you take the patient to radiology, get an MRA?
House: Obviously I was doing something illegal. Using nuclear imaging would have raised questions.
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House: (to anesthesiologist) God you're good! You're putting me to sleep!
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Dr. Cuddy: You induced a migraine headache in a coma patient?
House: Gave him a little headache, similar to the one you're giving me now.
Cuddy: Have you even read an ethical guideline?
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Dr. Wilson: This guy's name is Weber, not von Lieberman.
House: I call Weber "von Lieberman." Way eviler.
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Weber: You cannot test this on an abnormal brain.
House: That's so close-minded, He's not "abnormal", he's special.
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Dr. Cuddy: Cameron is worried about you. I told her that LSD lasts up to twelve hours. If you were functional, she must be wrong.
Dr. House Either that or I also took a whole bunch of anti-depressants, which short-circuited the LSD... (innocently) I'm just saying that would also explain it.
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Dr. Wilson: (to a disgruntled House) Doctor Jekyll I presume? They found a half-eaten sheep in the zoo, and the police want to ask you a few questions.
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Dr. Cameron: (Adam's) brain is like a waiter that's got too many...
House: Hey, hey... I do the metaphors.
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Dr. Foreman: Been looking for you.
House: Been avoiding you.
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Dr. Cuddy: Did you sign this?
House: Uh... yeah. We can talk later about the appropriate discipline.
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Dr. Cameron: What are you looking for?
House: Same as you – love, acceptance, solid return on investment.
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Dr. Wilson: So what's the plan – you're going to wait until he bends over and make a fart sound?
House: I'm not here about the past – he's a bad scientist.
Dr. Wilson: Well, you cheated off him – how bad could he be?
House: He got the answer wrong.
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Dr. Wilson: You have got to find less debilitating outlets than humiliating people. I hear bowling is more fun than stalking.
House: But I'm better at this.
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Weber: (to House) Who are you?
Dr. Wilson: (sotto voce) Just a lunatic who needs a hobby.
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Weber: Do I know you?
House: I know your math skills -- they blow.
Dr. Wilson: Touché.
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Dr. Cameron: Could pain medicine cause an orgasm?
House: I wish.
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Dr. Foreman: House! You can't do this!
House: Oh, if I had a nickel for every time I've heard that.
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House: The universe always settles the score.
Dr. Cuddy: Does it?
House: No, but it should.