House

Dr. Cuddy: If House tries to interfere, let me know and I will take care of it. Dr. Cameron: Yeah. You're a hero. If it wasn't for you, we'd be cutting into a dead guy's head instead of Foreman's.

House: Stop asking me questions based on the premise that I'm wrong!

Dr. Foreman: I can't breathe, I'm dizzy, and I can barely hear anything over the sounds of my lungs cracking. Dr. Cameron: That's the legionella. Dr. Foreman: Wow. Did you figure that out from the symptoms, or from the vial of it tossed into my room?

House: He (Guard from the CDC) hasn't gotten up to pee in hours. He's due. Dr. Wilson: You haven't sprinkled granules on his donut? His bowels would open up like the red sea. House: He wouldn't eat the donut. Wilson: Have you seriously been down here for hours? House: No. I had to pee a couple times. Dr. Wilson: You've gotta stop blaming Cuddy for this. House: Given that it is her fault, it's appropriate. Dr. Wilson: That part is her fault. The part where somebody wasted his time in a basement plotting the overthrow of a government agency, that one's on you.

House: Forget it. You just biopsied a mattress.

Dr. Cuddy: (to House) Go to your office. Play with your ball. Write on your white board. Insult your team. Do whatever it is that you do to figure things out.

Dr. Cuddy: One afternoon, and you're on pace to set the record for most patients seen in a month! House: You're upset that I'm doing clinic hours? Wow, that is so like rain on your wedding day.

Dr. Cameron: I'm trying to be professional, here. There's no need to be nasty. Dr. Foreman: I'm in pain! Dr. Cameron: So is House. Dr. Foreman: And he's a delight!

Dr. Cuddy: I know I've had no choice. Dr. Foreman: Of course you had a choice! Dr. Cuddy: Regulations are clear. Dr. Foreman: And the punishment for violating those regulations? Is it death? Hmm? Because frankly, I'm okay if you get a fine, a suspension. Hell, you can spend a couple of years in jail if it saves my life!

(House comes in with Foreman's father) Cuddy: What is this? House: He's not a what, he's a who. They even have the right to vote now.

Dr. Foreman: I'd rather be disabled than dead. House: Sure, I make it look oh so sexy. It's actually not as glamorous as you might think.

House: First symptom is euphoria. Dr. Wilson: How do you know if a rat's euphoric? House: He doesn't usually climb on his water bottle like that, does he?

House: Cameron, what type of illnesses affect humans but not rats? Dr. Cameron: Why are you asking me that? House: Because I'm sure that you spent the first twelve years of your life dreaming of being a vet.

House: In actuality, all your little girl is doing...is saying "Yoo hoo to the who-who." Claire: She's what? House: "Marching the penguin." (Claire looks blank) "Ya-yaing the Sisterhood." "Finding Nemo." (Grace giggles) Liked that one. Claire: Are you saying that my daughter (covers her daughter's ears) is masturbating? House: I was trying to be discreet--there's a child in the room!

House: As soon as (Steve the Rat) gets sick, I do an autopsy. Dr. Wilson: As soon as he's dead. House: Right after he gets sick, there's a good chance he'll get hit in the head with a...cane-shaped object.

Dr. Cameron: If it was toxic mold, I'd be sick. House: How do we know you're not sick? Dr. Cameron: Do I seem happy to you? House: Never.

Dr. Cuddy: A thin slice of Joe's brain could also cause a public health crisis. House: It's not a good idea to scream "Fire" every time someone lights a match.

Dr. Foreman: I'm okay? House: Your breath stinks and you're peeing into a bag. What are our names? Dr. Foreman: You did the biopsy? Thank you. House: Names. Dr. Foreman: Cameron, my dad, and the manipulative bastard. House: You remembered.

House: I screwed up. Dr. Cameron: How can you not capture a blind bird? House: That's not what I meant. I screwed up the first time through this place.

Dr. Wilson: Why weren't you with Foreman? House: I hang out in the basement, you rag on me. I stay in my office, you rag on me. Honky just can't buy a break.

House: That was great! Dr. Cameron: It was rude and unnecessary. House: Yeah!

House: Pain makes us make bad decisions, fear of pain is almost as big a motivator.

Rodney: My son says you're a manipulative bastard. House: It's a pet name. I call him "Dr. Bling."

Dr. Cameron: Foreman's black. House: What? How long have you been sitting on this information?

House: Philosophical question – how do you want to die? Dr. Foreman: Old age.

Rose: You're a goof. House: Takes one to know one, loser. Wait, that means I'm a loser – scratch that.

Dr. Wilson: You're accessing a webcam? House: Cuddy's shower. Are you a fan of the Brazilian?