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(Chase shines a laser pointer at Foreman)
Dr. Foreman: (shielding his eyes) Get that thing away from me! I don't wanna get burned.
Dr. Chase: Laser pointers don't burn you, genius.
Dr. Foreman: Skin no, retina yes.
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Edie: (sarcastically) You're right. I'm so petty, I hope (Alice) dies so it vindicates my opinion. (Alice stares at Edie) I didn't mean that, sweetie. Mommy was being sarcastic.
Rob: She's a few years away from grasping the sarcasm, don't you think?
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Dr. Chase: I wasn't kissing his ass.
Dr. Foreman: It just looked that way from our angle. You on your knees, House bending over.
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Dr. Foreman: Doing nothing is not a plan, it's specifically a lack of a plan!
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Dr. Wilson: You okay?
Dr. Cuddy: Yeah, sure.
Dr. Wilson: Umm, what I meant by “are you okay?” is “what the hell did House do?”
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House: This is my office, I'm talking, there are people here who work for me, but not listening. Explain this to me.
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House: You know what else shuts down systems? Death!
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Dr. Foreman: (to Tritter) I really hope no one dies while I'm sitting here not talking to you.
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House: If I'm in a buttload of pain, I need a buttload of pills.
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House: (holding up a laser pointer) This baby won me second place in the Clinic's weekly "weirdest thing pulled out of an orifice" contest.
Dr. Cuddy: I am this close to putting a new lab in oncology.
House: You do not want to know what came in first.
Dr. Cuddy: House...
House: Rhymes with "fucchini."
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House: Right, she's six! She can't have flesh-eating bacteria! It's just wrong! Let's cure her with sunshine and puppies!
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Cuddy: You think Dr. Wilson deserved to have his assets seized? His entire practice ruined?
Tritter: No.
Cuddy: So, you just don't care?
Tritter: This is how I get what I want. I put pressure on people. And if it doesn't work on Wilson, it will work on you.
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House: But I hurt in an unreasonable way.
Dr. Cuddy: Then dip into your secret stash
House: Tritter took it.
Dr. Cuddy: Then move on to your secret secret stash.
House: I ran out.
Dr. Cuddy: Then move on to your secret secret secret stash!
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Chase: His theory correctly predicted pancreatitis.
Foreman: You might want to wait until he actually tells us his theory before you start kissing his theory's ass.
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House: I am a complete stranger who apparently cares more about whether your kid dies than you do.
Edie: You're Dr. House.
House: You've seen my stage show.
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House: It's people like this who killed Copernicus.
Judge: Galileo.
House: Either way.
Judge: And they just locked Galileo up.
House: They killed his spirit… and nobody likes a showoff.
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House: Chase, hang the bag! You can grow a backbone tomorrow.
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Judge: You were in here yesterday telling me her father's guardianship was best for her.
House: I honestly thought I'd get a different judge.
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Judge: Dr. Cuddy, what do you think of Dr. House? Is he as big a jerk as I think he is?
Dr. Cuddy: Bigger.
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House: (at Cuddy) It's a good thing you failed at becoming a mom, because you suck at it!
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Edie: You're the doctor, I'm the mother, I outrank you, live with it
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Dr. Foreman: You stash your drugs in a lupus textbook?
House: It's never lupus.