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Dr. Foreman: My exes have usually been black, so what? Its not a racial thing, its cultural. I have more in common with them, like, I assume you only date emotionally-stunted bigots.
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House: No empty coffee cups. Off the caffeine. Good for baby.
Dr. Cuddy: Cups are in the other waste basket, baby is in your mind.
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Tritter: You don't introduce yourself?
House: Sorry, I thought you were waiting two hours... didn't know you wanted to chat. Hi, I'm Greg! How 'bout that local sports team?
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House: Give her the same food she ate at the diner and stick her on the treadmill.
Dr. Foreman: Better yet, put a gun to her head; threaten to rape her.
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House: Who's he talking to?
Dr. Cameron: What?
House: It's got an ass. Technically that makes it a "who."
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House: If he's not hitting that, then why is she here?
Dr. Cameron: Because I'm hitting that, and it's totally hot.
(everyone stares)
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House: How many more failed relationships are we both going to have to deal with before you learn to love yourself? And I mean that in a literal way.
Dr. Wilson: It's amazing how you can not only know it's a relationship, but that it's a bad relationship, based on nothing but… nothing.
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House: You're lying to me. That's interesting.
Dr. Wilson: Well, as long as it's interesting.
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Tritter: You're rude.
House: Wow… you're like a detective or something.
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Tritter: So you treat everyone around like they're idiots. And you get away with it. Because of your cane.
House: Please stop. It's hard to write through the haze of bitter tears.
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Tritter: Last nurse you made fun of, probably slipped some crap into your coffee.
House: Uhhh, I asked for decrapinated coffee.
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House: Told you it wouldn't work.
Dr. Foreman: It worked on the wrong patient.
House: We could spend all day arguing right or wrong. Give me the hundred bucks.
Dr. Foreman: We didn't bet.
House: We could spend all day arguing whether we bet or not. Give me the hundred bucks.
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Dr. Chase: Great, I haven't committed any felonies yet today.
House: Relax, you know they're going to blame… (nods to Foreman)
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House: Infectious or environmental. All we have to do is check out parasites, viruses, bacteria, fungi, prions, toxins, radiation, chemicals, or it's internet porn-related. I'll check the internet, you cover the rest of the stuff.
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House: There's a reason that we don't let kids vote, or drink, or work in salt mine. They're idiots! Twenty-year-olds fall in and out of love more often than they change their oil filters. Which they should do more often.
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House: Have any of your shorties ever been whiteys?
Dr. Foreman: I'm not sure I understand your ghetto slang, Dr. House. How many black women have you dated, by the way?
House: I don't care about color, as long as they can help me breed a superior race.
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Dr. Cuddy: You need to apologize to this guy.
House: I'm a man of principle. I don't care how much time and money it costs you to defend me.
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Dr. Cuddy: Pay attention to me!
House: Sorry, that would make it harder to ignore you. Can't ignore that rapidly-expanding first-trimester ass, though.
Dr. Cuddy: Sometimes an ass is just an ass
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Dr. Wilson: Oh. Oh! You stole Wendy's personnel file?
House: In a way, aren't we all guilty of bribing the janitor to take her file and give it to me. Yes, I take my share of the blame, but isn't society…?
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Dr. Wilson: Your real fear is me having a good relationship.
House: Yes, it keeps me up at night. That and the Loch Ness Monster, global warming, evolution, other fictional concepts.
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Dr. Chase: The brain stem? Brain damage is not only possible, it's likely.
House: Good point. Let's biopsy something safer… like her shoes.
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Dr. Cuddy: Something goes wrong, he'll sue us for not disclosing the risks.
House: Then have Wilson talk to the husband. Wilson kills people left and right, no one ever sues him.
Dr. Cuddy: Fine, but only if you apologize to the clinic guy.
House: Nah. Probably better to just let that couple die.
Dr. Cuddy: I don't care if you mean it… just do it
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House: Great job. Why don't you just shoot them in the head.
Dr. Wilson: Hold on, that gives me an idea. You know what could save this couple: lots of misdirected sarcasm.
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House: Shoot him up with one of these puppies instead.
Dr. Cameron: No!
House: You do understand, it's not really a puppy.
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Dr. Chase: Give it up. Foreman and Cameron are too ethical. And I'm too scared of getting sued.
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Dr. Cameron: He knew we'd stop him. He stuck both of them in his pocket.
Dr. Chase: That's actually pretty clever.
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Tritter: I don't want to sue you.
House: Good.
Tritter: I want to beat the crap out of you.
House: Less good.
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Dr. Foreman: The cause, the brother-sister thing…
House: Good plan. You just gotta keep 'em away from doctors, the internet, and anyone who's not a total moron.
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House: You can't bet when you know the answer beforehand.
Dr. Foreman: We could spend all day arguing whether you can bet when you know the answer beforehand. Give me the two hundred bucks.
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House: Aw, c'mon. This isn't because I was speeding. This is because I'm Latino.