House Season 3 Episode 15

House: You know what my team is doing right now?
Patrick: No.
House: They're trying to figure out what's wrong with me.
Patrick: What's wrong with you?
House: Thanks for asking. They found out that I'm dying.
Patrick: That's sad.
House: Everyone's dying.
Patrick: That's sad.
House: If a meteor lands on my head tomorrow it's all academic. I told them to leave me alone, but did they?
Patrick: Did they?
House: That one was rhetorical.

Dr. Wilson: Are you curious about heroin?
House: Not since last year's Christmas party.

Dr. Cameron: You're just looking for a puzzle to distract you from your own situation.
House: You're right. He's dead. Let's go home.

Dr. Foreman: I need to say something.
House: Something personal?
Dr. Foreman: Yeah.
House: I can't leave because you have something interesting in that file.
Dr. Foreman: Sorry.
(House sits down and looks at Dr. Foreman)
Dr. Foreman: You're an arrogant ass who makes impossible for anyone to like you, a bunch of people don't deserve...
House: Can we get to the "but" part of this speech?
Dr. Foreman: But I like you.
House: No, you don't. You're just reacting to the perception of my death. Need to put things in order. Feel guilt.
Dr. Foreman: Just shut up.
House: See? I annoy you.

House: (to Cameron, after getting kissed and almost stabbed by her) Foreman's and Chase's lips are not getting so close now that I know your plan.

(Cameron and Chase enter House's home and turn on the light)
Dr. Cameron: I'll take in here. Bedrooms are down the hall.
Dr. Chase: You've been here?
Dr. Cameron: Where else would the bedrooms be?
Dr. Chase: (walking by Cameron) Come with?
Dr. Cameron: You're scared of him catching us breaking into his home but you're not scared of him catching us doing it in his bed?
Dr. Chase: If I'm gonna get fired anyway.

House: Do you like your life?
Patrick: What life?

House: (as Chase enters) Your turn.
Dr. Chase: Do you have to do that?
House: You mean, cheapen everyone's intent by identifying the real calculations that go in to it?
Dr. Chase: Yeah.
House: Yeah.
Dr. Chase: I'm sorry you're dying. I'm gonna hug you. Anything to say?
House: Well, if you're considering grabbing my ass, don't start anything... (Chase hugs him) ...you can't finish.

Dr. Chase: (leaving room) I'm going back to bed.
House: (enters room) Where are you going?
Dr. Chase: Uh... bathroom, it can wait.

Dr. Cuddy: It's the middle of the night. You knew I'd be asleep.
House: Phone would have woken you up just as much... but I can't see what you're wearing on the phone.

Dr. Chase: You can't just randomly stab the temporal lobe and hope you hit the right spot.
House: I'll only take little tiny pieces.
Dr. Cameron: Until what?
House: Until I find the problem.
Dr. Cameron: Or you kill him.
House: No, I'll keep going even if I kill him.

Dr. Cameron: But you kissed back.
House: I didn't want you to die not knowing what it feels like. Actually, no woman should die without knowing the feeling.

Dr. Foreman: Although he was testing blood in the clinic... don't think it was a patient's blood.
Dr. Cameron: Why, it was green?

Dr. Wilson: I could set up an tower on the roof during a lightning storm, help you switch brains with your patient. Then you would be the brilliant pianist, and he would be the doctor hiding brain cancer from his friend.
House: It's nothing.
Dr. Wilson: You need to talk about it.
House: You need to talk about it.
Dr. Wilson: At least let me look at your medical file.
House: You're making a big deal out of nothing. Who else knows?
Dr. Wilson: No one, and cancer isn't nothing.
House: Sorry, I didn't mean to offend your specialty.

House: This is going to be personal, isn't it?
Dr. Foreman: Yeah.
(House leaves)

Dr. Foreman: Savantism is just one of those things. It's… inexplicable.
House: Just because it's inexplicted doesn't mean it's inexplicable.

House: Patrick, I want you to pretend that your leg is a piano.
Patrick: My leg isn't a piano.
House: I know, that's why I said "pretend." (sotto voce) The kid's a moron.

House: Did you come for my feelings? Because I left 'em in my other pants.

House: Twenty seconds. Pretty good.
Dr. Cameron: For what.
House: The time it took you to go from hard-ass to human being.

House: (to Cuddy) Lets say I'm the left side of Patrick's brain, I'm quick-witted, I'm charming, I'm great looking. You're the right side of his brain. You're useless, old, damaged. We go to a bar for a drink. Now, I have the mad skills to be scoring all the hot babes, but instead, I'm spending my time wiping drool off your chin and making sure you don't eat the tablecloth.

(About House's high school photo)
Dr. Cameron: He's not smiling.
Dr. Chase: I wonder if he has teeth.

House: (to Cameron) A little whorish to kiss and stab.

Dr. Foreman: We just told you you're not going to die. You should be making out with Cameron.

Dr. Foreman: You're right: I don't like you.
House: Sure, now that I'm not dying.

House: (grabbing Cuddy's ass) One small feel for man, one giant ass for mankind.

House: Did you shower together?
Cameron and Chase: No!
House: Double negative. It's a yes.