House

Dr. Cameron: I apologize if it looked like we weren't devoting our full attention to your daughter, but I assure you that we... Mrs. Simms: Oh please, save your pathetic insincerity for your boyfriend. House: You're wrong! She is in fact pathetically sincere.

House: Men are pigs - you have nothing to worry about. They will pretty much have sex with anyone - young, old, heavy, thin, complete strangers, relatives.

House: No, there's no time to think! Say the first thing that comes to your head. Dr. Chase: She's fat. Dr. Foreman: Enough already! We get it! You hate fat people!

House: You have kids! How novel! That changes everything. So if Mommy has heartburn, one of them might catch on fire.

Foreman: Have you seen the latest research? Chase: Yes, I have. What I haven't seen lately is a kid eating an apple or riding a bike. You Americans can't even compete with the rest of the world in basketball anymore, unless, of course, it's the type you play with a remote control on a big screen TV. Foreman: Right. House: Wait! Are you going to let him say that? He insulted our basketball teams!

Dr. Cameron (on taking diet pills): I can't believe she was that desperate. House: Yeah, I'm sure that if everyone I knew hated me, I couldn't bear to look at me. I wouldn't go so far as to shoplift.

Ms. Ayers: I understand, it's just, well, Jessica really doesn't have any friends. Foreman: Not one? Ms. Ayers: I've tried to help, make the kids include her more, but kids can be - Foreman: Kids? Ms. Ayers: Heh, I was going to say jerks.

Chase: No, society tells you you have to be thin to be attractive. And guess what, that's what attractive means: that society likes looking at you.

Foreman: And you figure making her feel like crap would do her a world of good? Chase: Yeah, if it gets her off the couch!

Lucille: This is what a woman is supposed to look like. Okay, we're not just skin and bones. We have flesh. We have curves. House: You have little people inside you.

Chase: She's morbidly obese. The "morbid" part of that raises alarms. Foreman: Come on, it takes decades to eat your way into a heart attack. Chase: Doesn't take decades to kill yourself. If I was that fat, I'd be pretty tempted to knock back a bottle of pills.

Cuddy: You need to get rid of one of your people. House: Absolutely. As soon as I do performance reviews. And then review the reviews, of course. Because a decision like this can't be made without proper, you know, review. Shouldn't take longer than a month, maybe two. Four at the most, unless it gets complicated.

Mr. Hernandez: Tell her it's cancer – you obviously don't have a problem with lying. House: Oh – way to win me over.

House: Even if I was Dr. House, physician-patient confidentiality protects me from annoying conversations.

House: Why would you support someone who screws up? Dr. Cameron: Because I'm not insanely insecure. And because I can actually trust another human being. And I am not an angry misanthropic son of a bitch. House: Sorry - you said you weren't angry.

House: You wear a bikini now? Lucille: Yeah - you have a problem with that? House: No. I've never gone swimming with you.

Dr. Cameron: No plastic surgeon in his right mind is going to give a 10-year old liposuction. Dr. Chase: Have you ever met a plastic surgeon who was in their right mind?

House: I'm thinking I can convince Vogler it'll be more cost-efficient to keep all of them. Dr. Wilson: You should be able to pull that off. Most billionaires aren't very good with numbers. House: It will be more cost-efficient once I grab Cameron's ass, call Foreman a spade, and Chase... well, I'll grab his ass too.

Dr. Chase: Obesity isn't something you just grow out of. Dr. Foreman: I take it you've never seen a baby.

Lucille: I'm not pregnant! House: Sorry, you don't get to make that call unless you have a stethoscope. Union rules.

Lucille: It's like my heart is on fire. Like it's, oh I don't know, like... House: Burning? Lucille: Exactly! House: Hmm. Sounds almost like heartburn. Lucille: So can you give me something? House: Like a thesaurus? Lucille: What?

House: You ever seen an infected pierced scrotum? Dr. Cuddy: Uh, no, but I know a few people on whom I'd like to see it happen.