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House: Things have their place when you hang them from Christmas trees.
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House: I saw something amazing. Pure truth.
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Kutner: She called her mom a slut?!?
House: No. I called her mom a slut.
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House: (unveiling an Apple iPhone from the gift box) Wow! Now either that costs more than 25 bucks, or I'm seriously starting to doubt Steve Jobs' business strategies... Thanks!
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House: See. Clear, simple statement of facts describing their cooperation with absolutely no attitude or fear.
Dr. Cuddy: Something's gotta be done.
House: Oh yeah.
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House: Have you people no holiday spirit? Bring me the egg-nog of good cheer!
Dr. Foreman: House, if you have something to say, say it, if you don't, give us a chance to get home before Santa.
House: Scrooge.
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House: Listing all the possible causes is only impressive if you can do it reverse alphabetically.
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Thirteen: The only thing we found in the ecstasy was.... ecstasy.
House: Well, that never hurt anyone.
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Kutner: He lies.
House: My ears are burning.
Dr. Foreman: Tell 'em you're done firing people.
House: Well, if I lie, that would be little reassurance.
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Thirteen: She's not a liar.
House: Okay, this is gonna be a tough case. I have almost no knowledge of alien physiology.
Thirteen: Everyone lies, but there's an exception to every rule.
House: Actually, there isn't. That's kinda what makes it a rule.
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House: Are you a doctor?
Jane: I'm 11.
House: That's not an answer, that's an evasion.
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House: There's a reason that everybody lies: it works. It's what allows society to function, it's what separates man from beast.
Dr. Wilson: Oh, I thought that was our thumbs.
House: Do you wanna know every place your mother's thumb has been?
Dr. Wilson: I'm sorry, I missed rehearsal. Am I taking the "truth is good" side? Don't you usually take that part?
House: Lies are a tool, to be used either for good… no, wait, I got a better one. Lies are like children. Hard work but they're worth it. Because the future depends on them.
Dr. Wilson: You are so full of love… or something.
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Thirteen: You catch her lying?
House: Not yet.
Thirteen: Wouldn't "no" have been a shorter answer?
House: Wouldn't you not talking make this a shorter conversation?
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Melanie: Prostitutes wear religious symbols?
House: I think they just like kneeling.
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Dr. Cuddy: You owe me fifty bucks.
House: Then you owe me half a lap dance.
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House: Do you spell "homie" with a "y"? I want to be respectful.
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House: On the other hand, you are now a team, you've gotta work together. The simple fact is giving people crap makes people like people. So spend 25 bucks, learn to love.
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House: Conflict's built right into the name. Santa's about sharing, a secret's about withholding.
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Kutner: So you've got Huntington's?
Thirteen: Nope.
Kutner: But House said that you…
Thirteen: If I wanted to talk about it, why didn't I bring it up?
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House: If you don't know how to lie, you don't know how to tell when you're being lied to.
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Kutner: Why don't we just double the amount we can spend?
Dr. Foreman: Nope.
Kutner: Can't afford another $25?
Dr. Foreman: If we allow people $50, people will spend $60.
Kutner: Ah, so you can't afford another $35.
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House: Well, that sucks. 4,300 saved e-mails and not a single mention of "lesbionic, " "sanchez," or "man-gina."
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House: It's just a climbing knot.
Taub: But what does she use it for? Try bondage.
House:I did once. She just tied me down and whined about how hard it is to be Dean of Medicine.
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Kutner: It's not Christmas yet.
House: I remembered. I'm not a Satanist, I'm a druid.
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Dr. Wilson: I've been looking for this all morning.
House: Did you look in the box on my desk? Oh, by the way, your mom called. Your dad's dead.
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Dr. Wilson: Have you ever consider channeling your powers to, I don't know, bring peace to the Mid-East?
House: I couldn't do that.
Dr. Wilson: But if they ever got it, you could screw it up.
House: Yeah, that's more where my powers lie.
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Melanie: No rash on my labia. Do you need to take a look?
House: I'm saving my money for a Red Ryder BB gun.
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House: Where are we going?
Dr. Wilson: Nowhere. I just know it hurts you.
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Kutner: You guys mad at me?
Thirteen: Nope, you had no choice.
Kutner: Of course I had a choice. You had no choice once I made my choice.
Thirteen: And now I'm choosing not to be mad at you.
Kutner: Why?
Thirteen: 'Cause it'll drive House nuts.
Dr. Foreman: You think that'll make your lives better or worse?
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Dr. Wilson: You tell people the cold hard truth all the time, you get off on it.
House: Because I don't care. She cared.
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Dr. Wilson: The angels of Christmas have finally given House a present he can appreciate it.
House: Oh don't ruin it, don't pin this on Christ, he's got enough nails in him.
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House: Take off that hat.
Dr. Wilson: It's Christmas, it's a reindeer.
House: It's a moose. On a Jew.
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House: The only reason they give multiple reasons is you're searching for what the person wants to hear.
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Kutner: Who's that from?
House: Santa, obviously, because you know I worship him. No, wait, I mean Satan. I always get them confused.
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Dr. Foreman: Did you buy House a present?
Dr. Chase: Why would I?
Dr. Foreman: To screw with me.
Dr. Chase: Then I'm gonna say yes.
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Roger: I had known her for less than an hour and she offered to take me home. There was no need to drug her... not that I would.
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Kutner: Good, then can we do Secret Santa?
House: I liked you better 15 seconds ago when you were afraid for your job.