House Season 4 Episode 14

Dr. Cuddy: (to House) Fifty-one weeks of the year I let you run around like a monkey in a banana factory.

Evan: What's the test say?
House: As I suspected! You have significant losses in the upper-right quadrant of your visual field.
Evan: Are you serious?
House: No. It's a joke. Two guys go into a bar and one has significant losses in the upper-right quadrant of his visual field, and the other guy says "You're going to need an MRI to determine the type and location of your tumor."

Dr. Cuddy: (to Cameron) The last time I checked the ER, you had the best kept charts in the building. The last time I checked the fourth floor janitor's closet, I found House's charts.

Dr. Cuddy: I'm taking back the TV.
House: I saved his life!
Dr. Cuddy: That wasn't the deal.
House: But the contract clearly stated "no takesy-backsies."

Dr. Foreman: You kidnapped him?
House: It's sweet that I haven't lost the ability to surprise you.

Evan: So the nut job was right.
Kutner: He usually is.
Evan: He said I was dying.
Kutner: (pause) He's wrong a lot too. That's why we do these tests.

Evan: You're that nutjob doctor that keeps calling my publicist.
House: Actually, I'm the nutjob head of diagnostic medicine.

Dr. Cuddy: The accreditation board is here to protect us and our patients, so in dealing with the on-site inspector, please behave as if it wasn't also an enormous pain in the ass.

Dr. Cuddy: Why is House driving a limo?
Dr. Foreman: Don't know.
Dr. Cameron: Don't have to know.
Dr. Chase: Don't… care?

Evan: How can you watch that stuff?
House: 'Cause it's awesome.
Evan: It's preposterous. Not one real moment since I've been on the show.
House: As opposed to shows that represent the world exactly like it is. Like… I can't think of any.

House: I just parked a town car in an ambulance bay. And instead of ripping me one, Cuddy acted like she didn't know me. It's either an inspection or an aneurysm.

Evan: You lied to me?
House: I kidnapped you. You're surprised that I lied to you?

House: Kutner. Leave the room, wait 30 minutes, come back and tell her the test was negative.
Kutner: Is it okay if I use that time to do the test?
House: Get out of here.

Marie Actress: Are you really a doctor?
House: "Glioblastoma." Need more proof?

Marie Actress: Well, I asked him on a date last month. We went out a few times, but we weren't right for each other.
House: Too small or too large?
Marie Actress: Is that medically relevant?
House: I'm a doctor, and it's relevant to me, so yes.

(preparing to test for impotency)
House: We don't need to wait for a reflex. If he can't get engorged the way God intended, he can't get engorged.
Dr. Cameron: I'm not showing him my boobs.
House: Lack of response to your chest tells us nothing. Thirteen, show him… (sighs) Where can I find a decent set of knockers around here?
Dr. Cameron: Your porn's in the second drawer.

Dr. Cuddy: You keep food in the morgue?
House: If I keep it in the lounge, everyone else eats it.
Dr. Cuddy: That's 'cause it's everyone else's food.
House: Oh, I thought it was just everyone else's bags.

House: Dr. House. I don't think we've met.
Dr. Conway: Dr. Jamie Conway. I've heard your name.
House: Most people have. It's also a noun.