House

House: (to Cuddy after she suspends his privileges) You're gonna come begging me to save this girl long before I come begging you for pills.

Tritter: I spoke with the D.A. He agreed to two months in a rehab facility in exchange for a guilty plea. House: Get out of my office. Doctor Wilson: No jail time. House:Right. I should get locked up in some place I don't belong in order to avoid getting locked up in some other place I don't belong.

Clinic Doctor: Gabapentin is not really gonna help with the sleep. House: Oh...is there something else you can give me? Clinic Doctor: Vicodin is your best bet with sleep issues. House: Thanks so much. Clinic Doctor: Unfortunately our policy forbids prescribing opiates to new patients. House: How can a clinic have a rule against relieving pain. Clinic Doctor: Just with opiates. We find it helps us weed out drug-seekers. House: You think I'm a drug-seeker? Clinic Doctor: I'm not saying that. House: Well then give me the Vicodin. Clinic Doctor: I can't. House: ...because you think I'm a drug-seeker. Clinic Doctor: I just said I didn't. House: No...you said the policy was to stop drug-seeking, then you said I'm not a drug-seeker, policy doesn't apply. Clinic Doctor: I'm sorry, that's the policy.

Dr. Cameron: Was it an easy choice? Dr. Wilson: Of course not. But it's right. Dr. Cameron: Then why wasn't it easy? Dr. Wilson: Because he's my friend. It's obviously complicated. Dr. Cameron: It's complicated? When you decided to talk to Tritter your life got a million times better. How do you seperate that out? How do you pretend your windfall isn't relevant to this decision? Dr. Wilson: It was the right thing to do. Dr. Cameron: You pretending your motives are pure is why I have a problem.

Dr. Wilson: House! Just give me a minute. You're afraid of the pain. House: (brandishing his cane) You're not?

Dr. Foreman: We need to stop retracing our steps and get ahead of this thing. Dr. Wilson: House. You've tanned. Dr. Foreman: You don't think I could've come up with this? Dr. Cuddy: Did you?

Dr. Foreman: I get why you don't want to go to rehab. But only an idiot goes to prison for being stubborn. House: Only an idiot stands between Ahab and his whale. Move.

Maddy: My daughter and I both have cartilage-hair hypoplasia. Think you can make a pun out of that? House: Yes… but I don't want to be insensitive. She's got a bit of a short fuse, doesn't she?

Dr. Cameron: What are you going to do? House: I thought I'd get your theories, mock them, and embrace my own. The usual.

House: Cuddy thinks it's idiopathic. "Cuddy" and "idiop" being the relevant parts of that sentence. Dr. Chase: Well I'd say TB, but Cuddy's already ruled it out. House: And you'd be just as big an idiop as her.

House: I'm certainly curious about the logistics. Did you stand on a table? Dr. Cameron: House! Maddy: Pretty much he'd lay flat and spin me. Abigail: Mom!

Maddy: Being different, you get used to people's idiocy. It's still beats the hell out of actually being an idiot. (House smiles) What? House: Care to go for a spin?

Dr. Foreman: You just don't want a cancer diagnosis because then you have to deal with Wilson. House: Lung cancer is a lame diagnosis. Avoiding Wilson is an added bonus.

Dr. Foreman: Where's Cuddy? House: (breaking and entering) In this drawer--it's a rescue mission. But I've got it under control, you can leave.

House: We both know that my pride far surpasses my instinct for self-preservation. You want to redeem yourself, give up now. Dr. Wilson: And you'll go to jail. House: I've done nothing wrong. Dr. Wilson: And you'll go to jail.

Maddy: Are you high? House: Higher than you.

House: Can we forget my vices, get back to my virtues?

House: (to Wilson) Look, there's Jesus. Go tell the Romans.

Tritter: Merry Christmas, House: And a happy "Go to Hell!"