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House: Hey! You actually do want to stay, don't you?
Dr. Foreman: I think I do.
House: Every one of those idiots got some insight about themselves from the pig salesman, not one of them did anything about it. People don't learn, they don't change, you did. You're a freak!
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Amber: What's going on?
Kutner: You're the favorite.
Amber: House's?
Kutner: To get fired.
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House: Have you guys heard any of my metaphors yet? Well come on, sit on grandpa's lap as I tell you how infections are criminals; immune system's the police. Seriously, Grumpy, get up here, it'll make us both happy.
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Dr. Cuddy: I just hired (Foreman).
House: Well, I fired him. To infinity.
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Brennan : You want us to stop his breathing?
House: Well only until you can figure out why. After that it would be irresponsible.
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Dr. Foreman: I'm not quitting.
House: My god, not everything's about you and your little job and your little world. This is about restoring order in the universe.
Dr. Foreman: I'm not quitting.
House: You're going to be miserable.
Dr. Foreman: I already am miserable.
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House: Did you get a raise? 'Cause then you're a whore. Or didn't you? 'Cause then you're a stupid whore.
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Dr. Foreman: The mayo is fine, you can stay where you are. I'm a doctor.
House: (interjecting) Mail order! I've seen the diploma--two "N"s in 'university'.
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Kutner: The cultures were my idea.
House: No one's keeping score. You're losing.
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Dr. Wilson: Well, you certainly did the right thing by coming to me.
House: Yes, I needed a smug oncologist.
Dr. Wilson: An authoritative oncologist.
House: I hate you. Tell me why.
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Dr. Cuddy: Your team, Foreman included, is dealing with the Great Mayonnaise Panic of 2007. Frankly, I'm worried it might spread to other continents.
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House: Why are you doing a pelvic for food poisoning?
Kutner: She said her hoo hoo burned.
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House: Someone's gonna be miserable sometime. Accept it. That's how I stay so happy.
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Thirteen: Getting arrested is not what I'm worried about.
House: Not a problem. You know how to kill dogs, right?
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Dr. Wilson: You're putting KY jelly on his phone receiver? An exploding snake in his drawer?
Dr. Cuddy: No, I'm replacing his Vicodin stash with laxatives.
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Dr. Wilson: (about House) Find some other way to soothe his ego. The thing's big enough. You must be able to find some corner to polish.
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House: So now you've electrocuted yourself and set a patient on fire. I like the dedication.
Kutner: Thank you.
Taub: It wasn't a compliment.
House: Yeah it was. The insult comes now: you're insane!
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Dr. Wilson: So what if it's House?
Dr. Foreman: Then I take the job at Mount Zion.
Dr. Wilson: There is no job at Mount Zion.
Dr. Foreman: House said…
Dr. Wilson: Well, if House said it, it must be true.
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Robert Elliott: (choosing the most dominant to mirror) Shut up.
Dr. Cuddy: Well, that could have been either of us.
Robert Elliott: You have great ya-bos.
Dr. Cuddy: Still could have been either of us.
House: You lose.
Dr. Cuddy: Seriously! I have always thought my breasts were one of my best features.
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House: (about the patient) Keep him in the isolation room so he doesn't pick up extreme bitch syndrome from one of the nurses.
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Dr. Foreman: You know what's worse than a sanctimonious speech? A sanctimonious speech that's dead wrong.
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Dr. Cuddy: (about Dr. Foreman) You do nothing without his knowledge.
House: Oh, uh, just in case I need them, where exactly will Dr. Foreman be keeping my balls?
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House: War doesn't end until Foreman's gone.
Dr. Cuddy: Foreman's not going anywhere.
House: And I know when my Vicodin isn't Vicodin. Do you know when your birth control pills aren't birth control pills?