House Season 1 Episode 15

(cruising in the '65 Corvette)
Dr. Wilson: Seriously man, have you ever actually driven an automobile before? There are four gears, you know.
House: The '66 came with a shut-up button.

Dr. Wilson: You can't keep it (the Corvette). It's graft.
House: No, no, no, no! Graft is if I tell them I'll only make him better if he slips me a couple of bucks or pay-off for something I'm not supposed to do. If I'd asked for the payoff, which I didn't. I would have done the bad thing anyway. So, there's nothing wrong with this.
Dr. Wilson: Right.
House: Damn! '65 perfectly restored. What do you think a guy like Joey would do if someone turned down a gift? That's kind of an insult, isn't it?
Dr. Wilson: He might hurt you. It's definitely possible.
House: I'm screwed. Gotta take the car.

House: Somebody told Vogler that I lied to the transplant committee.
Dr. Foreman: You think I did?
House: You're too careful. You wouldn't jump ship unless you knew what was in the water.
Dr. Foreman: Stop, you're embarrassing me.

House: So, just Joey? I was hoping for a nickname. Joey Mango, Joey the Wrench.

Bill: This is so bizarre.
Dr. Chase: Not really. We just take Joey's blood out of his body and run it through a pig. The pig's liver does what Joey's can't. It cleans the blood. Which we send right back to him.
Bill: And the pig makes him better?
Chase: Nope. Just buys us some time to figure out what's poisoning your brother.
Bill: Like nothin'. Like you do this all the time.
Dr. Chase: Oh, we've basically got a barn in the basement.

Dr. Chase: The hematoma caused the coma.
House: That's a catchy diagnosis. You could dance to that.

House: (to Cuddy) Good thing you fought for me though, right? Dress was a nice move, but you got to follow it up. Nasty weekend in Vegas, something that shows off your real...'administrative skills.'

Bill: Joey is not gay.
House: Maybe not gay, but certainly delightful.

House: But I have a theory. There is one chemical that, if ingested, it causes a person's estrogen level to increase dramatically.
Bill: What is it?
House: It's called...estrogen.

Dr. Chase: You can trust me.
House: Problem is, if I can't trust you, I can't trust your statement that I can trust you. But thanks anyway - you've been a big help.

Henry: (My brother) is not too smart.
House: Genetics is a powerful force.

House: Cancel the thumbscrews. I've got our culprit.
Everhardt: Who?
House: Not who. Hu.
Everhardt: Huh?
House: Thanks for playing along.

Dr. Foreman: Does it hurt when you're with House? Little pain in the tummy, but it sort of feels good too?
Dr. Cameron: I don't have the right to show interest in someone?
Dr. Foreman: You absolutely do. And I absolutely have the right to humiliate you for it.

Dr. Cameron: Cross off hemlock.
Dr. Forman: You thought he was being poisoned with hemlock? Dr. Eurpides tell you to check for that?

Dr. Foreman: Your diabolic plan to convince the evil genius he's in the clear so he'll let his guard down and make a fatal mistake, sure.
House: Well it's clearly not going to work now.
Dr. Chase: What evil genius?
House: If we knew that, we wouldn't need a diabolic plan, would we?

House: You know, they're gangsters, sure, but they're thoughtful too.

House: My car has been stolen.
Dr. Wilson: (sees House's new car) Or... reincarnated.

Bill: Your people insulted my brother.
House: What? Romano in the Parmesan cheese shaker again?

Vogler: Well, this is not a team. It's not a boat, not a machine that has a lot of parts of it that have to work together. The metaphors are all crap. This is a business - that's all it is.

Dr. Chase: Okay, and why is (Cameron's) test better then mine?
House: Because she's cuter.

Dr. Foreman: What's wrong with the timing?
House: You get home one night - your wife hits you with a baseball bat. Likely causes: the fact that you hadn't thanked her for dinner in eight years, or the receipt for fur handcuffs that she found in your pants. Sudden onset equals proximate cause.

Vogler: Da-da-da-Dr. House in the house!

House: But unless I've been named as the fourth part of the axis of evil, invaded, and occupied, this is still not a democracy. He's staying.

Dr. Foreman: I say we evacuate the cavity, see if he wakes up.
House: The neurologist thinks it's his brain and wants to open up his head. Frankly I'm shocked. And you get to use the big-boy drill in Daddy's big red tool box.

Bill: His name's Joey - he's my only brother.
House: He's important to you. Got it. So no placebos for him – we'll use the real medicine. Well, this was fun - let's do it again soon.

House: Jail. You'd like that. No more naughty schoolgirl. Conjugal visit - that's (Cuddy's) new fantasy.

House: I need the lawyer.
Vogler: Who'd you kill?
House: Nobody. But it's not even lunch.