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House: I want joint custody.
Amber: Of Wilson?
House: Unless we have another love child.
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House: Oh, you're selling religion. I'm sorry, I bought some Islam yesterday.
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Thirteen: (about Jeff) Elfin appearance?
House: He's more Legolas than Keebler.
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House: (about Jeff) Is he Canadian?
Dr. Cameron: He is a low priority.
House: Is that a yes?
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Dr. Chase: I assume Wilson was busy?
House: Again.
Dr. Chase: With Amber?
House: Again.
Dr. Chase: Still it was nice of you to invite me, this is fun.
House: No it wasn't, no it isn't. I didn't invite you to be nice. I invited you because bowling isn't one of the two things guys do by themselves.
Dr. Chase: What's the second thing?
House: Other hand.
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House: Cuddy is going to look everywhere but the place she wants me to be.
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Jeff: No, I just don't see much use in complaining.
House: Seriously? It's a pretty useful tool. Complain, you make people miserable. They do what you want to make the misery go away.
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Dr. Cameron: He's just…
House: Happy. I gotta stop this before it spreads.
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House: Three cavemen see a stranger running towards them with a spear. One fights, one flees, one smiles and invites him over for fondue. That last guy didn't last long enough to procreate.
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House: Let's take a vote. Who thinks that niceness is not a symptom? (everyone else raises their hand) And who thinks that their vote counts? (raises his hand)
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House: Taub and Thirty-One…
Thirteen: Thirty-One?
House: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that either way was good with you.
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Dr. Wilson: (about House) I don't know how to deal with him, when he's being… reasonable.
Amber: This is reasonable? This is crazy! You're not a child, you can make your own plans.
Dr. Wilson: No, crazy is what House would normally do in this situation: swap your lubricant with Superglue.
House: The man knows me.
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Amber: Take my deal, or get out of my apartment.
House: Take my deal, or I move in.
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Dr. Cuddy: "You are overtly contemptuous of hospital hierarchy."
House: And covertly. I suppose you didn't know about that.
Dr. Cuddy: "Your attitude towards supervisory personnel is disrespectful, and a disturbingly large proportion of your comments are racist or sexist."
House: That top makes you look like an Afghani prostitute... would be an example of that.
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House: You're either perfect or you're sick. In my experience, "sick" is much more common.
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Taub: You were wrong.
House: Why do people say that with such pleasure? It's very hurtful, you know.
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Young Man: Have you heard the good news?
House: Miley Cyrus is playing a third night at the Spectrum?
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Dr. Wilson: It was my fault, I had to take a shower.
Amber: Which was my fault.
House: I had to take a dump. Anything else I don't need to know before you leave?
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House: So you didn't have sex.
Amber: I like sex.
House: Then you can have it tonight. The L Word is on.
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Dr. Foreman: You want to punish Cuddy for hiring me?
House: I like Cuddy. I like parts of her.
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Dr. Foreman: Mocking me saves lives?
House: The hospital will probably build you a statue one day. You know, with a "kick me" sign on the back. You know when you think about it, the more I mock you, the more it shows I have respect for you.
Dr. Foreman: Or you made up that BS because you like humiliating me.
House: Wouldn't rule that out completely.
-
Taub: Maybe we just put Hitler on Ritalin.
Dr. Cameron: Are you comparing House to Hitler?
Dr. Chase: Oh God.
Dr. Cameron: Just because I don't think he's Hitler doesn't mean I slept with him. I don't sleep with everyone who's better than Hitler.
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Deb: I'm not worried.
Kutner: Neither am I.
House: Neither am I. That's because I don't care.
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Dr. Cuddy: The strike ended. The nurses have been back for two shifts already.
House: You think I'd have noticed. What exactly do they do around here?
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House: (reading his review of Cuddy) "You act like employees should fear and respect you, but your eyes tell us… actually, your eyes tell us nothing because we're looking at your boobs. Which tell us that you're desperate to have someone jump on you and tell you they love you one grunted syllable at a time. What you want, you run away from. What you need, you don't have a clue. What you've accomplished, makes you proud. But you're still miserable." Please sign.