House

House: Brain's clean. Moving on. Thirteen: To where? We've gone from making no sense to making less sense and then taking a step backward.

Dr. O'Shea: Are you checking me out? House: You're astute. No. Dr. O'Shea: How many pills did you just take? House: Vicodin, opiods, some B12. Need a little kick in the afternoon. You got a problem with that? (O'Shea shrugs) I think I'm falling in love.

Dr. Foreman: We need to remove the eye. House: It's her only working eye. Dr. Foreman: We could remove the other one, but since it's not killing her, I thought this way was less insane. House: (to O'Shea) Do you have some ethical problem with what I'm doing that you can express in a unique way which might actually make me think that I'm wrong even though I'll never admit it? Dr. O'Shea: Yes. House: You are funny. The problem's not in her eye, it's in her head. You wanna come over and watch Prescription Passion at my house tonight? Dr. O'Shea: You know I'm not gay, right? House: Neither am I. If you don't want to have sex, that's cool with me. Dr. O'Shea: I'm not coming over to your home. House: I'll grow on you.

Dr. Foreman: I'm sorry. We need to remove your eye. Apple: My eye? House: A moment ago you thought you were dying. Blind's actually good news.

Lucas: Oh yeah, that will be… $2,300 dollars House: I'll get you a check. Lucas: No, I don't take checks. House: You think I'm going to stop payment? Lucas: Aren't you? House: Of course I am. $2,300, that's insane.

House: Say it. Dr. Foreman: You were right. House: God, that was petty of me.

Kutner: Does that PI guy mean we don't have to break into people's homes any more? House: It's the whole reason you went to medical school. I'm not gonna take that away from you.

House: Did you get the consent? Taub: No. House: Tell Foreman to get it. Old people are scared of black people.

Lucas: There are two types of people who hire me. No, actually there are three types of people that hire me, but the third point is irrelevant to the point I want to make. House: Do you have a special rate plan for being a pain in the ass?

House: Have you been checking me out? I've been paying for that? Lucas: So far you haven't paid for anything.

Apple: The guys I hated dancing with before, I hated dancing with after. My parents were still dead, I was still alone. House: You're fun. Apple: You don't seem that different. House: I haven't given up.

House: How do you know what they're talking about? Lucas: I'm in the same grief-counseling group.I recently lost my mother. House: You get laid more often if you told them you lost a kid. Lucas: I didn't lose a kid.

Lucas: Only two things you ignore: things that aren't unimportant and things you wish weren't important. And wishing never works.

House: How many friends do you have? Lucas: Seventeen. House: Seriously? Lucas: No, I knew this conversation was really about you, so I gave you an answer so you could get back to your train of thought.

House: Friends allow you to not sit in a room by yourself. You charging me for this? Lucas: Are we friends? House: No. Lucas: Then yes. House: Want to be my friend? Lucas: No. You scare me a little.

Dr. Cuddy: I'm going to trust your first instincts. House: I'm not usually confused when you say things like that.

Nurse: You ever hear of the boy who cried wolf? House: Never really bought that. I don't care how often the kid cries he's going to be eaten by a wolf, the mom's going to come running.