House

Dr. Foreman: Look, I'm sorry. I can explain this as best I can, but the notion that you're gonna fully understand your son's treatment and make an informed decision is... is kind of insane. Here's what you need to know. It's dangerous. It could kill him. You should do it.

Dr. Cuddy: And is there a paternity bet on the father of the patient? House: Doesn't sound like me. Dr. Wilson: Well, it does, actually, but doesn't mean you're guilty.

House: You know another really good business? Teeny tiny baby coffins. You can get them in frog green or fire engine red. Really. The antibodies in yummy Mummy only protect the kid for six months, which is why these companies think they can gouge you. They think that you'll spend whatever they ask to keep your kid alive. Want to change things? Prove 'em wrong. Few hundred parents like you decide they'd rather let their kid die than cough up forty bucks for a vaccination, believe me, prices will drop really fast.

Dr. Chase: It doesn't necessarily have to be that bad. If we exclude the night terrors it could be something systemic: his liver, kidneys, something outside the brain. House: Yes, feel free to exclude any symptom if it makes your job easier.

Dan's Mother: How can you just sit there? House: If I eat standing up, I spill.

House: Another reason I don't like meeting patients. If they don't know what you look like, they can't yell at you.

Dr. Cuddy: How's your hooker doing? House: Sweet of you to ask. Funny story. She was going to be hospital administrator, but she just hated having to screw people like that.

Dr. Wilson: Just tell Cuddy you have an urgent case. House: That would be lying. Dr. Wilson: And that would be wrong . . . ?

Funsten: You've caused me considerable mental stress. House: I certainly hope so.

House: Can we get off my screw-ups and focus on theirs? Theirs is bigger.

House: It's ironic, isn't it? Sort of like the boy who sued wolf. You know, I bet we have a doctor here named Wolf. How perfect would that be? I'm gonna page him.

House: Who thinks there's a third option? (Chase raises his hand) Very good. What's the third choice? Dr. Chase: (shrugs) No idea. You just asked if I thought there was one.

Dr. Cameron: What about sex? House: Well, it might get complicated. I mean, we work together. I'm older, certainly, but maybe you like that. Dr. Cameron: I meant maybe he has neurosyphilis. House: Huh. Nice cover. (winks)

Dr. Foreman: Actually, Chase tackled him. House: How come you didn't do it? Dr. Foreman: Right. Well, I am black, but he was closer.

House: Dr. Cuddy. Great outfit. Dr. Cuddy: What are you doing back here? Patient? House: No. Hooker. Went to my office instead of my home.

House: Who cares about McPhearson? I heard he tortures kittens. Dr. Foreman: McDonald. House: Oh, McDonald. Wonderful doctor, loved kittens.

Dr. Foreman: He probably just moved. Nobody stays perfectly still for their MRI. House: Yeah, he probably got restless and shifted one hemisphere of his brain to a more comfortable position.

House: Are you guessing? Dr. Chase: Yes. House: Too bad. You're right.

House: (Chase) knew that I saw something on the MRI, so he figured that I saw something and took a guess. Clever . . . but pathetic.

Dr. Foreman: From what I've read, false paternity is more like 10%. House: That's what our moms would like us to believe.

House: You hound me for my opinion and then you condemn my diagnosis. Cool.

House: Perseverance does not equal worthiness. Next time you want to get my attention, wear something fun. Low-rider jeans are hot.

House: When did my signature get so girly? Dr. Cameron: I can explain. House: See that "G"? See how it makes a big loop on top? Doesn't even look like my handwriting. Think I have something? What's the differential diagnosis for writing G's like a junior high school girl?

Dr. Wilson: Yes, concerned parents can be so annoying.