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House: Are you the boyfriend? I need to borrow you.
Barbara: What's going on?
House: Don't worry. I'll return him in roughly the same condition.
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Dr. Chase: No alarm on this window.
Dr. Cameron: It's a 20 feet drop.
Dr. Chase: You can get to the tree from here. There's some bark scraped off.
Dr. Cameron: Sure, heart transplant girl swung down the tree on a vine. Maybe she was hooking up with Tarzan and Cheetah down by the elephant graveyard.
Dr. Chase: Or, Jane stayed in the treehouse, Tarzan came up.
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Dan: What, do you think there was still some (penicillin) on my lips? I brushed my teeth.
House: Think lower and more fun.
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Dan: Do you have to tell her (her seizure) was my fault?
House: No. Great part of being a grownup, you never have to do anything.
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House: Lying to your parents is usually the right thing to do, but there is the impending death exception.
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House: You wake up in the morning, your paint's peeling, your curtains are gone, and the water's boiling. Which problem do you deal with first?
Dr. Foreman: House...
House: None of them, the building's on fire!
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Dr. Chase: We're going to need a semen sample. You can use the bathroom over there.
Dan: Right...uh...how do I...
Dr. Cameron: Aim and shoot.
(Dan walks off)
Dr. Chase: No thinking about Dr Cameron--we'll know.
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Dr. Chase: Melinda's dying.
House: We're all dying. How fast?
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House: Get an L.P. And do PCRs for the viruses. And get an E.M.G. to check for Guillain-Barré. Foreman's right, we gotta find out why she's paralyzed. (team stare at House) But not before staring at me dumbly for a few seconds...
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(House stops Foreman from writing on the whiteboard)
House: Sorry, there's a reason they call it the whiteboard. It's not my rule.
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Dr. Foreman: We explained the anaphylaxis...
House: What do you mean we? I did!
At least I thought I did. Maybe I didn't. Still it was all me!
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Dr. Foreman: I say we assume House was right about the anaphylaxis...
House: It is tempting.
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Dan: But, you know, they've tested Mellinda, they said she wasn't allergic to my stuff.
House: Yeah, four days later. By that time the penicillin was crusting up a sock in the bottom of your hamper.
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Dr. Cameron: (to Chase) Too bad it's not you giving the (sperm) sample. We'd be done by now.
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Dan: (about a coma patient) Is he Okay?
House: He's just tired from being in a coma so long.
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House: What did he do to protect her? Brillo Pad his privates?
Cameron: I assume he washed, and he...
House: Oh, good work! Assumptions are so much faster than actual questions!
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House: Everything sucks. Might as well find something to smile about.
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Dr. Wilson: You erased my messages?
House: Yep. Decided I wanted you to stay. Told you that, didn't I?
Dr. Wilson: You're miserable and you're lonely and you're gonna trap me here to keep me every bit as miserable and lonely too.
House: Yeah. You're happy, happy, happy.
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Dr. Wilson: You said you'd hang the stethoscope if you were having sex.
House: I didn't say it had to be with another person.
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Dr. Foreman: (to Cameron) So I hear you don't want teenagers having sex. Teen suicide rate isn't high enough for you already?
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Dr. Wilson: Oh, no wonder you were in the mood - this month's New Jersey Journal of Cardiology.
House: Have you seen the centerfold? There's no way those valves are real!
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House: What are you doing?!
Dr. Wilson: What? You asked me...
House: You knew that I was interested - that gives you a valuable bargaining chip. You'd have me doing dishes for a week!
-
House: Only way to confirm this, inject the rat with her blood and wait for it to get all botulistic on your ass. In the meantime, I'm going downstairs to browbeat a scared, dying teenage girl until she breaks down like...a scared, dying teenage girl.
-
Dr. Wilson: Cuddy called.
House: I know. I saw the caller ID.
Dr. Wilson: Young girl, anaphylactic shock.
House: You answered?
Dr. Wilson: Turns out, that's what stops the ringing.
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House: Six months without putting out – Dr. Cuddy doesn't need to wear thong panties. It's not our call.
Dr. Cuddy: I was wondering when you'd get around to my panties.
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Dr. Cuddy: These are your big ideas – somebody's lying?
House: Hasn't let me down yet.
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Dr. Cameron: You had unsafe sex? The whole "unsafe" thing didn't tell you something?
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Dr. Cameron: Love is an emotion certain people experience. Similar to happiness. You know, maybe I should give a more relatable example.
House: Ohhh…snap!
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(talking about sperm and penicillin)
Dan: I mean, it can go through your stuff?
House: Totally, dude. There's this administrator here, whenever she gets sick, she just gives me the prescription.
-
House: What's the good news, what's the bad news?
Dr. Chase: Congestive heart failure.
House: Is which?
Dr. Chase: Good news.
House: Why?
Dr. Chase: I don't know. Just... sounded like you.