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Tony: Leather shoes, hamburgers. How could anybody do that to a cow?
House: Make love, not belts?
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Tony: I want to get Depo Provera.
House: Actually, at your age, as long as you're careful, the risk of you getting pregnant is pretty limited.
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House: This girl's father will die by next week without her heart.
Dr. Cuddy: House, don't you think that's a bit manipulative?
House: No!
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(while he's coughing up blood)
Ronald: Is this a seizure?
House: Shut up.
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Amy: If you do Mom again you have to wear a condom.
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House: A way to a man's heart is through his stomach.
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Ronald: I had sex with her mother.
House: I think she knows you've done it by now.
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Dr. Wilson: Some people bottle up their feelings, have them come out as physical pain. Healthy human beings express feelings such as affection by giving gifts.
House: Gifts express guilt. The more expensive the expression, the deeper the guilt. That's a $12 box so that means you haven't slept with her yet, or she wasn't that good.
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House: A disease that attacks his brain, heart, and testicles. I think Byron wrote about that.
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House: (about a comatose woman) She's a fridge with a power out. You start poking around inside, the vegetable goes bad. No offense.
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Dr. Cuddy: He's 66 years old.
House: He told me he was 65. Liar. I'm outta here.
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Dr. Foreman: His right testicle is almost twice as big as his left.
House: Cool!
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House: When guys have brain/crotch problems, it's usually the result of using one too much and the other too little.
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Dr. Cameron: I thought we were wearing the wrong shoes for cancer.
House: We're wearing the wrong shoes for testicular cancer. They're perfect for lymphoma. Except Chase's – they're just goofy.
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House: Norwegian chocolate. Frankly, you buy that stuff the terrorists win.
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Dr. Wilson: It's not all about sex, House.
House: Really? When did that change?
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House: Wilson! How long can you go without sex?
Dr. Wilson: How long can you go without annoying people?
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Henry: I assume you've been in love?
House: Is that the one that makes your pants feel funny?
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House: Cheese is the devil's plaything.
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House: Key to a long life – exotic women, boring cheese.
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House: If you really cared about me you'd find me a better corpse.
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Dr. Cuddy: Don't you think that's a little manipulative?
House: No, it's hugely manipulative.
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Dr. Cameron: We're going to cure death?
House: (laughs maniacally) I doubt it.
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Ronald: I assume House is a great doctor?
Dr. Chase: Why would you assume that?
Ronald: Because if you're that big a jerk you're either great or unemployed.
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House: So I have to wonder what could be more humiliating then someone calling your girlfriend a cow and not being metaphorical?
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Dr. Cameron: She's positive for gonorrhea.
House: I think that's the first time those words have been uttered in joy.