House

Dr. Cameron: If you're too distracted to deal with this because your leg hurts. House: (loud and angrily.) Yeah, I'm distracted. I'm all hung up on this fifteen year old patient who's cataplectic, can't remember what she had for lunch and is rapidly losing control of her body. And I want her father here in case they've got any more secrets that I need to know about. Now, if you're not too distracted go take out a piece of her brain and stick it under a microscope.

Dr. Chase: Brain biopsy shows no white matter disease. House: Cameron, you going to tell Cuddy or has she already got you wired for sound?

House: No, it's cancer. But, he has cancer, on his left testicle. Alex: I don't have testicles. Dad: She's not a guy. House: His DNA says you're wrong. Frogs and snails and puppy dog tails. You've got male pseudohermaphroditism. See we all start out as girls and then we're differentiated based on our genes. The ovaries develop into testes and drop. But in about 1 in 150,000 pregnancies a fetus with an XY chromosome, a boy, develops into something else. Like you. Your testes never descended because you're immune to testosterone. You're pure estrogen, which is why you get heightened female characteristics; clear skin, great breasts. The ultimate woman is a man. Nature's cruel, huh?

(after being told the daughter he had sex with is a boy) Martin: This is obviously a joke. This is impossible! House: No, a joke would be me calling you a homo. See the difference?

House: (examining Alex's mammogram) I knew the twins were real. Chase owes me.

Dr. Wilson:: Brilliant idea sending Stacy away. It's really done wonders for you. House: Listen, none of this has anything to do with Stacy. Dr. Wilson: Right. Giant coincidence you've gone completely off the rails since she left. Inducing migraines, worsening leg pain. (House whacks Wilson's leg) House: Aw, you miss Stacy too?

Dr. Cameron: Since when do you voluntarily go see patients? House: Have you seen her? Dr. Cameron: She's fifteen! House: Yeah, but there's something about her, something in her eyes, a kind of maturity... Dr. Cameron: Yeah, yeah, she's an old soul - this is creepy, even for you.

House: (discussing Alex's breasts) Two clinic hours says that those love apples are handcrafted by God. Dr. Foreman: I thought you didn't believe in God. House: I do now.

Dr. Wilson: How'd you get here? House: By osmosis.

Dr. Cuddy: Teenage supermodel. Presented with double vision, sudden aggressive behavior, cataplexy… House: You had me at "teenage supermodel".

Alex: I was passed out, but I wasn't. I, I knew what was going on, but I couldn't move or talk... House Yeah, sounds like a medical thing. It's called cataplexy. Catfight and cataplexy on the catwalk. Cool.

Dr. Foreman: There's no age limit on addiction. House: (popping a Vicodin) He's right.

House: I take it you're married. George: (gestures to his wedding ring) You must be psychic. House: You must be witty.

Dr. Foreman: Why would your mind go to abuse so fast? House: I had a funny uncle. Dr. Foreman: You were abused? House: What? No! Why'd your mind go to that so fast? I just had a funny uncle. Great stories, always filthy.

House: Fine, arrest him. Use Cuddy's handcuffs.

Dr. Wilson: Heard you killed your supermodel. House: Only for a minute. Dr. Wilson: Just for my own clarity, how many more patients do you have to kill before you admit this leg thing might be a problem? House: Three.

Dr. Wilson: (over a microphone) House, this is God. House: Look, I'm a little busy right now. Not supposed to talk during these things. Got time Thursday? Dr. Wilson: Let me check. Oh, I got a plague! How about Friday? House: You'll have to check with Cameron. Dr. Wilson: Oh, damn it! She always wants to know why bad things happen. Like I'm gonna come up with a new answer this time. Dr. Cuddy: House! House: Quick, God! Smite the evil witch!

Dr. Chase: Why does (Alex) need more protection than some crack whore shivering in the clinic waiting room? Dr. Foreman: I think you're just afraid to piss House off. Dr. Chase: There's that too.

Dr. Wilson: If you think it will help, the drugs will help. Power of the mind. House: You're right. The more I talk to you, the more the pain floods back.

House: Did you check the pancreas? Dr. Wilson: Oh come on – you're just making up organs now, aren't you?