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Lola: You live alone?
House: You writing a book?
Lola: I made it a question just 'cause it's more polite.
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House: Call me when he's stable—or dead.
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Dr. Cameron: His heart rate is 130 and rising like a Randy Johnson line drive.
House: 'A' for effort.
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Lola: You're not gonna tell me it's a bad idea? Why give a kidney to someone who might not be able to use it?
House: Not my area. That is, however, my chair.
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Dr. Cameron: I was the first person (House) ran into. He just asked me.
Dr. Chase: Yeah, like a date.
Dr. Cameron: Exactly. Except for the "date" part.
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Dr. Cameron: You asking me to go with you?
House: Sure. Sounds good.
Dr. Cameron: Like a…date?
House: Exactly. Except for the "date" part.
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House: You see, kidneys don't wear watches. Sure, gallbladders do, but it doesn't matter, 'cause kidneys can't tell time.
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Lola: He drops a clean urine, denies using steroids, then you're giving him a drug for what, steroid abuse?
House: No, no, it's not. It - it's got calcium in it. It's very good for the bones. Basically, on a molecular level, it's just milk.
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House:See? Steroid use shrinks the testicles.
Hank: I am clean, man - no steroids, no nothing.
House: Your lips say no, your prunes say yes.
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House: 5 p.m., Dr. House checks out.
Cuddy: It's 4:45.
House: I was rounding up.
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House: Go ask him what he's on. When he says nothing, have him pee in a cup.
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House: But I had three reasons.
Dr. Cuddy: Good ones?
House: Well, let's see in a minute - I'm just making them up now.
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Dr. Cuddy: You put him on lupra.
House: Uh-huh.
Dr. Cuddy: And you told him it was like milk?
House: Yes.
Dr. Cuddy: Is there any way in which that is not a lie?
House: It's creamy.
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House: "Hypo-gonadism." Ain't that a great word? Thanks - we don't get to say it enough.
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Patient #2: I can't get my contact lenses out.
House: Out of what - they're not in your eyes.
Patient #2: They're red.
House: That's because you're trying to remove your corneas.
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House: All life is equally sacred. And I promise you, the next knitting injury that comes in here, we're on it like stink on cheese.
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Lola: You have a big 'keep out' sign stapled on your forehead.
House: That explains it. I told them to put it on my door.
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(about Foreman's girlfriend)
House: The groupies sleep with the roadies to get to Mick.
Dr. Foreman: And you're...Mick?
House: That was the metaphor I was making, yes.
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Dr. Cameron: She buys lunches - she doesn't...
House: Don't worry, you're not gay. You're...adventurous.
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House: Hank Wiggen peed on me. What do you think these pants are worth on E-bay?
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Dr. Chase: House says you were lying - I believe him.
Dr. Foreman: What's that - you got a little wet smudge on the end of your nose...
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House: Do you like monster trucks?
Dr. Cameron: I don't know what they are...
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House: You're religious.
Dr. Cameron: You have to be religious to believe the fetus is alive?
House: There seems to be a correlation.
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House: Fine. I'll ask one of my other friends.
Dr. Wilson: Huh.
House: What? Are you saying I've only got one friend.
Dr. Wilson: Who?
House: Kevin. In Bookkeeping.
Dr. Wilson: Okay, well first of all, his name is Carl.
House: I call him Kevin. It's his secret friendship club name.
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House: These tickets are so good, we have to sign a release. I mean it - we do this, we could die!
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House: Let's not ruin a lovely night out by getting personal.
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House: You take a perverse pleasure in turning me down.
Dr. Cuddy: What I live for. Once in a while, though, try to ruin my day. Ask me something I can say "yes" to.
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Lola: Get another explanation.
House: Yeah, I have one in my other pants.
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House: Which brings me to my fourth reason.
Dr. Cuddy: I thought you said there were only three?
House: I thought you'd buy one of them.
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House: A very noble gesture. My favorite kind. Dramatic, yet completely empty.
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House: True love. That's just how we match organs these days. There's a couple in France--high school sweethearts. They're trading brains.