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Applicant 13: We could give her intravenous Vitamin D and stick her in a tanning booth. If she goes into a coma, we know it's a metabolic problem.
House: Nice. But Vitamin D is metabolized by the liver and kidneys. It wouldn't tell us which one is screwed up.
Applicant 6/9: We could get her wasted. Give her shots of tequila, measure how long it takes for her to pass out. If it's too fast, then we know her liver is not processing alcohol. It's a shot.
House: I like you, Number 9.
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Dr. Cuddy: From now on, everything you do gets charted. With pen. On paper. In a binder that says "Princeton Plainesboro Teaching Hospital" on the cover!
House: Moooooooommmm?!?
Dr. Cuddy: If you want to run something through the labs, I get a copy. If you do scans, I get a copy. If you think about doing scans, I get a copy!
House: You know my current thoughts, right? I don't have to put those on paper?
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(as two cute twins argue a diagnosis)
House: Stop it! This argument is distracting every male and lesbian here!
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House: And you didn't stop him. Means either you thought it was a chance worth taking, making you a hypocrite or you thought he would fail, making you a cutthroat little pixie.
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Dr. Cuddy: You bumped a splenectomy for a boob job?
House: Would you condemn this woman to a life where people look at her face when they talk to her?
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Dr. Cuddy: Who is she?
Henry: What did House tell you?
Dr. Cuddy: That she is on the run from an international crime syndicate.
Henry: That's what he told us.
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Dr. Wilson: Interesting. It wasn't Foreman or Cameron you "saw," but Chase, the one you fired.
House: Not interesting. Someone who looked like someone I used to know walked by my office.
Dr. Wilson: It's always interesting when repressed guilt starts unrepressing itself.
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Dr. Wilson: I wouldn't. Someone named "17" thinks there could be listeria in the cream cheese.
House: 17 is a stupid number.
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House: New patient. 30-year-old female with synesthesia. New rules. You generated a lab report, you shred it. X-ray, you melt it. No notes, no records, nothing. As far as you're concerned, the patient is Osama Bin Laden. And everyone not in this room is Delta Force. Any questions?
Applicant 11: We're protecting Osama Bin Laden?
House: It's a metaphor. Get used to it.
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Greta: I'm a Captain in the Air Force; about to start a new assignment. NASA's astronaut training program.
House: I discovered salt and created FM radio.
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House: You all have numbers, so we're gonna do this alphabetically!
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House: How old are you?
Henry: I'm 21... unless it's relevant.
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House: It's a myth that fake hooters blow up at a higher altitude. She'll be fine! Just think of it as one giant rack for mankind.
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House: Did you just see a blonde guy with a pretentious accent?
Amber: You can't see an accent.
House: Good point.
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House: Take a shot. I'm not going to fire you every time you give a wrong answer.
Applicant: Neville Chamberlain.
House: You're fired.
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Dr. Wilson: So, you want me to share the secret scanning techniques I learned in Nepal? Unfortunately, the monks made me swear a blood oath.
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House: Of course it's scientifically impossible for a person to go back and visit somewhere they've worked.
Dr. Wilson: No, but since she's not a dead cat, it's scientifically impossible for her to be in two places at once.
House: Physics joke. Don't hear enough of those.
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House: I scheduled a diagnostic patient for a boob job, which is ridiculous. So obviously, you had to confront me.
Dr. Cuddy: With you so far.
House: But I'm going to give you a reason.
Dr. Cuddy: Not a good one.
House: No. Not even close to a good one. But here's the drag from your point of view. My explanation will make sense. Not to the Board, not to a judge, but to you, so you'll let me do it. Then, you're going to have to sit next to me at the administrative hearing. Don't you have better things to do? It's in the best interests of the patient.
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House: I fired you.
Kutner: No you didn't
Amber: He fired you. You're number 6.
Kutner: No, I'm number 9.
House: I approve of your shamelessness. You're still fired.
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House: Rational arguments don't usually work on religious people. Otherwise there would be no religious people.
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Greta: I've fought for years to be taken seriously.
Taub: (proposing breast surgery) Trust me, you'll be taken more seriously.
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House: So, here we are, the big moment. Which of you gets to live to be abused another day, and which of you goes home and rationalizes being fired as character building.
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House: The rest of you, 8:00 a.m. sharp. I'll be in sometime between 10 and 3.
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Henry: So I'm playing this whole game to be like… your secretary.
House: Assistant sounds marginally less demeaning.
Henry: Not my dream job.
House: Actually it is. Just isn't your dream title.
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House: (to Cameron) The hair makes you look like a hooker. I like it.