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Caring Student: It's the patient's call.
Rebellious Student: The patient's an idiot.
House: They usually are.
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Stacy: God, you're an idiot.
House: I think I'm more of a jerk.
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House: The truth of the human condition is that everyone lies. The only variable is about what.
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House: So I should help (Stacy) because she hates me?
Dr. Wilson: She doesn't hate you. She loves you. She just... can't stand to be around you.
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Carmen Electra: Can I put my pants back on now?
House: I'd rather you didn't.
Caring Student: Which Carmen Electra is this?
House: The first one. The golfer.
Keen Student: Then why isn't she wearing pants?
(House just stares at him in disbelief)
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Stacy: (to House) I know you're not too busy. You avoid work like the plague. Unless it is the plague.
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Stacy: Did you think I wasn't going to get married?
House: Not to someone so poorly endowed. This guy's pancreas is pathetic.
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House: Three guys walk into a clinic. Their legs hurt. What's wrong with them?
(keen student raises his hand)
House: I am not going to like you, am I?
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House I'll do the lecture for four hours off clinic.
Dr. Cuddy: Two. I know you'd rather spend a couple of hours listening to yourself than listening to patients.
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House: (about a lecture) I'm not doing it. (leaves, then stops) You're supposed to stop me. Renegotiate.
Dr. Cuddy: Hmm, and you were supposed to keep on walking. Sorry, I guess we both screwed up. Go on, do it again.
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House: (to Keen Student) I saw the way you were looking at Carmen. She's mine, stay away.
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Stacy: You're in pain; you're not thinking clearly.
House: That's why I need the damn morphine!
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Chase: I don't care if he's scratching your nads off, don't let go.
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House: (describing a case) And C... (cut to a mini-golf course) ...we've got Carmen Electra. Golfing.
Keen: Whoa, you treated the Baywatch chick?
House: The Baywatch thespian. And no, I've gotta disguise the identity of each of the patients and I got tired of using the middle-aged man. Carmen seemed like a pleasant alternative. Also, she's apparently quite the golfer.
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House: How am I doing? Well, the last five years have been like⦠you ever see those "Girls Gone Wild" videos?
Stacy: Your life has been like that, or been spent watching them.
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House: I like my leg. I've had it for as long as I can remember.
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Dr. Cuddy: Dr. Riley is throwing up; he obviously can't lecture.
House: You witnessed the spew, or you just have his word for it? I think I'm coming down with a little bit of the clap. I may have to go home for a few days.
Dr. Cuddy: Dr. Riley doesn't have a history of lying.
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House: (walking away from the class) Can you still hear me?
Rebellious Student: No.
Caring Student: A little.
Keen Student: Not really.
House: If you can't hear me, how do you know what I asked?
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House: Why is it always me?
Cuddy: Because the world hates you. Or because it's a class of diagnostics. Pick whichever reason feeds your narcissism better.