House Season 3 Episode 16

House: Toss me your keys.
Dr. Wilson: Why?
House: Ever tried to ride a motorcycle with a distended bladder?

Dr. Cameron: Do you really care or are you just trying to waste hospital resources to get back at Cuddy for making you take the case?
House: Of course I care, what a horrible thing to say.

House: I haven't peed in three days!
Dr. Wilson: You'd be dead.
House: I'm not counting intermittent drips.
Wilson: You'd be in agony.
House: I passed agony yesterday around four.

Dr. Cuddy: How is he?
House: He's dead.
Dr. Cuddy: Oh God.
House: At least he will be in a few days.

John Kelley: Look, I don't care what you guys call it: Gulf War Syndrome, Iraq Fever, or just Crappy Sickness X. I just want someone to figure out what it is so you can cure it.

Dr. Foreman: Why'd you take this case?
House: 'Cause a good scientist continually questions his own theories and assumptions.
Dr. Cameron: Cuddy's making him.
House: Now, I'm making you.

Dr. Cuddy: Get over me.
House: Give me a break. You hired me...
Dr. Cuddy: 'Cause you're a good doctor who couldn't get himself hired at a blood bank, so I got you cheap.

House: No wonder I couldn't place his face--you were practically swallowing it on the dance floor.
Dr. Cuddy: I was not!
House: Talk about the cool uncle; he donates the money, and the nephew gets the write-off. Of course by "write-off", I mean he gets to put your ankles-
Dr. Cuddy: (poking him in the chest) This is exactly why I didn't mention our one date over two years ago!
House: Because of my t-shirt?
Dr. Cuddy: Because you are an obnoxious ass.

House: I've been thinking about you. You lied.
Dr. Cuddy: I didn't lie, I simply chose not to share completely irrelevant facts.
House: Like the fact that you lied.

Dr. Wilson: I'm guessing you're longing for either a renewed relationship with your dad or a new relationship with one of the Village People.
House: He was in the Navy, not the Marines.
Dr. Wilson: I thought your dad was in the Marines.
House: The guy in the Village People.
Dr. Wilson: Actually, he's only in the Navy when they sing "In the Navy."

House: And find out the truth about who he's been dating. No way a Marine goes a year without getting some blood on his bayonet.

House: He's not your patient.
Dr. Wilson: He is now. Go home and go to sleep. Maybe you'll dream the cure to late-stage brain cancer.

House: I can play the harmonica with my nose, make a penny come out of a child's ear, or any other orifice for that matter, and given the right circumstances can bring two women to simultaneous ecstasy.
Dr. Wilson: The right circumstances being their agreement to bill you on the same credit card.

Dr. Cameron: Were we walking you to the bathroom?
House: I wish. Wilson was just in there: these guys know what I'm talking about.

Dr. Foreman: House'd do Wilson before you do Chase.
Dr. Cameron: No. You would do House and Wilson before I do Chase. Now can we get back to work?
Dr. Chase: She did me once.
Dr. Foreman: She was stoned!

Dr. Cuddy: Did you just take two Vicodin?
House: No, it's an anti-depressant. I was told to take two every time you walked into the room.

House: There is no medicine like happiness. Except maybe laughter. Or rubber tubes shoved up your urethra.
Dr. Wilson: You cathed yourself?
House: It wasn't so bad after the first nine, ten inches.

House: Don't make this about me, this is your humiliation.

Dr. Cuddy: That ship sailed long ago, House. Get over it.
House: If you're still referring to your ass, I think "that supertanker sailed" would be a more precise metaphor.

Dr. Cuddy: You're supposed to be on clinic duty.
House: Like I can sleep down there with all the crying and coughing.

House: John, John! We're going to figure out what's wrong with you. First we just need to know one thing. Have you ever appeared in any pornos?