Top Secret

Season 3, Episode 16, Aired

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    • House: …find out every hospital and clinic he's ever visited, every city he's ever lived in and... whether he's ever been on TV. Dr. Cameron: TV? House: The problem could be neurological; everyone knows TV rots your brain.
    • House: Toss me your keys. Dr. Wilson: Why? House: Ever tried to ride a motorcycle with a distended bladder?
    • Dr. Cameron: Do you really care or are you just trying to waste hospital resources to get back at Cuddy for making you take the case? House: Of course I care, what a horrible thing to say.
    • House: I haven't peed in three days! Dr. Wilson: You'd be dead. House: I'm not counting intermittent drips. Wilson: You'd be in agony. House: I passed agony yesterday around four.
    • Dr. Cuddy: How is he? House: He's dead. Dr. Cuddy: Oh God. House: At least he will be in a few days.
    • John Kelley: Look, I don't care what you guys call it: Gulf War Syndrome, Iraq Fever, or just Crappy Sickness X. I just want someone to figure out what it is so you can cure it.
    • Dr. Foreman: Why'd you take this case? House: 'Cause a good scientist continually questions his own theories and assumptions. Dr. Cameron: Cuddy's making him. House: Now, I'm making you.
    • Dr. Cuddy: Get over me. House: Give me a break. You hired me... Dr. Cuddy: 'Cause you're a good doctor who couldn't get himself hired at a blood bank, so I got you cheap.
    • House: No wonder I couldn't place his face--you were practically swallowing it on the dance floor. Dr. Cuddy: I was not! House: Talk about the cool uncle; he donates the money, and the nephew gets the write-off. Of course by "write-off", I mean he gets to put your ankles- Dr. Cuddy: (poking him in the chest) This is exactly why I didn't mention our one date over two years ago! House: Because of my t-shirt? Dr. Cuddy: Because you are an obnoxious ass.
    • House: I've been thinking about you. You lied. Dr. Cuddy: I didn't lie, I simply chose not to share completely irrelevant facts. House: Like the fact that you lied.
    • Dr. Wilson: I'm guessing you're longing for either a renewed relationship with your dad or a new relationship with one of the Village People. House: He was in the Navy, not the Marines. Dr. Wilson: I thought your dad was in the Marines. House: The guy in the Village People. Dr. Wilson: Actually, he's only in the Navy when they sing "In the Navy."
    • House: And find out the truth about who he's been dating. No way a Marine goes a year without getting some blood on his bayonet.
    • House: He's not your patient. Dr. Wilson: He is now. Go home and go to sleep. Maybe you'll dream the cure to late-stage brain cancer.
    • House: I can play the harmonica with my nose, make a penny come out of a child's ear, or any other orifice for that matter, and given the right circumstances can bring two women to simultaneous ecstasy. Dr. Wilson: The right circumstances being their agreement to bill you on the same credit card.
    • Dr. Cameron: Were we walking you to the bathroom? House: I wish. Wilson was just in there: these guys know what I'm talking about.
    • Dr. Foreman: House'd do Wilson before you do Chase. Dr. Cameron: No. You would do House and Wilson before I do Chase. Now can we get back to work? Dr. Chase: She did me once. Dr. Foreman: She was stoned!
    • Dr. Cuddy: Did you just take two Vicodin? House: No, it's an anti-depressant. I was told to take two every time you walked into the room.
    • House: There is no medicine like happiness. Except maybe laughter. Or rubber tubes shoved up your urethra. Dr. Wilson: You cathed yourself? House: It wasn't so bad after the first nine, ten inches.
    • House: Don't make this about me, this is your humiliation.
    • Dr. Cuddy: That ship sailed long ago, House. Get over it. House: If you're still referring to your ass, I think "that supertanker sailed" would be a more precise metaphor.
    • Dr. Cuddy: You're supposed to be on clinic duty. House: Like I can sleep down there with all the crying and coughing.
    • House: John, John! We're going to figure out what's wrong with you. First we just need to know one thing. Have you ever appeared in any pornos?
    • House: I've got a full bladder, and I'm not afraid to use it.

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    • International Air Dates: The Netherlands: September 27, 2007 on SBS6 Greece: January 5, 2008 on Star Channel The Czech Republic: March 10, 2008 on TV Nova Germany: March 11, 2008 on RTL Sweden: October 14, 2008 on TV4 Belgium: October 19, 2008 on 2BE
    • Music: "Get Down Tonight" by K.C. & The Sunshine Band, "Dimension" by Wolfmother, and "Superfly" by Curtis Mayfield.

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