House Season 2 Episode 23

House: Here is how to become a great artist: First, get miserable. Misery drives you to become a great artist, but the art does nothing for your misery, which drives you to drugs, which makes you a lousy artist!

Dr. Wilson: I find it very comforting, you defending a man you haven't seen in years--to know my friend, no matter what, will always be my champion, my protector.
House: I'm not protecting him, I'm smacking her.
Dr. Wilson: The modesty of a true hero!
House: Push me and I'll let her die, just so you'll stop annoying me.

House: How does somebody who believes absolutely anything become a non-fiction writer?

Crandall: And I'm her father.
House: Hmm. Yeah, she looks just like you. Got the same ' fro.
Crandall: I wrote a book about Baker. Hung out with him. And his daughter.
House: That is how babies are made.

Dr. Cuddy: The guy who brought the girl in, says he knows you. I thought I knew all your friend.

House: Do I know you?
Crandall: C'mon, it's me, Crandall.
House: Doesn't ring a bell.
Crandall: I can't believe...
House: Unless you mean Dylan Crandall, the man who'll believe anything. Because I just made you believe...

Dr. Cameron: I can handle a simple consent form.
House: Okay, I'll be Crandall. "Dr. Cameron…"
Dr. Foreman: House, from what you say this guy will trust you…
House: Are you in this scene? Go.
Dr. Cameron: I need to talk to you about a procedure we'd like to do on Leona.
House: "Like to do"? Is this fun for you?
Dr. Cameron: He's not you—he's not going to mock me.
House: Stay in character. "I'm so scared—hold me."

House: Donor 1284 likes square dancing. No one likes square dancing.

Dr. Cuddy: You didn't tell anyone else what I'm doing?
House: Not a soul.
Dr. Cuddy: Wilson? Cameron? Maybe you mentioned it to her.
House: No, I'm really a good secret-keeper. Never told anyone that Wilson wets his bed. Oh, you tricked me.

Dr. Wilson: You didn't run the test?
House: Said I wouldn't.
Dr. Wilson: Okay, so either you lied, or he has pictures of you being nice.

Dr. Cameron: She's a Katrina victim.
House: She's better than Crandall – he's a Katrina victim victim.

House: Pretentiousness is hereditary. Just because they haven't found the gene yet...

Crandall: If our friendship means anything to you…
House: Come on, do you know me at all?

House: Don't try to talk. You've got a big medical thing in your mouth.

House: That black ooze we saw - that was a bowel movement. Out of her mouth.
Wilson: (eating his chicken mole) You're trying to end this conversation by grossing me out? I'm an oncologist. Half my patients have their skin sloughing off.

House: So, what is she, Foreman? A light-skinned black chick or dark-skinned white chick?

Crandall: Heard about your leg.
House: Yeah, pulled my hamstring playing Twister. Just gonna walk it off.

House: (on answering machine) You've reached a number that has been disconnected and is no longer in service. If you feel you have reached this recording in error, go with it, hang up, on three. One, two...*beep*
Cuddy: House, pick up. I know it's your day off. And you've no doubt got lots of exciting plans, but I've got a case.

Cuddy: Need you. Now.
House: (in a deep voice) Yes, Mistress.