Voice of Ted, 2030
Barney: It's like Gandhi said: "Smile don't cost nothin', sugar!"
Ted: I'm not sure you know who Gandhi is.
Ted: I see what's going on. You, my friend, are suffering from a little known condition—"little known" because I just made it up—called New Relationship Smugness.
Lily: I teach kindergarten! I am molding the minds of the leaders of tomorrow!
Marshall: You eat cookies and glue stuff!
Ted: You can't be serious! Listening to Barney is what got you in trouble with Lily in the first place!
Marshall: No! Those dishes are my manhood, and if I want to leave my manhood in the sink caked with ketchup and pasta—
Barney: What are you eating?
Marshall: I'll wash my manhood when I'm good and ready!
Ted: I know for a fact that Robin hates nicknames. (flashback to 2006)
Ted: Thanks, Robzie-Wobzie.
Robin: Yeah, I don't do nicknames.
Ted: Finished with the sports section, Scherbs?
Robin: Seriously, stop.
Ted: Hey, Robin, it's T-Moz.
Robin: Yeah, I don't like nicknames on you, either. (back to present)
Marshall: Well, she obviously likes them now. And come on, someone had to put an end to T-Moz.
Ted: No, T-Moz was awesome. I'm thinking about bringing it back.
Marshall: I don't care if the dishes are done! If you care, YOU do it!
Lily: Well, I don't care if you have an orgasm! If you care, YOU do it!
Marshall: I went eighteen years without the touch of a woman, I can do it again!
Lily: You might have to!
Robin: (about the bagpipers) They're old?
Ted: Really old.
Robin: So what did you do?
Ted: I didn't have the heart to tell them to stop because, well, good for them. So I just welcomed them to the building, had some hard candy, nodded politely at some racist comments, and then left.
Ted: So, anytime you think you might have a fight, you just get up and leave?
Barney: 100% effective. Can't fight if you're not there. That's what Gandhi taught us.
Ted: Boy, that's not true.
Barney: Well, now, I am the best at relationships. Even better than you and Lily.
Marshall: Whoa, look at you. Had a girlfriend for five minutes and you could play with the big boys. Adorable. Son, I've been in a relationship since you had a ponytail while you were still playing Dave Matthews Band on yo mama's Casio. I'm a good boyfriend in my sleep. I can rock a killer rub with my hand and brew a kick-ass pot of chamomile that will make you weep. Hell, I've forgotten more about baking microwave and fat-free popcorn and watching Sandra Bullock movies than you'll ever know, but... thanks for your concern, rook'.
Barney: Okay, we all have our assignments for the weekend. Ted, you're gonna stand up to your neighbors. Marshall, you're going to stand up to Lily. And Robin, I'm gonna need you in some sort of a crouching position in the bear-skinned rug of our skiing chalet. Ready? Great!!
The Italian episode title is "La cornamusa", an exact translation.
International Airdates: Australia: March 18, 2010 on Channel 7; United Kingdom: July 1, 2010 on E4; India: October 6, 2010 on Star World; Czech Republic: December 13, 2010 on Prima COOL; Germany: January 19, 2011 on ProSieben; Slovakia: November 18, 2011 on JOJ Plus
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