How I Met Your Mother

Ted: I see what's going on. You, my friend, are suffering from a little known condition—"little known" because I just made it up—called New Relationship Smugness.

Lily: I teach kindergarten! I am molding the minds of the leaders of tomorrow!
Marshall: You eat cookies and glue stuff!

Ted: You can't be serious! Listening to Barney is what got you in trouble with Lily in the first place! Marshall: No! Those dishes are my manhood, and if I want to leave my manhood in the sink caked with ketchup and pasta— Barney: What are you eating? Marshall: I'll wash my manhood when I'm good and ready!

Ted: I know for a fact that Robin hates nicknames. (flashback to 2006) Ted: Thanks, Robzie-Wobzie. Robin: Yeah, I don't do nicknames. Ted: Finished with the sports section, Scherbs? Robin: Seriously, stop. Ted: Hey, Robin, it's T-Moz. Robin: Yeah, I don't like nicknames on you, either. (back to present) Marshall: Well, she obviously likes them now. And come on, someone had to put an end to T-Moz. Ted: No, T-Moz was awesome. I'm thinking about bringing it back.

Marshall: I don't care if the dishes are done! If you care, YOU do it! Lily: Well, I don't care if you have an orgasm! If you care, YOU do it! Marshall: I went eighteen years without the touch of a woman, I can do it again! Lily: You might have to!

Robin: (about the bagpipers) They're old? Ted: Really old. Robin: So what did you do? Ted: I didn't have the heart to tell them to stop because, well, good for them. So I just welcomed them to the building, had some hard candy, nodded politely at some racist comments, and then left.

Ted: So, anytime you think you might have a fight, you just get up and leave? Barney: 100% effective. Can't fight if you're not there. That's what Gandhi taught us. Ted: Boy, that's not true.

Barney: Well, now, I am the best at relationships. Even better than you and Lily. Marshall: Whoa, look at you. Had a girlfriend for five minutes and you could play with the big boys. Adorable. Son, I've been in a relationship since you had a ponytail while you were still playing Dave Matthews Band on yo mama's Casio. I'm a good boyfriend in my sleep. I can rock a killer rub with my hand and brew a kick-ass pot of chamomile that will make you weep. Hell, I've forgotten more about baking microwave and fat-free popcorn and watching Sandra Bullock movies than you'll ever know, but... thanks for your concern, rook'.