How I Met Your Mother Season 1 Episode 9

Robin: Have you met Ted?
Ted: I am the aforementioned Ted.
Amanda: Cool, so what do you do around here?
Ted: Well... I... uh... I do nothing, absolutely nothing.
Amanda: Well, I think I can find something for you and your girlfriend to do.
Ted: Oh, she's not my girlfriend.
Robin: I'm his ex-girlfriend. I just wasn't enough woman for him. Emotionally... or sexually. [goes up behind Amanda] Oh... my... God.

Barney: Okay, Ted. I found a way for you to help someone, to do some good. This is Walter. Walter is homeless. And Walter would like a lap dance.
Ted: Are you joking?
Barney: I never joke about the sublime art of burlesque entertainment.

[about having to do community service after being caught urinating in public] Barney: I was unfairly punished because the wall belonged to the judge's church. Ted: You peed on a church? Barney: I peed in an alley which happened to have a church which I did not see, because I was drunk! Ted: [happily] You *are* evil! Robin: All is right with the world again.

Barney: I've done so much good today, I've got, like, a 'soul boner.'

Robin: I am Canadian. Remember? We celebrate Thanksgiving in October.
Ted: Oh, right, I forgot. You guys are weird, and you pronounce the word out, 'oot'.
Robin: You guys are the world's leader in hand gun violence, your health care system is bankrupt, and your country is deeply divided on almost every important issue.
Ted: (pause) Your cops are called mounties.

Barney: Helping people less fortunate than me is the greatest pleasure in the world.
Robin: Yesterday you said the greatest pleasure in the world was having your toes sucked. Then you asked for a high five . . . from your foot.

(At homeless shelter)
Ted: What are you doing here?
Barney: The Lord's work.
Ted: But you're Satan!