How I Met Your Mother Season 2 Episode 11

Barney: Too weak, to hold bowl.
Robin: Find I'll feed you.
(Robin feeds Barney some soup)
Barney: Ouchie in my mouth.
Robin blows on soup to feed barney again
Barney: I don't want it, I want ice cream.
Robin: No you're not having ice cream for dinner just cause your sick.
Barney: But my throat hurts.
Robin: No!
Barney: I hate you!
Robin: Oh.
(Robin prepares to leave)
Barney: Don't leave me.

Ted: I promise I will never call you a... you know, ever again.
Lily: It's okay. I was kind of a Grinch!
Boy: What's a Grinch?
Lily: Umm... it's a word you shouldn't say!
Boy: Mom, what's a Grinch?
[Stacy spits out her drink in horror]
Kids: (Chanting) Grinch! Grinch! Grinch!
Ted: Uhh, Merry Christmas!
(Running out with his friends)
Ted: Let's get out of here!

Ted: She took the decorations? That Grinch!
Older Ted: That time I really did say Grinch.

Barney: [Sick in bed] This is a low point for the Barnacle. I should be out playing laser tag, being awesome. Don't look at me, I'm hideous!
Robin: Oh, come on. You look like a regular guy.
Barney: Exactly. I'm a Ted. Look at me, I'm wearing elastic waistband fleece pants.
Robin: But they're comfy, right?
Barney: [Weakly and ashamed] Yes...

Marshall: (over the phone) Oh, wait! Ted, Ted, Ted, Ted, one more thing: how 'bout the cookies? Are they delicious?
(pause, as Ted recalls:)
Robin: (screaming, as smoke bellows out of the oven and she unloads a fire extinguisher at the inferno) AAAHHHHHHHH! HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!
(back to the present)
Ted: You know, honestly, they taste a little store-bought.

Ted: C'mon, Lily, we're supposed to be friends!
Lily: Yeah, some "friend!" You called me a Grinch!
Ted: You were a Grinch!
Lily: (stunned) How can you s--
Ted: Grrrinchy, Grrrrinch, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch, Grrrrrrrinch, Grinch, Grrrrinch!
(Suddenly, the whole apartment blacks out)
Lily: Happy? Now you've pissed off the big guy upstairs!
Ted: Yeah, I'm sure God cares if I--
Voice from above: You use that language again, and I'll turn off your water!
Lily: That's my super. He lives above me.

Barney: (increasingly feeble; clearly sick) In two minutes... I'm gonna pound a sixer of Red Bull... hop in a cab... play a couple hours of Laser Tag, maybe... get a spray-on tan... it's gonna be LEGEN-- wait for it--...(snores)

Marshall: When you walk through the door, does it feel like you are being slapped in the face by Christmas?

Barney: Christmas is a time when people are lonely and desperate, it's the most wonderful time of the year.

Barney: Ted Vivian Mosby!
Ted: That's not my middle name..
Barney: You kiss your mother with that mouth?
Ted: Like you've never said that word?
Barney: I don't kiss your mother with my mouth, yet...

(Lily has just heard a message from Ted to Marshall where he calls her something very very bad.)
Lily: I'm a what?
Ted: That was Barney...
Lily: That was you, Ted!
Ted: That was Marshall...
Lily: Marshall left a message for Marshall?

Ted and Lily listens to an old message on the answering machine
Ted: Hey Marshall! Are you lying on the couch right now moping about Lily? You are, aren't you? Stop it! She's not worth it, you gotta get over that grinch!
Old Ted: But I didn't say grinch.. I said a bad word, a very very bad word.
Ted: Oh fudge..
Old Ted: But I didn't say fudge..

Marshall: Okay, I'll be back here at five, save me at least 20 cookies and do not clean the bowl!!

Ted (To his nephews): Alright, don't tell your mom, but I got you guys some presents.
Nephew: Like the gift of God's love?
Ted: No, dude. Real presents.
Nephew (To his mom): Uncle Ted got us presents!
Stacy: That's okay. Ted, we'll just give them to charity.
Niece: Yay!
Stacy: Not you Charity. I meant the less fortunate.

Robin: You're spending Christmas Eve with your family? Baby, that sucks I'm so sorry.
Ted: Oh, they're fine, they're just...they're a little weird. You know they don't believe in gifts or Christmas trees? And they think Santa's how Satan spells his name when he wants to trick us.

Barney: (after blowing his nose) My nose was just overflowing with awesome and I had to get some of it out!

Barney: Oh Robin, my simple friend from the untamed north. Let me tell you about a little thing I like to call mind over body. You see whenever I start feeling sick, I just stop feeling sick, and be awesome instead. True story.

Robin (to Barney on fire escape): Barney! What the hell are you doing? Get in here. It's freezing outside. Are you insane?
Barney: Hey, blame Lily and her oppressive, no cigars in the apartment rule! God, it's like Marshall's marrying the Taliban.