How I Met Your Mother

Robin: I know your new place has had some problems with the slanted floor and the sewage treatment plant nearby, but you're going to turn it into a great home. Tell him, Lily. Lily: It's a black hole where dreams go to die. I'm not moving, either!

Ted: My James Bond movies. Remember we watched them all in order and Lily spoke in that weird British accent for, like, a month? Lily: (British accent) It was sophisticated.

"Old" Barney: In a few minutes, the young me from your time is going to come through that door. Now, Cindy, I know this sounds insane, but in order to save the planet, you need to sleep with him tonight. Cindy: What? I... "Old" Barney: Sleep with Barney Stinson tonight, in whatever way he wants it, or he won't be able to find the solution to global warming that saves the human race.

Robin: I'm moving to Japan. It took me a half hour to pack. Lily: A half hour? Robin: Well, it would have taken me 20 minutes, but a friend called me in tears.

Robin: Stella's not gonna let you keep half of this junk. Ted: Why wouldn't she? Lily: Oh, Ted, oh, sweetie. Okay, here's the thing that guys only learn after they move in with a woman. All of your stuff is stupid.

(at Marshall's Cat in the Hat hat intervention) Robin: Dear Marshall, I do not like that stupid hat. I want to beat it... with a bat. Or maybe stab it with a fork. It makes you look like such a dork.

Lily: (with English accent) Cor blimey. This is a nice bloody surprise. What's this about, then? Ted: Lily, it's about the weird fake English accent. Lily: (with English accent) Bollocks.

Ted: (about planned intervention for him) What was it for? The Crocs? The hair product? Marshall: Not Stella. Ted: Oh, my God, this was about Stella. Marshall: I just said, "not Stella," so maybe it was about your poor listening skills, Ted. Ted: What? Marshall: It's out of control, see?

Ted: Lily, come on, let's hear yours. Lily: "Gilbert's reading skills have improved drastically since..." Wait, this is a letter I meant to send home with one of my kindergarteners. (cut to other apartment) Gilbert's mother: Gilbert, are things moving too fast between you and a girl named Stella? Gilbert: I wish.

Ted: Robin, could I hear yours? Robin: "Dear Ted, it's 'encyclo-pee-dia', not 'encyclo-pay-dia'. Why do you always say things in the most pretentious way possible? It makes you sound douchey—and that's 'douch-ey', not 'douch-ay'." Ted: Yeah, you already read that one at my Pronunciation intervention. Where's the letter about Stella? Robin: I didn't write one. I'm your ex-girlfriend. I figured anything I said on the subject would sound catty. Plus, I'm hotter than her, so who cares?

Robin: Barney, this is an intervention. "Old" Barney: I'm sorry, I can't hear you. Marshall: Enough with the "old man" bit. "Old" Barney: What about the old sand pit? Lily: Let it go. "Old" Barney: "Let It Snow"? I love that old ditty! Ted: I'm getting my flail. "Old" Barney: You're setting sail?

Barney: (reading his letter) "Ted, I cannot stand idly by…" Ted: You've just been carrying that around with you? Barney: Please, Ted. (resumes reading) "Ted, I cannot stand idly by while you make the biggest mistake any man can make: getting married. Mark my words, this whole thing is going to go up in flames!" (his letter burns up) Oh, I did the flames cue too early! The point is, Ted, marriage is stupid! Every year there are a million new, hot, 22-year-olds walking into bars, and call me 'glass-half-full,' but I think they're getting dumber.

(Robin's drunk, acting 'Super-Canadian,' and holding a hockey stick) Lily: Alright, Robin, give me the stick. Robin: I'll give you summer teeth—some are here, some are there.

Old Barney: Now, listen to me, Cindy. I am Barney Stinson, and I am on an urgent mission from the future. Cindy: From the future? Old Barney: The future. And I can prove it to you. In exactly four seconds, the woman at that booth is going to slap that man, Urg-Ummm. (Robin slaps Ted) Ted: Ow, what the hell?

Girl at bar: How old are you? "Old" Barney: 83, how old are you? Girl at bar: 31. "Old" Barney: Ugh. (walks away)