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Voice of Ted, 2030
The man that plays Vampire Lou guest stars in a later episode, "Come On", as a weatherman.
Barney: You should bring an escort.
Ted: An escort? Like a prostitute?
Barney: Yeah, why not?
Ted: Because... gross?
Ted: Look, I shouldn't go.
Marshall: You should definitely go, look, it's a chance to show her you are still friends and that you support her.
Barney: Or it's a chance to mess with her head by showing up with someone hotter, or even better, triple threat, hotter and bigger boobs!
Ted: That's only two.
Barney: Count again!
Barney: (To Ted) Do you have some puritanical hang up on prostitution? Dude, it's the world's oldest profession.
Marshall: You really think that's true?
Barney: Oh yea, I bet even Cro-Magnons used to give cave hookers, like, an extra fish for putting out.
Marshall: Ah ha, so the oldest profession would be fishermen. Kaboom! You've been lawyered!
Barney: That's adorable Ted. You're such a hayseed. The companionship business is the growth industry of the 21st century. You do realize that 1 out of every 8 adult women in America is a prostitute.
Marshall: Dude you just made that up.
Barney: I've got the next best thing, Mary. She's smart, she's hot, she's totally cool.
Ted: No, she sounds great. Who knows, maybe we can fall in love and get married if we get a blessing from her pimp.
Barney: Let's get you a hooker! It'll be fun!
Ted: To bring to the banquet ironically, or to have sex with?
Ted: I should just skip this thing entirely. Robin is still pissed at me after, you know.
Barney: You lied and said you were broken up with Victoria before you actually were, so you could try and nail Robin and you end up loosing both girls in one night.
Ted: Yes, that's what I meant by "you know".
Barney: Good day! (leaving)
Ted: (as Barney stands there, Ted starts laughing) You're just waiting for me to say something so you can interrupt.
Barney: (As he stomps out, screaming) I SAID GOOD DAY!
Ted: So Sandy, what do you do? Oh, wait, I know what you do. You're the guy who reads the paper in the morning.
Sandy Rivers: You got me. What do you do, Ted?
Ted: Oh same thing as you. I read the paper every morning. But then after that, I finish my coffee and go to my real job as an architect, where I make an actual contribution to the world. (laughs) I'm just kidding. Love your show. You're terrific.
Sandy Rivers: Thanks. I never tire of hearing that.
Ted: You know Mary, I've, ah, never done this before.
Mary: Done what?
Ted: You know. Been "on a date."
Mary: Right... Wait, you're kidding right?
Ted: No. Why? Is that so odd?
Mary: Well, Ted, I mean, I've been going on dates since I was 15.
Ted: God you were just a kid. Well, look. Let's just have a few drinks. We'll relax.
Mary: Yeah, that sounds great. I had clients riding me all day long.
Ted: Must be tough.
Mary: Yeah, I mean, this one guy just wouldn't leave me alone. I mean, talk about anal.
Barney: Do it! Come on Ted, do it! It's one of those things you have to do before you turn 30.
Ted: What? Sleep with a prostitute?
Barney: No, lose your virginity! What Up!
Ted: I feel like Richard Gere.
Mary: You're not shy about your looks, are you?
Lily: You know, Barney, for anyone else, this would be a new low but sadly for you, it's just a new middle.
Robin: Hey. Mary seems nice. Have you kissed her yet? Or are you waiting until you are in a serious relationship with someone else?
Mary: (Whispering to Ted) You know that scene in Empire when they lower that helmet onto Darth Vader's head? (Pointing at Sandy Rivers) Do you think that is how Sandy puts his hair on in the morning? (laughs)
Ted: You just insulted someone I hate by referencing something that I love. Damn you just got even hotter.
Robin: Mary, Ted is a great guy. You hold on to him, don't let him out of your sights. (Sarcastically then adds) For a minute.
Barney: Dude your views on professional fornicators are harshing my mellow.
Mary: Lily, you ok?
Lily: Yea, I'm just tired, and when I get tired, I get cranky.
Sandy Rivers: Really? I can't imagine you cranky.
Lily: (Imitating Sandy) Really? I couldn't imagine you cranky!
Mary: Why are you so tired?
Lily: Well, I teach kindergarten and the school board took away my naptime. (Her voice trails off) The kids naptime.
Marshall: (Thinking) Lily, I know you're asleep but I have to tell somebody this and we tell each other everything. So, here goes; Mary's not a paralegal. She's a prostitute.
Lily: (Wakes up) Mary's a prostitute?!
Robin: What's going on with Ted lately? Is he having a nervous breakdown?
Lily: You know Barney, for anybody else this would be a new low, but sadly for you, it's just a new middle. Oh my god, I used her lipstick! (Wipes her face)
Marshall: That's her napkin.
Barney: Well, I guess now's as good a time as any. In keeping with tonight's award show motif, I'd like to announce this evening's big twist ending! Vampire Lou, would you do the honors!
Vampire Lou: (Reads a card) Mary's not a prostitute!
Barney: That's all, Vampire Lou. Nicely done.
Marshall: So she's not...
Barney: Nope! Mary's just a paralegal who lives in my building. Oh, and here's the best part! She has no idea Ted thinks she's a hooker. (Laughs, everyone stares at him) Come on, guys. If you don't laugh, it just seems mean.
Ted: It's getting late, I should get back to my room.
Barney: Your room?
Ted: Yeah, that really expensive hotel room you put on your credit card? Never checked out. By the way you know what's super fun? Pouring Dom Perignon down the bathtub drain. It's almost time for my massage. Tootles! (Leaves)
Marshall: Come on. If you don't laugh, it just seems mean.
The German episode title is "Eine nette Nutte", meaning "A Nice Prostitute". The French title is "La Jalousie a un prix", meaning "Jealousy Has a Price". The Italian title is "Prestazioni a pagamento", meaning "Performance Fee".
International Airdates: Czech Republic: December 29, 2009 on Prima COOL
Barney borrows Fez's routine from That 70's Show who would often get frustrated and say "Good day!... I said good day!" Before either storming off or expecting someone to leave.
Marshall and Ted use paper cutouts to make Sandy Rivers look like "Yosemite Sandy" during his morning TV show, a play on the Warner Brothers' Looney Tunes cartoon character Yosemite Sam.
Mary the Paralegal says she works at the law firm "Douglas, O'Halloran and Stamp." These are the last names (Sarah Douglas, Jack O'Halloran, Terence Stamp) of the actors playing the three Kryptonian villains in Superman and Superman II.
Sandy's reading of the headlines is a thinly veiled parody of NY1's same feature, called "In The Papers" with Pat Kiernan.
Ted: I feel like Richard Gere.
This is a reference to the film Pretty Woman from 1990, where the character of Richard Gere dates a prostitute.
Robin calls Ted's paralegal date, "Paralegally Blonde," a reference to the movie Legally Blonde.
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