How I Met Your Mother

Ted: So Sandy, what do you do? Oh, wait, I know what you do. You're the guy who reads the paper in the morning. Sandy Rivers: You got me. What do you do, Ted? Ted: Oh same thing as you. I read the paper every morning. But then after that, I finish my coffee and go to my real job as an architect, where I make an actual contribution to the world. (laughs) I'm just kidding. Love your show. You're terrific. Sandy Rivers: Thanks. I never tire of hearing that.

Ted: You know Mary, I've, ah, never done this before. Mary: Done what? Ted: You know. Been "on a date." Mary: Right... Wait, you're kidding right? Ted: No. Why? Is that so odd? Mary: Well, Ted, I mean, I've been going on dates since I was 15. Ted: God you were just a kid. Well, look. Let's just have a few drinks. We'll relax. Mary: Yeah, that sounds great. I had clients riding me all day long. Ted: Must be tough. Mary: Yeah, I mean, this one guy just wouldn't leave me alone. I mean, talk about anal.

Barney: Do it! Come on Ted, do it! It's one of those things you have to do before you turn 30. Ted: What? Sleep with a prostitute? Barney: No, lose your virginity! What Up!

Ted: I feel like Richard Gere. Mary: You're not shy about your looks, are you?

Lily: You know, Barney, for anyone else, this would be a new low but sadly for you, it's just a new middle.

Barney: That's adorable Ted. You're such a hayseed. The companionship business is the growth industry of the 21st century. You do realize that 1 out of every 8 adult women in America is a prostitute. Marshall: Dude you just made that up. Barney: Withdrawn. Marshall: Lawyered! (Barney growls)

Ted: Hey. Robin: Hey. Mary seems nice. Have you kissed her yet? Or are you waiting until you are in a serious relationship with someone else?

Mary: (Whispering to Ted) You know that scene in Empire when they lower that helmet onto Darth Vader's head? (Pointing at Sandy Rivers) Do you think that is how Sandy puts his hair on in the morning? (laughs) Ted: You just insulted someone I hate by referencing something that I love. Damn you just got even hotter.

Robin: Mary, Ted is a great guy. You hold on to him, don't let him out of your sights. (Sarcastically then adds) For a minute.

Mary: Lily, you ok? Lily: Yea, I'm just tired, and when I get tired, I get cranky. Sandy Rivers: Really? I can't imagine you cranky. Lily: (Imitating Sandy) Really? I couldn't imagine you cranky! Mary: Why are you so tired? Lily: Well, I teach kindergarten and the school board took away my naptime. (Her voice trails off) The kids naptime.

Barney: Dude your views on professional fornicators are harshing my mellow.

Barney: Good day! (leaving) Ted: (as Barney stands there, Ted starts laughing) You're just waiting for me to say something so you can interrupt. Barney: (As he stomps out, screaming) I SAID GOOD DAY!

Barney: (To Ted) Do you have some puritanical hang up on prostitution? Dude, it's the world's oldest profession. Marshall: You really think that's true? Barney: Oh yea, I bet even Cro-Magnons used to give cave hookers, like, an extra fish for putting out. Marshall: Ah ha, so the oldest profession would be fishermen. Kaboom! You've been lawyered!