How I Met Your Mother

Ellen: All finished, gentlemen? Congratulations, you have just taken your very first step. Barney: Gosh, thanks, Ellen. I sure hope this works. I'm so done with the single life, all the games, the meaningless sex. Ellen: You deserve more. Barney: That is so true, Ellen. I really think I'm ready to stop being a 'me' and start being a 'we'. Hey, is there anyway I can let it be known that I love cuddling? Ellen: Oh, of course you can. That is so... Barney: It's kinda hard to talk about with Ted here, but I just want someone who's not afraid to hold me at night when the tears come. Ellen, can you help me find her? Ellen: Get out.

Lily: OK, it's back and this time we got a good look. (sits by Barney and takes his drink) Barney: Hey, seriously, you have to stop doing that. Marshall: It's bigger now. It's been feeding.

Ellen: How do I say this? This is gonna be really hard. Ted, there are absolutely no women out there for you. Phew, actually I got through that OK.

Ellen: How do you think I feel? I have a 100% success rate. It's my hook. I could probably find somebody for you if you were gay. Ted: Well, I'm not. Ellen: A little bi maybe?

Lily: He's a whole new species. The cockamouse. Marshall: And it's the size of a potato. Robin: So, what, now it's a cockapotatomouse? Marshall: Don't make it sound ridiculous. It's a cockamouse.

Ted: My God, this is incredible. We're like the same person. Sarah O'Brien loves brunch. She wants to have two children. Her guilty pleasure song is "Summer Breeze" by Seals and Croft. Barney: Wow, Ted, sounds like you're her perfect woman.

Marshall: For as much as we know about the cockamousse, there are still so much we don't know. Robin: Well, we know that there's no such thing as a cockamouse. What we don't know is what you guys have been smoking.

Ted: OK, this is getting weird, the similarities go on and on. She hates phonies. I totally hate phonies too. She's a dermatologist. I have skin. Barney: You wanna be her boyfriend. She already has a boyfriend. It's uncanny.

Sarah: Hi, I'm Dr. O'Brien. Ted: I'm Architect Mosby. Sorry, I just wanted to say my job, too.

Ted: Hey, this may sound weird but it'll definitely sound more weird once my shirt's off so I'm gonna ask you now. Do you wanna have dinner with me Saturday night? Sarah: Oh, that's very sweet, but I'm actually getting married on Saturday. Ted: Friday night?

Marshall: Yeah, look around. The universe is mysterious and awesome. You got the Bermuda triangle, ghosts, Big Foot. Robin: Bad maps. Creaky houses. Hillbilly in a gorilla suit. Marshall: Aliens. (Robin shakes her head) Oh, come one, you gotta give me aliens. Stonehenge. Area 51. There's alien crap all over the place. Robin: You can't be serious. Marshall: My friend, you just poked the bear.

Lily: Holy crap. We got it! What do we do with it? Marshall: Calm down, I have a plan. I told my friend, Sudeep, about it. He wants to show it to the Columbia biology department. But it has to be alive. Lily: Wait, no, no. They'll do lab experiments on it. That's so mean. Shouldn't we just beat it to death with a bat?

Ted: Look, don't you think you're being a little impulsive marrying a guy you just met a few months ago? Sarah: Don't you think it's a little impulsive for you to proposition an engaged woman you don't even know? Ted: See, we're both impulsive. We're perfect for each other.

Sarah: Ted, just calm down. Ted: Calm down! You're my only match! There was a computer and there were 8 fish in the sea full of lesbians.

Robin: Oh my God. It's real. Lily: Oh, is it? Do something. (Robin throws drink at the cockamouse) What the hell was that? You're trying to get it drunk?

Marshall: Lily, I love you. (grabs cockamouse and run towards window) Robin, open the window! (throws cockamouse out the window) Robin: It can fly. Lily, Marshall: Wow. Marshall: Be free, mutant beast. I'll miss this private war of ours. I grew to admire your tenacious...Oh my God, it's headed this way.

Robin: Well, I believe that you saw something perfectly normal, but you've exaggerated it in your mind; you know, um, like the Loch Ness Monster. Marshall: If by "like the Loch Ness Monster," you mean "totally exists and is awesome," then, yeah, it's like the Loch Ness Monster.

Ted (enters the Love Solutions office to find his match-maker Ellen hunched over and despondent; she has failed to match him with the woman of his dreams in 3 days as she promised): Hi, Ellen! I think I want my money back! Ellen Pierce: I'm a failure! I'm all washed up! I tried everything, Ted! I widened the search parameters. I tweaked the program! Last night I stood out on the street for 5 hours showing your photo to random pedestrians. No takers! Although this transvestite hooker said he/she would do you for half-price because you look like John Cusack and his/her favorite movie is 'Say anything.' (She breaks into tears. Ted sees an ice cream carton on the desk in front of Ellen) Ted: Come on, Ellen! A pint of ice cream? Isn't that a bit of a cliche? Ellen Pierce: It's full of bourbon. (gulps it down) Ted: This isn't hopeless! You're going to find someone for me! Ellen Pierce: No! I won't! You're going to die alone! Ted (said with a forced cheer): I'm not going to die alone! Look at me! I'm bright! I'm attractive. You should go back out there and keep looking! Ellen Pierce: No! You're never going to find anybody! And every year you're just getting older and it's getting harder and harder! Ted: You're being ridiculous! (indicates the wall on which Ellen has hung the photos of happy couples she has matched up) Ted: I'm going to be up on that wall one of these days! Ellen Pierce: No, you won't!

Ellen Pierce (a match-maker): You give me 3 days and I will find the woman you will marry. Ted: No, thanks. I don't need an algorithm to meet women. It's New York, you know. Plenty of fish in the sea! Ellen Pierce (mocking him): Plenty of fish in the sea! (grabs a calculator form the desk and starts clicking away) Ellen Pierce: There's 9 million people in New York. 4.5 million women. Of course, you want to meet someone roughly your own age - let's say plus, minus 5 years. So if you take into account the most recent census data that leaves us with 482,000 women. But wait! 48% of those are already in relationships and then you have to eliminate half for intelligence, sense of humor and compatibility. And then you have to take out the ex girlfriends and the relatives. And, oh, you can't forget those lesbians. And then that leaves us with 8 women. (pushes calculator screen into Ted's face) Ted (starts to get concerned): That can't be right! Eight? Really? Eight? Ellen Pierce: There are 8 fish in that big blue ocean, Ted. And if you feel confident that you can reel one into your boat without me, there's the door. Ted: Do you take credit cards?

Marshall: No, it wasn't a cockroach, it had fur. And only mammals have fur. Lily: It was a cockroach. Marshall: Come on Lily, the only way it was a cockroach was if it was wearing the skin of a mouse it just killed. Lily (horrified at the thought): Oh my god!

Lily: Don't Ted-out about it. Ted: Did you just use my name as a verb? Barney: Oh, yeah, we do that when you're not around. "Ted-out": to over think. See also "Ted-up". "Ted-up": to over think with disastrous consequences. For example, "Billy Tedded-up when he-" Ted: All right, I get it!

Matchmaker: Don't give up hope, Ted. There are new women turning 18 every day.

Robin: So what was it, a cockroach or a mouse? Lily: It was a cockamouse! Robin: A cockamouse? Lily: It was some mutant combination of the two. It was like a cockroach and a mouse . . . Barney: Did the horizontal, ten-legged, interspecies cha cha?

Barney: Come on, Ted, this is an incredible opportunity; we'll meet our soul mates, nail 'em and never call 'em again.

Barney: Ted, these chicks are desperate and hot, that's a perfect cocktail, shake well, then sleep with. Ted: I'm not going to a matchmaker, that's like giving up. It's the man-version of getting a cat.

Barney: (chuckling) Marshall ran away from a cockroach. Marshall: (upset) It was a mouse! Barney: Sorry, my bad! You're a man!

Marshall: I don't know what it is but margaritas make me sexy.

Ted: If a cockroach and a mouse can find love in this crazy world, then so can I!