How I Met Your Mother

Marshall: Well, I'm better friends with Ted than you are. Barney: That is a lie! Marshall: It is not a lie. Barney: Okay, that's it! You and me! I'm not afraid of you! Marshall: I'll show you things you never seen before! Barney: I used to box in the Army!

Lily: Go home Ted! Ted: Okay. Lily: (looking relieved) He's going home. Barney: He's so not going home. Marshall: (to Lily) I can't believe you just told him that! Barney: Lily, here is what you just said – Ted, whatever you do, don't go up there, there is a beautiful girl who wants to have sex with you! Marshall: And then she's going to make you some delicious juice!

Barney: So Robin, do you ever, uhh, report on train wrecks? Because (long pause), I just saw one! Whaaatt uppp! (To kid in class) Tiny five!

Robin: Have you ever had one of those days where nothing all that monumental happens, but by the end of it you have no idea who you are or what the hell you are doing with your life? Do you ever have one of those days? Ted: (smiles) Uhh, about once a week. Robin: I don't know, it was just a rough day, and the only person I wanted to see at the end of it was you!

Ted: I'm going over to this girl's house to make juice. Taxicab driver: Nice! Ted: Oh no, it's not like that, we're juicing as friends.

Barney: Kids, you don't give half a brown Crayola what I do for a living, do you? Kids: Noo Barney: I know what you want. Magic! (poof of flame and smoke from hand) Kids: Ohhhh

Ted: (Answers cell phone) Hello. Korean Elvis: Ted this is your main man K.E. I want you to shake a tail feather down here A.S.A.P you dig. (Barney laughs and Marshall takes the phone from Korean Elvis) Marshall: Sorry about that. Ted: Was that Korean Elvis?

Marshall: Ted, I don't want to swear in front of Korean Elvis, but what the bleep are you doing, dude?

Marshall: Look Barney you tried I think that's great but we're going. Barney: No! No! Come on. Marshall: Yes! Barney: Dude! We haven't hit legendary yet, we're only at the Le, we still got the Gen, the Da, the Ry. Lily: Ok if were at the Le then I say we follow it up with the Tss go home. Marshall: Oh wow you just got burned phonic style.

Little girl: Do you have a fiancé? Lily: Marshall was here yesterday, they just learned the word fiancé. Robin: Oh no, I don't have a fiancé. Little girl: Then who do you live with? Robin: Well, actually, I've got five dogs. Little girl: Don't you get lonely? Robin: No, I've got fiiive dogs Little girl: My grandma has 5 cats and she gets lonely. Robin: Well, yea, that's cats, I'm not some pathetic cat lady, not that your grandmother is some pathetic cat lady – doeesss anybody else have questions? Little boy: Are you a lesbian? Robin: NO, ARE YOU? Jeez (mumbles) every woman that lives alone is not a lesbian. (Lily cuts in and starts to introduce Barney)

Barney: (laughing) Come on, Lily, how many women can say that they have been personally serenaded by Korean Elvis?

Barney: Hey you guys, remember the time that Lily kicked Korean Elvis in the nards?

Sandy Rivers: (To Robin) We should have sex! Robin: What?!?! Sandy Rivers: Why not, we're both available, we're both attractive, we're both good at it, at least I'm good at it, and even if you're not, don't worry, I'll have a good time either way. Robin: Well moving past the horrifying image of your hair helmet clanging against the headboard, I don't get involved with people I work with. Sandy Rivers: Get involved? Who said get involved? I'm just saying we should have sex! Having sex is fun! (he gives her his card and their news show starts)

Robin: (to her dogs) Remember, stay out of the liquor cabinet!

Marshall: How much does Korean Elvis rock? I'll answer that: infinity. He rocks infinity.

Ted: I hate how you're always right. Lily: It's my best, and most annoying, trait.

Marshall: Ted, what does your mom always say? Ted: Nothing good ever... Marshall: Nothing good ever happens after 2a.m.