How I Met Your Mother

Marshall: I was thinking, we're paying Ted's firm for two more months, can't we just let him keep working? He's had a rough year, he should be happy for once.
Barney: Marshall, what you're suggesting is a lie that requires a long term commitment. A nice guy like you can't pull that off.
Marshall: I could too.
Barney: Lie to me right now.
Marshall: I have a spaceship.
Barney: What kind of fuel powers your spaceship?
Marshall: Okay, I don't have a spaceship.
Barney: See, that's your mistake! When telling a lie, distract from the original lie with more lies! Like this, I have a pony. Ask me a question.
Marshall: What color is your pony?
Barney: Well when I first got Dandelion she was a lovely chestnut brown but her stable is located next to a chemical plant and she's turned a sickly grayish/off white. The vet says there's nothing he can do to fix her.
Marshall: Oh my god, is Dandelion gonna be okay? (Barney gives him a knowing look) Nice! Dandelion's not even sick, is she?

Marshall: How're you doing?
Ted: I'm frustrated. Anything creative I put into my designs Bilson just hacks out with a machete. I hate having to answer to a guy like that.
Marshall: You should quit, this job is beneath you!
Barney: Yes! To a new chapter in Ted Mosby's life, may the wind be at your back-
Ted: Are you crazy? I can't quit. They laid off another architect at my firm. I mean Bilson's a pain, but without it, I'm probably out of a job.
Barney: Yeah, it's funny you mentioned the project because-
Marshall: You're nailing it! Your hair and teeth loo fantastic today, you're shining like a diamond!
Ted: Thanks! I needed to hear that.

Ted: Good morning, lying bastards. Anything you want to lie about before I head off to work to get fired?
Barney: That's a nice shirt.
Ted: You're the devil.

Ted: I don't believe it. I just got screwed by my two best friends, and I didn't even know it.
Lily: In Canada, that's called a Sneaky Snowplow.

Marshall: So, how'd it end with Bilson?
Ted: Well, after he suggested a vocational paradigm shift, I made an impromptu presentation using a four-pronged approach that really brought him to his knees.
Barney: You hit him with a chair?
Ted: Yes sir.
Barney: That's my boy!

Ted: What is an ETR? Barney: It's an Employee Transition Room. Ted: What does that mean? Barney: Well, it's a space where a supervisor and an employee engage in a knowledge transfer about an impending vocational paradigm shift. Marshall: People get fired here.

(Barney talking about how he knows Canadian sex acts' names) Lily: How do you know all these? Barney: Canadiansexacts.org. It's bookmarked on the top right. Marshall: Dot org? Barney: Yeah, it's not for profit. They really just want to get the information out there.

Ted: I have to think of ways to put my wood into Bilson's dark atrium.