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Future Ted: Kids, I'm gonna' tell you an incredible story - the story of how I met your mother.
Son: Are we being punished for something?
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Lily: Wow, you're cooking?
Marshall: Yes, I am.
Lily: Awww. Are you sure that's a good idea after last time? You looked really creepy without eyebrows.
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Marshall: Oh, hey, look what I got? (brings out bottle of champagne and hands it to Lily)
Lily: Aww, honey. Champagne. (hands bottle back to Marshall)
Marshall: Yeah. (hands bottle back to Lily)
Lily: No, you are too old to be scared to open a bottle of champagne.
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Robin: I'm going to Orlando for a week on Friday. Some guy is attempting to make the world's biggest pancake. Guess who's covering it?
Ted: That's gonna' take a week?
Robin: Yeah, he's gonna eat it too. It's another record.
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Barney: Why are we still sitting here? Let's go, we can still make last call. What do you say, Lil? Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum? Coz you're a pirate?
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Robin: Hold on, wait a minute. Promised you these.
Ted: Olives, thanks. I love you. What is wrong with me?
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Ted: So, you're a reporter?
Robin: Sorta, I do those fluff stories at the end of the show, like... Monkey can play a ukulele. I'm hoping for some bigger stories.
Ted: Bigger... like, a Gorilla with an upright bass? Sorry, you're very pretty.
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Ted: She didn't even give me the signal!
Barney: What, is she gonna... is she gonna bat her eyes at you in morse code? (bats eyes) Ted... kiss me. No! You just kiss her!
Ted: Not if you don't get the signal!
(Barney spontaneously kisses Marshall)
Barney: Did Marshall give me the signal?
Marshall: No! (to Lily) I didn't, I swear!
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Barney: Have you forgotten what I said to you the night we met?
(flashback to the same bar, where a younger, goatee-wearing Ted sits in a booth. Barney drops down next to him)
Barney: Ted, I'm gonna teach you how to live.
(Ted stares at him)
Barney: Barney. We met at the urinal.
Ted: Oh, right.
Barney: Lesson one, lose the goatee. It doesn't go with your suit.
Ted: I'm not wearing a suit.
Barney: Lesson two, get a suit. Suits are cool. Exhibit A.
(motions to his own suit, then winks to a girl off camera)
Barney: Lesson three, don't even think about getting married 'til you're 30.
(back in the present)
Ted: Thirty. Right, you're right.
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Lily: Ugh! I'm exhausted, it was finger-painting day at school and a five year old boy... (Opens jacket to reveal a hand shaped stain on her blouse) ...got to second base with me.
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Barney: So, Ranjit, you must have done it with a Lebanese girl...
Lily: Ok, that's my Barney limit.
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Barney (over the phone): Meet me at the bar in 15 minutes. And suit up!
(Later, Ted arrives at the bar, where Barney is waiting)
Ted: Hey.
Barney: Where is your suit? Just once, when I say "suit up", I'd wish you'd put on a suit!
Ted: I did, that one time.
Barney: It was a blazer!
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(giving a toast)
Marshall: To my fiance!
Lily: To the future!
Ranjit: To one hell of a night!
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Older Ted: (voice over about seeing Robin for the first time) It was like something from an old movie. Where the sailor sees the girl across the crowded dance floor and turns to his buddy, and says, "See that girl? I'm gonna marry her someday."
Ted: Hey, Barney. See that girl?
Barney: Oh, yeah, you just know she likes it dirty.
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Ted: I'm so happy for Marshall, I really am. I just can't imagine settling down right now.
Yasmin: So, do you think you'll ever get married?
Ted: Well, maybe eventually... some fall day, possibly in Central Park... simple ceremony, we'll write our own vows... band, no DJ, people will dance, I'm not gonna worry about it!
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Marshall: (rehearsing with Ted) Will you marry me?
Ted: Yes, perfect! And then you're engaged, you pop the champagne, you do your toast, you have sex on the kitchen floor! Don't have sex on our kitchen floor.
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Barney: (after Robin throws a drink in Ted's face) De -wait for it- Nied! Denied!
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Barney: There's no such thing as the signal! But yeah, that was the signal.
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Future Ted's voice-over: That, kids, is the true story of how I met your Aunt Robin.
Son: Aunt Robin?
Daughter: I thought this was how you met Mom?
Future Ted's voice-over: Will you relax? I'm getting to it. Like I said, it's a long story.
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Ted: You know what? I'm done being single, I'm not good at it. Look, obviously you can't tell a woman you just met that you love her, but it sucks that you can't. I'll tell you something though, if a woman, not you, just some hypothetical woman, were to bear with me through all this, I think I'd make a damn good husband, because that's the stuff I'd be good at. Stuff like making her laugh and being a good father and walking her five hypothetical dogs. Being a good kisser...
Robin: Everyone thinks they're a good kisser.
Ted: Oh, I've got references.
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Taxi driver: Actually, I'm from Bangladesh.
Barney: The women hot there?
Taxi driver: Here's a picture of my wife.
Barney: (whispering) A simple no would've sufficed.
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Robin: I love a Scotch that's old enough to order its own Scotch.
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Robin: I think I like your olive theory.
Ted: I think I like your new French horn.
Robin: I think I like your nose.
Ted: I think I'm in love with you.
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Ted: I gotta do what that guy couldn't, I gotta take the leap!...Okay, not a perfect metaphor, cause for me it's fall in love and get married, and for him it's...death.
Barney: Actually, that is a perfect metaphor...(to Marshall and Lily who just got engaged) By the way, did I congratulate you two?
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Barney: Hi, have you met Ted?
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Marshall: I'm full of surprises tonight.
Lily: So there's more surprises?! Like what?
Marshall (screaming): BOOGADABOO!!! And that's all of them!
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Barney: (answering the phone) Hey, so you know how I've always had a thing for half-Asians? Well, now I have a new favorite: Lebanese girls. Lebanese girls are the new half-Asians.
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Ted: I've been there for all the big moments of you and Lily: the night you met, your first date, other first things...
Marshall: Huh-uh-uh, yeah, sorry, we thought you were asleep.
Ted: It's physics Marshall, if the bottom bunk moves the top bunk moves too.
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Barney (to Ted): You suited up! This is totally going in my blog!
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Cab Driver: Woah woah woah. Did you hit her?
Lily (laughs): Hit me? Please! This guy can barely spank me in bed for fun. He's all like "Oh honey did that hurt?" and I'm all like "C'mon let me have it ya pansy!" Wow, complete stranger.
Cab Driver: No, no, no, no! It's OK! Go on. So, these spankings, you in pajamas or au naturale?
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Barney (on the phone): Hey, loser. How is not playing laser tag? Because playing laser tag is awesome! (to a kid) Oh, I killed you, Conner! Don't make me get your mom!
Ted: Hey, listen, I need your help on something.
Barney: Okay, meet me at the bar in 15 minutes. And suit up!
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Ted: I could end up marrying this woman; I want our first kiss to be special.
Lily: Aw, that's sweet. So you chickened out like a little bitch?
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Future Ted: Son, a piece of advice: when you go on a first date, you really don't want to say "smurf penis." Girls don't ordinarily like that.
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Ted: That was not the signal!
Ted's Voice-Over: I asked her about it years later, and, yes, that was the signal.
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Robin: My friend just got dumped, so tonight all men are "the Enemy".
Ted: If it would make your friend feel better, you can throw a drink in my face.
Robin: She would love that!