How I Met Your Mother Season 1 Episode 4

Robin: So I'm not gonna jeopardize my promotion by saying "booger" for 50 bucks.
Barney: Of course not, because now you're saying "nipple" and it's 100. Step into my web.

Ted: Mm, who's bourbon is this?
Lily: I don't know. It was here when we sat down.

Robin: So, next time you're passing City Hall, make sure and stop by New York's oldest hot dog cart. Today a delicious hot dog will cost you $2.50, but back when the stand first opened in 1955, you could get one for only a nipple. Reporting live, Robin Scherbatsky, Metro News 1.

Barney: Hey, is it cold in here? 'Cause I can kinda see Robin's nickels.

Barney: Oh, search your soul, Robin. You and I both know this wasn't about the money. Sure, Metro News 1 pays you jack. And, hey, a little green salad on the side is good for you, me and Mr. McGee.
Lily: Seriously, who talks like that?

Lily: Hey, Ted, nice shirt. Is it yesterday already?

Lily: (hitting Ted) Who breaks up with somebody on their answering machine on their birthday?!
Marshall: Yeah, dude, e-mail.

Marshall: Personally, I'd rather hear the bad news on an answering machine than face the humiliation in person. It's the least painful way you can do it. Who are you calling?
Lily: (into phone) Hi, Marshall, it's Lily, we're not gonna have sex for at least a month. But you're awesome. OK, bye-bye.

Barney: No, that was a big mistake, Ted, you should have done it in person. Desperate please-don't-leave-me sex is amazing.

Ted: Natalie, come on. I just wanna say I'm sorry. I only came down here cuz you wouldn't take my call.
Natalie: Hey, here's an idea. Why don't you leave a message?

(Ted and Natalie in bed)
Natalie: Wow. Maybe it was the caffeine. But you've really brought your game up to a whole new level.
Ted: Thanks. I did just start subscribing to Esquire. They have some helpful columns. The following is from the October issue.

(talking to Ted)
Marshall: So when are you going to do it?
Barney: She's probably on the subway by now. You can call her voicemail. Beep. Dumped. Click. Done.

Robin: It's an honor to tell your story, Henry. You know, Metro News 1 may not be #1 in viewership, but this reporter takes pride in...whoa! (falls off hansom cab with a splash) Oh my God, I'm covered in horse crap. And it's in my hair! Oh my! Ow, my knee. Ow, ow, ow...
Marshall: Planned that?
Barney: No, Marshall, that was beyond my wildest dreams.

Barney: Hey, Ted, you know what always picks me up when I'm down? Other people's misfortune. You missed something so amazing.
Robin: Please, can we just have one person in this bar who didn't see it?
Barney: Fine.
Lily: Are you OK?
Ted: I thought I was doing it the good way this time. I guess there is no good way. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to do the right thing, you just end up flat on your back, flailing around in a big pile of horse crap.
Robin: You saw it.
Ted: My phone gets the Internet now.

Son: So you got beat up by a girl?
Future Ted: Is that all you're taking away from this story?
Son: You got beat up by a girl.

Barney: Did you sleep with her sister?
Ted: No..
Barney: Did you sleep with her mom?
Ted: No..
Barney: I'm losing interest in your story..

Ted: I haven't talked to her in like three years, I wonder if she even remembers me.
(Calls her up)
Natalie: Hello
Ted: Natalie, it's Ted Mosby.
Natalie: Go to hell!
Ted: She remembers me..

Robin: I am a journalist!
Barney: What? Journalist? You're the little fluff-pieces at the end of the news. Old people, babies, monkeys, that's not journalism. That's just things in a diaper.

Robin: I'm a dirty, dirty girl. (smacks butt) , Ow.

Barney: You dumped a porn star? Friendship over. Friendship over!

Barney: Now, for two more hundisticks, baby's gonna look in the camera and say this (whispers in Robin's ear).
Lily: Eww! (Barney and Robin look at her) I'm just assuming.