How I Met Your Mother Season 5 Episode 3

Robin: I have so many questions. Why would you do this? What were you thinking? Who the hell is that guy?
Ted: Oh, that's Shin-Ya. He's sort of been auditing the class.
Robin: Auditing?
Ted: Yeah, I tried to explain to him it wasn't a real class, but I don't think he speaks English very well.
Barney: On the bright side he came in handy standing in for you during the role-playing exercises.
Robin: Wait, you did role playing exercises where I was played by Shin-Ya?
Shin-Ya: (subtitle) They made me wear a wig. It was very demeaning.

Ted: What is Robin's dream job?
Barney: To become the most successful woman TV journalist of all time.
Ted: Correct. And if she achieves that, will she truly be happy?
Barney: No. Robin's deep-seated need for attention can be traced back to her father's emotional distance. And no amount of success will make up for what she truly needs, which is six simple words from her dad: "Robin, I'm proud of you, eh?"
Ted: YES!

Ted: Now we all know Robin's not what you'd call touchy-feely. She doesn't say I love you like a normal person. Instead, she'll laugh, shake her head, give you a little smile and say, "You're an idiot."
Barney: "You're an idiot?"
Ted: Yup. If she tells you you're an idiot, you are a lucky man. If she does say I love you, she's already broken up with you in her mind.

Marshall: (watching a man and dog walk by his barrel) Oh, come on, dude, you know you want to. A guy like you beard, no mustache, you're exactly the kind of guy who could use a sweet barrel. Do it. (The dog pees on the barrel) That is not a fire hydrant! For shame, sir! FOR SHAME! I bet you couldn't grow a mustache if you wanted to!
Lily: Neither can you, sweetie.
Marshall: Well, he doesn't know that baby, god!

Ted: (on how to distract Robin) One, the Vancouver Canucks 2004 Division Title.
Robin: What? That's not distracting. That's just talking about the story of a scrappy little underdog team who prevailed despite very shaky goaltending and quite frankly, the declining skills of Trevor Linden.
Ted: Two, proper gun cleaning and maintenance.
Robin: You have to clean your gun! My uncle had a filthy old shotgun, blew both his thumbs off trying to shoot a beaver. You want to distract someone, make them watch my uncle try and eat corn-on-the-cob.
Ted: Three, emperor penguins.
Robin: Did you know that before intercourse, the male and female emperor penguins bow to each other? "Mr. Penguin." "Mrs. Penguin." Silly penguins acting all fancy! (starts laughing) What were we talking about?

Barney: Could we draw boobs on the chalkboard?
Ted: We did that already.
Barney: No, like really big boobs.
Ted: No. Look, I need this, too. I've only been a professor a few weeks. Being up here, it's good practice for me.
Barney: Can we have class outside?
Ted: No. What Robin really wants deep down is (Sees Barney has his phone out) Barney.
Barney: What? I'm tweeting about you, you should be flattered. How do you spell "blah, blah blah"? H's or no?
Ted: Wow. You were just like the worst student in the world, weren't you?
Barney: They said I had AD... something. Can we have class outside?

Marshall: What are you guys doing with Barney's secret Robin notebook? (Lily and Robin stare at him) Let me rephrase that. Did you two ladies lose some weight?

Robin: Here's Barney's briefcase. He forgot it here this morning.
Lily: And what are you planning to do with it?
Robin: We, we, you and I, are gonna open it up and look for evidence. Ted probably has a sledgehammer around here somewhere.
Lily: No, stop, stop! Eye contact. Listen to me. Robin Scherbatsky is many things: friend, confidant, occasional guest star in some confusing dreams that remind me a woman's sexuality is a moving target. But she is not crazy jealous stalker bitch!

Ted: Be more attentive to where she is emotionally. Be present.
Barney: Yes, totally. One thing, and this is just me, I like my testicles attached to my body rather than rolling around next to some eyeliner in Robin's purse. Stinson, out!

Ted: But the most important expression of all...
(shows picture of a very angry Robin)
Barney: Whoa...
Ted: Flared nostril ridges, wide unblinking eyes. If you ever, EVER, see this face, Barney, run. And don't take a picture of it, she will punch you... and you will cry... for the third time... that night.