How I Met Your Mother

Barney: I've got it! The ultimate wager: Slap Bet. Marshall: Oh, Slap Bet! We used to do those when I was a kid. Lily: What the hell's a slap bet? Marshall: Whoever's right gets to slap the other person in the face as hard as they possibly can, but no rings.

Barney: You got something to say to me? Marshall: What are you talking about? Barney: I know Robin was never really married. Marshall: How could you possibly know that (Barney looks at Lily as she looked away) Marshall: You told him?! Lily: I had to I'm a Slap bet commissioner!

Lily: Oh right, like you need an excuse to watch porn. Barney: CANADIAN Porn! Trust me when I tell you their universal health care system doesn't cover breast implants. If I have to sit through one more flat-chested Nova Scotian riding a Mountie on the back of a Zamboni, I'll go OOT of my mind.

Barney: Your tombstone will read "Lily Aldrin: Caring wife, loving friend and Slap Bet Commissioner" Marshall: And on Barney's grave it'll read "Got slapped by Marshall so hard he died"!

Ted: So, what's the deal with you and malls? Robin: I thought you said if I didn't want to talk about it I didn't have to. Ted: Yeah, with those people, but I'm your boyfriend. Come on! what is it? Did you get arrested at a mall? Robin: No. Ted: Dumped at a mall? Robin: Ted. Ted: Found out you were Canadian in a mall? Robin: Let it go. Ted: Trapped under a fake boulder at a mall? Robin: Let it go. Ted: Maulled at the mall? Robin: Let it go!... and who gets trapped under a fake boulder at the mall? Ted: Not me in Ohio when I was nine, that's for sure.(Robin looks at him funny)

Ted: You never got divorced?! Robin: He moved to Hong Kong, I figured that was good enough. Ted: That's not good enough! You order pancakes, you get waffles, that's good enough!

(Marshall found out Robin's not really married) Ted: Are you serious? Marshall: Yeah, dude, she's not married. Not good at parking legally, either.

Robin: I wanna stress that I was young! Barney: Yeeaaah you were. Robin: And I didn't know any better! Barney: They never do. Robin: And it started out as an innocent modeling job! Barney: It always does.

Woman: I just turned thirty. Barney: Oh.

Barney: It's slap-o-clock.

Barney: (After slapping Marshall three times) Oh my god. Are you gonna cry? Marshall: (Holding his face in pain) No. You're gonna cry.

[Discussing the possibility of Robin having been a porn star] Lily: She does have the fake orgasm noises down. Ted: Hey! Lily: What? The walls are thin. Ted: That's not what I'm "Hey!"ing you about!

Lily: Ted, even if she is married, it's a Canadian marriage. It's like their money, or their army. Nobody takes it seriously.

(After being told what a slap bet is) Lily: That's so immature Marshall: You can be Slap Bet Commissioner. Lily: Ooh, I love it. What are my powers? Barney: If a problem arises and we need a ruling, that's your job. But you have to be unbiased and put the integrity of slap bet above all else. This is an honor you will take with you to your grave. On your tombstone, it will read, "Lily Aldrin, caring wife, loving friend, Slap Bet Commissioner."

Barney: Our friend Robin used to do porn-, wait for it, -ography! Ted: Yeah, we didn't really need to wait for that..

Ted: Trust me, not only do they tell each other everything, they want to know everything! Flashback Marshall: So after the shower I was brushing my teeth and I was like, oh man I wanted to have some orange juice I should've done that first! But I already had the toothpaste on the toothbrush so I just went ahead a brushed them anyway. Lily: What happened next?

Lily: So, just to be clear... you wanted everybody to go the mall -- today?

(While they were watching the video) Marshall: If this is the '90s, why does it look like 1986? Robin: The '80s didn't come to Canada till, like, '93.

Ted: You're driving me crazy! No wonder your fake husband moved to Hong Kong! Robin: He moved there for business!

Robin: What database did you use? Ted: I used the "Canadian Mall Marriage 6000"

Ted: You're scared of the seven dwarves? Robin: Just Doc. He's creepy. I mean, the guy went to medical school. What's he doing living with 6 coal miners?

Barney: (after being slapped by Marshall who "won" the slapbet) Your hand is monstrous! Marshall: What did you expect? You've seen my penis.

Robin: (after Barney has played the beginning of the Robin Sparkles video, saying it was porn) Porn? I wish it was porn. It would be less embarrassing.

Robin: You remember my friend in Canada who got married way too young?

(When discussing to the Oh moment when you find something that is a deal breaker Ted daydreams of his and Robin's wedding) Ted: I love you. Robin: I used to be a dude.