How I Met Your Mother

Barney: It would cover up the problem, it's festive, and it celebrates the heritage of this great nation. Ted: Okay, unless you actually have one in your car, stop suggesting authentic Native American headdress.

Marshall: Lily's never gonna marry me like this! Ted: Come on, of course she will! Marshall: Would you marry me? Ted: No. But not because of the hair, because I have a rule. Never marry someone you've had a farting contest with. Marshall: Oh, great. So now you're saying Lily and I shouldn't even get married?

Marshall I look like one of the Backstreet Boys! Barney: You totally do. And not even the good Backstreet Boys, the older, lame dance move comeback Backstreet Boys. Ted: "Good Backstreet Boys"?

Lily: I'm marrying Marshall today. So it doesn't even matter that I'm gonna walk down the aisle without a veil in a room that has no flowers to the music of half a harp played by a woman who's crowning while my high school boyfriend reads Guns 'n' Roses lyrics, but that's okay because there's no photographer to take any pictures of it anyway! Robin: Lily, are you okay? Lily: What do you think? Of course I'm not okay! Everything that could possibly go wrong at my wedding has! It's ruined! Robin: What happened to 'I don't want a perfect wedding?' Lily: Oh, grow up, Robin! Of course I want a perfect wedding!

Lily: How's Marshall? Barney: He's fine. He's about to get his hair cut. Lily: Oh, I'm worried my cousin's gonna cut it too short. Barney: Me, too. I was up all night.

Lily: Did he look like a guy who tried to become an umpire and failed? Barney: He kind of did. Lily: That's Scooter. Robin: Your high school boyfriend Scooter? Lily: His real name is Bill. My mom must've invited him. Robin: Why? Why would she do that? Lily: Our families are really close. But my ex-boyfriend? But come on, Mom. I didn't invite that professional squash player Dad busted you with!

Barney: Can I grab a scotch and soda real quick? Bartender: Nope. I'm not allowed to serve anything until the reception. Barney: Wow, you just cost yourself a big tip, buddy. Bartender: I'm not allowed to accept tips. Buddy. Barney: You allowed to accept criticism? You, sir, are an ASS. Buddy.

Robin: How do you play the harp with your belly so... Andrea: I don't, really. I can only reach half the strings. Robin: You can only play half the harp? This is okay. I'll just pluck the other half. Is it hard to learn? Andrea: I've been studying the harp for twelve years. Robin: Yeah, but I'm a fast learner. Ever hear of Guitar Hero? Learned that in a day. Is there a Harp Hero?

Lily: My dad owes a guy, and that guy's daughter plays the harp. Barney: Is she hot? I'd love to be able to cross harp player off the list. Marshall: How long is this list? Barney: Dude, I'm not gonna count how many pages the list is. I'm not crass. Lily: Well, it doesn't matter anyway. She's pregnant. Barney: Sweet! I can cross off two things.

Lily: Great, my mom is making me invite the Lessner's. (To Marshall) This will put our numbers in the triple digits! Robin: Well, I guess sometimes Lessner is more... ner. (Everyone stares at her) You know, like less is more? Ted: This is one of those times, sweetie.

Robin: But you hate marriage. Why do you want to perform the ceremony? Barney: Because it subtly implants in the mind of every woman there that when I ask a question, you say "I do."

Marshall: Hat. You thought of authentic Native American head-dress, before hat.

Lily: My makeup is perfect, and I'm about to cry. Do something. Robin: Uh, I have hairy nipples. Lily: Really? Robin: No, but it worked.