How I Met Your Mother

Marshall: Oh, no. I don't have my vows. Lily: Me, either. Ted: You don't need your vows. Just say why you love each other. Marshall: I'll go first. Lily, there are a million reasons why I love you. You make me laugh, you take care of me when I'm sick, you're sweet, caring and you even created an egg dish and named it after me. She puts a little Italian dressing on the eggs before she cooks em, it's called Eggs Marshall and it's awesome. But the main reason is you're my best friend, Lily. You're the best friend I've ever had. (to Ted) Sorry, buddy. Ted: No problem. Barney: Totally okay. Lily: My turn. Marshall, I love you because you're funny and you make me feel loved and you make me feel safe and for our anniversary, you gave me a sweatshirt that says "Lily and Marshall: Rocking it since '96." I kinda wish I was wearing it right now cause it smells like you. But the main reason I love you, Marshall Eriksen, is you make me happy. You make me happy all the time.

Barney: It would cover up the problem, it's festive, and it celebrates the heritage of this great nation. Ted: Okay, unless you actually have one in your car, stop suggesting authentic Native American headdress.

Marshall: Lily's never gonna marry me like this! Ted: Come on, of course she will! Marshall: Would you marry me? Ted: No. But not because of the hair, because I have a rule. Never marry someone you've had a farting contest with. Marshall: Oh, great. So now you're saying Lily and I shouldn't even get married?

Marshall I look like one of the Backstreet Boys! Barney: You totally do. And not even the good Backstreet Boys, the older, lame dance move comeback Backstreet Boys. Ted: "Good Backstreet Boys"?

Lily: I'm marrying Marshall today. So it doesn't even matter that I'm gonna walk down the aisle without a veil in a room that has no flowers to the music of half a harp played by a woman who's crowning while my high school boyfriend reads Guns 'n' Roses lyrics, but that's okay because there's no photographer to take any pictures of it anyway! Robin: Lily, are you okay? Lily: What do you think? Of course I'm not okay! Everything that could possibly go wrong at my wedding has! It's ruined! Robin: What happened to 'I don't want a perfect wedding?' Lily: Oh, grow up, Robin! Of course I want a perfect wedding!

Lily: How's Marshall? Barney: He's fine. He's about to get his hair cut. Lily: Oh, I'm worried my cousin's gonna cut it too short. Barney: Me, too. I was up all night.

Lily: Did he look like a guy who tried to become an umpire and failed? Barney: He kind of did. Lily: That's Scooter. Robin: Your high school boyfriend Scooter? Lily: His real name is Bill. My mom must've invited him. Robin: Why? Why would she do that? Lily: Our families are really close. But my ex-boyfriend? But come on, Mom. I didn't invite that professional squash player Dad busted you with!

Barney: Can I grab a scotch and soda real quick? Bartender: Nope. I'm not allowed to serve anything until the reception. Barney: Wow, you just cost yourself a big tip, buddy. Bartender: I'm not allowed to accept tips. Buddy. Barney: You allowed to accept criticism? You, sir, are an ASS. Buddy.

Robin: How do you play the harp with your belly so... Andrea: I don't, really. I can only reach half the strings. Robin: You can only play half the harp? This is okay. I'll just pluck the other half. Is it hard to learn? Andrea: I've been studying the harp for twelve years. Robin: Yeah, but I'm a fast learner. Ever hear of Guitar Hero? Learned that in a day. Is there a Harp Hero?

Lily: My dad owes a guy, and that guy's daughter plays the harp. Barney: Is she hot? I'd love to be able to cross harp player off the list. Marshall: How long is this list? Barney: Dude, I'm not gonna count how many pages the list is. I'm not crass. Lily: Well, it doesn't matter anyway. She's pregnant. Barney: Sweet! I can cross off two things.

Lily: Great, my mom is making me invite the Lessner's. (To Marshall) This will put our numbers in the triple digits! Robin: Well, I guess sometimes Lessner is more... ner. (Everyone stares at her) You know, like less is more? Ted: This is one of those times, sweetie.

Robin: But you hate marriage. Why do you want to perform the ceremony? Barney: Because it subtly implants in the mind of every woman there that when I ask a question, you say "I do."

Marshall: Hat. You thought of authentic Native American head-dress, before hat.

Lily: My makeup is perfect, and I'm about to cry. Do something. Robin: Uh, I have hairy nipples. Lily: Really? Robin: No, but it worked.

Barney: You wanna know what line doesn't work on a harp player? "Hey, baby, wanna pluck?"