How I Met Your Mother

Lily: Is Chloe here? Scott: She just left. You can still catch her. She's easy to spot. She's got a bright pink umbrella. Lily: Oh. Thanks, Brian. Scott: I'm Scott. Lily: Your tag says Brian. Scott: Yeah, I know. So I wake up this morning, and-- Lily: Yeah, see ya.

Barney: One time I met a girl... at this very bar... [flashback] Barney: I saw that she had the crazy eyes... but I ignored it. And then, sure enough... [later flashback] Lauren: Barney, can I ask you a question? Barney: Anything. Lauren: Would you like to have a three-some? Barney: [looking un-comfortable and catching breath] of course... Lauren: Great! It would be me, you and Mr Weasels! [pulls out stuffed animal] [back to the present] Ted: So, did you do it ? Barney: No. It ended up being just the two-some. With the third one watching from a chair. Ted: Which one were you ? Barney: [looking askance] I'd rather not say.

(3 weeks ago) Chloe: Marshall, here's your pumpkin latte. Marshall: Wow, how'd you fit a pumpkin into this little cup? (8 days ago) Customer: (to Chloe) I'll have a pumpkin latte. Marshall: How do they even fit a pumpkin into those little cups? What, you got a shrink ray back there? (Yesterday) Marshall: Hey, remember that time I said that thing, "how do they fit a pumpkin into the little cup?" Chloe: Which time? Marshall: The first time. Chloe: Yeah. (laughing) That was really funny.

Ted: (in a teasing sing-song voice to Marshall) Somebody has a crush on you. Barney:(in a teasing sing-song voice to Marshall) Somebody thinks you're me.

Robin: I signed him up for People en Español, but I addressed it to Swarlos.

Robin: What's up, Swarles? Barney: No, okay? No! No more! I will not let this become a thing! It's OVER! No more "Swarley!" No "Swarles!" No more "Swar-LAY!" No more "Swar--wait for it--LEE!" No more "Bob Swarleyman!" No more! No! It's over! Do you understand? Lily and Robin: Yes. Barney: Thank you. [walks away, unaware of a "CALL ME SWARLEY :-)" sign on his back]

[While discussing Marshall's new girlfriend at the bar] Marshall: Right? Right? She's hot! And she likes me, she likes Italian food, I also like Italian food. She likes Billy Joel, I also like..music! And I think we're gonna go out again. Barney: Dude, you gotta ditch her! Ted: Obviously! Marshall: Wha..Why? Barney: She's got the crazy eyes. Ted: Dude, the eyes, they're crazy.

Barney: You know, I was thinking about this whole new name thing last night, you know what I realized? I like it! Robin: You like being called Swarley? Barney: You kidding? I love being called that! Ted: You really think this is gonna work? Barney: Do I think what's gonna work? I'm just saying, I love my new name. So please, only call me that from now on. Ted: Call you what? Barney: You know, that new name..th..that you've been calling me.. Ted: Say it. Barney: Why? You guys know what it is. Ted: Say the name.. Barney: [Screams] NOO! I don't want to! I hate it! It's not funny! It's never been funny, I've never done anything--Gaaaaah! [Barney runs out of the apartment]

Robin: If it makes you feel any better, Ted says she has the crazy eyes. Lily: What's that? Robin: Apparently a thing women have that guys can see that tells them that the girl's crazy. Lily: Oh! Kinda like you never wanna date a guy with perfect fingernails? Robin: Jerk nails, exactly.

Lily: Are you free tomorrow night? I was thinking of having a wine tasting slash help me catch the rat in my apartment party. Ted: That's a great idea, you can put out cheese for both.

All: Awkward silence
Ted: So i guess that decides it.
Marshall: Yup...
Barney: Hanging out in a coffee place not nearly as much fun as hanging out in a bar.

The guys try hanging out in a coffee shop (a la "Friends") and they notice that the coffee girl has put a heart on Marshalls cup Marshall: Well, what if the heart doesn't mean anything? What if she writes them on all the cups? Ted: Mine says "Ted", no heart Barney: Mine says... "Swarley".... How'd they get "Swarley" from "Barney"? It's not even a name. Who would ever be called "Swarley"?....(Marshall and Ted smile) Oh, please don't start calling me "Swarley"... This would never happen at a bar! Barney leaves the coffee shop Ted: Man! What's up with Swarley? Marshall: I know. You almost never see old Swarlz get that upset. Ted: Psssh.