How I Met Your Mother

Lily: It must be hard to woo someone while sticking your naked butt in their face. Marshall: That's what baboons do. It's called "presenting".

Barney: You juggled? I thought you were trying to impress her. Ted: You do magic. How is juggling lamer than magic? Barney: Magic isn't lame. Ted: I don't get it. If she— Barney: Is this lame?! (a spark flies out of his hand) Lily: Barney, no, no! We said no fireballs at the table! Marshall: What the hell is wrong with you? Robin: There's alcohol here! Wendy: Barney, we've talked about this. It's a fire code violation. Barney: Ted provoked me! Lily: No, you're on a timeout. Go sit over there.

Ted: I'm not some top 40 song, easily digestible. I'm complex and require multiple listens. I'm "Stairway to Heaven". Robin: Boy, Roger Daltrey must be rolling over in his grave. (everyone stares at her) Robin: What? I got the wrong guy, didn't I? He's not even dead, is he?

Ted: Hi, Ted Mosby for Dr. Zinman. Abby: Hi, Ted.. I'll let her know. (stares at him, smiling) Ted: Telepathically? Abby: That's funny! (laughs) That's funny, smart, and great.

Barney: Somebody's gotta nail the receptionist. Ted: No, I like Stella. Barney: Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there, Ted. Your little Stella is not so perfect. Ted: What do you mean? Barney: I went down there and checked her out for myself. (leans forward) Yeah. And while I was down there, I discovered that she had a secret. A terrible, terrible secret. Ted: (panicky) What? What is it? (the music swells, and Barney stares at Ted.) Barney: Hold on, I gotta pee.

Barney: Okay, I'm back. (turns to Robin) What's going on at work? Ted: What's the big secret!? Barney: Oh! Oh, right. --(flashback) Barney: Hi, I'd like to see Dr. Zinman, please. Abby: Sure, what's it regarding? Barney: I just want to see her. One look at her. See what she looks like. Abby: I-I don't understand. Barney: I'm sorry, did I accidentally oprima numero dos when I called? Do you SPEAK ENGLISH? I WANT TO SEE HER! Abby: Sir, please, don't yell at me. Because when people yell at me, I have a tendency to start crying. (Barney is heard yelling over the phone) .. Please don't do it.. Please.

Barney: At first, she seemed great. Beautiful. Smart. Way out of your league. But then I overheard this conversation: (Abby walks in) Abby: Dr. Zinman? Stella: Abby, did my hypnotherapist call yet? Abby: No. Stella: Ugh, when am I going to kick this folliculaphilia? --(present) (Barney makes a "there you go" gesture) Ted: (stunned) "Folliculaphilia"? Barney: Folliculaphilia. Ted: What is that? Barney: Ted, your perfect woman can only be attracted to men with mustaches. Ted: (laughing) That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. That's not real. Barney: You're right, Ted. I'm just making that up. Ted: I know that you are, because there is no such thing. Robin: .. I got it a little bit.

Stella: Ah, the butterfly tramp stamp—my bread and butter. So I'm guessing that the real story involves a bad break up and some booze, unless it's a gang tattoo, in which case I think it's time to find a new gang. Ted: Uh, no, I just thought it would be cool to get a caterpillar tattoo, then a few weeks went by and all of the sudden.