How I Met Your Mother

Ted: Why don't you check your list? Barney: My list? Ted: Come on, man. Don't pretend you're not the kind of guy who keeps a list of all the women he's slept with. Marshall: I have one. It's called my marriage license. (he and Lily high-five)

Barney: Okay, girl who thought I owned Google or girl who thought I was a scuba instructor? Ted: You gotta go scuba instructor. Robin: You're kidding! Ted: She got the bends! Barney: Yeah, she did! Marshall: (Doing a thumbs-down) Boo!

Barney: The same thing happened last week at the museum. (Everyone raises their hands) Lily. Lily: You pretend to be a struggling young artist who needs a new muse. Barney: No. Marshall. Marshall: You're a millionaire art thief casing the joint for a thrill money can no longer give you. Barney: No. Robin. Robin: You're going blind, and you're trying to soak up all the beauty in the world before the darkness descends. Barney: Bingo!

Lily: Maybe you're not as good a liar as you think you are. Barney: Oh, really, then why am I not in prison for perjury? (waves hand dismissively) But I don't wanna talk about work.

(Lily forces Barney to apologize to Meg) Barney: Lily, this girl hates me. I hooked up with her in an apartment I was pretending was my own, told her I loved her and then ditched her there. She got arrested for trespassing, bit a cop and spent eight days in jail.

Barney: Ahh, there she is. Lily: Oh, and she's holding hot coffee, maybe she'll throw it in your face. Barney: You're really enjoying this, aren't you? Lily: I'm making a scrapbook.

(Barney's apology) Barney: Hey, I don't remember you. I've spent the last two days trying to remember every girl I've slept with and all of the horrible things I've done to them, and I've done some horrible things. I mean at one point I'm pretty sure I sold a woman. I didn't speak the language but I shook a guy's hand he gave the keys to a Mercedes and I left her there. I'm the guy who keeps a scrap book of all the women but I never thought I was the guy who would sleep with a girl and not even remember her. So from the bottom of my heart, for what ever I did to you, I apologize.

(After Barney got slapped in the hardware store) Barney: The same thing happened in the pet store yesterday. Marshall: Pet store? Ted: Single girl, mid twenties, looking of canine replacement for the boyfriend who just dumped her, instead finds Barney! Barney : (Very satisfied) God bless you Ted, you are reading my blog. Ted : (With a guilty face) I'm really bored at work.

(Barney's explanation who is going to hardware stores) Robin: Wait, you go to the hardware store to pick up girls? Barney: There are four kinds of women that go to the hardware store by themselves. Robin: Of course, there are. Barney: Single, recently single, recently divorces, lesbians who let me to watch. Lily: You can not be more evil. Barney: Sorry, five; recently widowed.