We pick up with Ted dropping the six-hundred dollar bottle of Scotch on the ground because Barney reveals that he saw Ted holding hands in the park with Robin. I know we were supposed to be all excited about how tense this was going to be, but frankly, at this point, I've been on the Robin/Barney/Ted carousel ride so many times that I just want to get off. I'm dizzy and a little nauseous. A quick conversation about Ted just being a friend while Barney was out hustling little kids at the laser tag place seems to clear things up. But while Ted is doing a number of best man duties, including handwriting table cards a multitude of times, Barney decides that William Zabka is his new best man and has taken Ted's seat at the traditional pre-wedding poker game. If Zabka was available, I'm not sure why he wasn't the first choice all along.
Turns out that Barney isn't quite as over the carousel hand holding as he let on and brings out The Bro Code to show Ted that he's been a terrible friend. Although there's actually nothing in The Bro Code that says that you can't comfort a friend who has lost her necklace in the rain when her fianc is unavailable. They call in Marshall to use his judging skills. He says that Ted didn't break the code, unless it is weird to hold hands to comfort any friend. So Ted, Barney and Marshpillow head out to the beach where Ted and Barney hold hands and talk about their feelings until it starts raining. It is all very unnecessary, and Ted reveals that he still has love for Robin and he can't just turn it off, but he's trying. He's moving all the way to Chicago to put away those feelings, though he doesn't actually tell his supposed best friend that little fact. And they agree to be best friends, but Zabka is pissed about being ousted from best man duties and threatens Ted. Is it too much to hope that Ted gets beaten to a pulp and this whole show has been his coma-induced fantasy all along?
While the boys are hashing out their feelings and playing poker, the girls are in the bar. Lily has her Marshpillow 2.0 to comfort her, though bad-connection jokes run rampant through this episode. And Robin is upset that Lily threw her a terrible bachelorette party where no one came. Turns out that Robin has no female friends. So Patrice doesn't end up being Robin's sole option while Lily is in Italy and apparently unreachable by any form of communication for girl talk, Lily tries to set Robin up with some ladies at the bar. But how is that a good plan? Meet a new girlfriend at a bar that is easily two hours from your house and she's probably a tourist as well? What are the odds that this girl lives in Manhattan?
After many failed attempts, and a lot of judgmental behavior about bangs, Robin finally meets a crying girl who loves hockey. But then Lily sees the two of them together and goes into full-on possessive rage mode and warns hockey girl to stay away, because apparently these two are so co-dependent that having other friends really isn't an option.
And so goes another half-hour, though with the porch conversation, the group meet, the calligraphy, Ted's move to the basement, the calligraphy again, the old lady foot rub, the poker game, the beach trip and the poker game again it seems like we should have killed at least five hours off of the wedding countdown clock.