How I Met Your Mother Season 1 Episode 8

Waitress: Hi, how many? Lily.
Lily: Yes, you know me?
Waitress: Yeah, from your homecoming picture. You're much prettier in person.
Lily: Yeah, I know, the bangs were a mistake.

Marshall: Also Lily's coffeemaker doesn't, you know, shock you.
Ted: No. You gotta admit, that shock, wakes you up in the morning
Marshall: You know what else wakes you up in the morning? Coffee.

Ted: They're edging me out. They're totally edging me out. I didn't' believe it but you're right.
Barney: Told you. That Lily, she's a shrewd one.
Robin: Yeah, she got you a nice new coffeemaker. How dare she!

Lily: Man, Ted's been acting weird. He started labeling all his food. He even carved "Ted" into that block of cheese.
Marshall: Yeah. Well, now it's Ed's.

Lily: He's not cool with me moving in.
Marshall: No, that's not it. I mean, you basically lived here all along. Ted loves you.
Lily: So, what's he PMSing about?

Ted: All right Marshall, we're deciding right now who gets this apartment. It may lead to an argument, but we're settling this.
Marshall: Or we could flip a coin.
Ted: Yeah, let's flip a coin.

Robin: It's a nice place. It's good to know the future has ribs.
Kevin: In the future food will most likely be served in gel-cap form. Plus cows will probably have died out by then... or be our leaders.

Kevin: Let me guess, there's been a crazy accident and you have to go.
Robin: No, I would never do that. I don't wanna go anywhere. I'm all yours.
Kevin: Look, if you're a hooker, I don't have a lot of money.

Lily: OK, a toast. Life is full of changes. One day you have an apartment, the next day it's a house of dumplings. But the important stuff doesn't change. To the important stuff.

Marshall: I love this song. I haven't heard this in forever.
Lily: I'm pretty sure this is a mixed tape you made me in sophomore year.
Marshall: (on tape) I love you, Lily. Happy Valentine's Day 1998.

Barney: You need to mark your territory, and I don't mean missing the toilet.

Barney: You know what the dating world needs? A `Lemon Law.´

[Flashback]
Marshall: You wanna talk about who gets the apartment after Lily & I get married?
Ted: Y'know who I think we should let deal with this problem?
Marshall: Who?
Ted: Future Ted & Future Marshall.
Marshall: Totally.
[Present Day]
Ted: Dammit, Past Ted!

(Robin and Barney arrives at the hospital)
Robin: Is she okay?
Marshall: They're just patching her up, she's gonna be fine.
Barney: So get this, I was on a date with this girl Jackie..
(Ted, Marshall and Robin stares at Barney)
Barney: What? You said she's fine.

Marshall: I stabbed Lily, I stabbed my fiancée.
Ted: Come on Marshall, do you really think she's still your fiancée?

Doctor: All set. She says she'd like to see the knights of the poorly constructed round table?

Marshall: (about Barney) You know, he cooks naked.

Barney: I'm tired of the whole bar scene, the one-night hookups, I'm looking for a soul mate, someone who I can love and cuddle... (pauses) or so it says in my profile. (laughs)

Barney: Wow, Jackie, you make a really great first impression. I have a feeling that tonight you might end up being Jackie (with ecstasy) ohhhh.

(on the phone)
Barney: Hello?
Robin: Hi there, sexy.
Barney: Hello, Aunt Kathy, what's up?
Robin: Oh, nothing. Just sitting here, thinking about you, hot stuff.
Barney: An accident? Well, is Uncle Rudy gonna be OK?
Robin: Aunt Kathy's got an itch that only you can scratch, big boy.
Barney: Oh God! Why did he think he could build his own helicopter?
Robin: Come on, daddy, break me off a piece of that white chocolate.
Barney: Well, if he needs a transplant, he can have mine. I'll be right there.